The Murky Depths
by JaggedHands
Summary: Amanda Rollins always acts before she thinks and it usually cases her to end up in trouble. Can her squad and, especially her boss, Olivia Benson help her through the issues she has been battling with ever since she was a kid? Will Liv find out about her dark secrets, her troubled past and disruptive behaviours before it's too late?
1. Chapter 1

The Murky Depths

Chapter 1

She scurried back into the dark and damp corner, all her senses on full alert but her body didn't seem to cooperate with the signals her brain was sending. She was frozen, defenseless and the perfect target. All her training from the police academy, all her experience from all the self defense classes she had taken, were all unreachable, almost as if they had completely vanished and her memory was a blank sheet of paper. She had never been so afraid in her life, never felt so small, weak and vulnerable before, as she did right now. Her heart was beating so hard and fast she thought for sure that the tall muscular man infront of her could easily hear it pounding. Blue eyes were wide and full of fear, complete terror and her hands shook as she tried to cover her face and head from the oncoming blows.

She whimpered as the fists came in contact with her pale skin, feeling a giant bruise already forming on her cheekbone and left eye. The other punch hit her on her temple, the force of the blow causing her vision to blur and her surroundings to spin in a rapid speed and she had to close her eyes for a few seconds, to clear her head, giving the man another opportunity to lash out yet again, this time hitting her in the ribs on her left side. The pain was excruciating but she didn't hear a pop or a crushing noise, which indicated that, fortunately, nothing was broken.

The air in her lungs were running out and she knew that inhaling would be extremely painfull but it had to be done. A suppressed moan escaped her lips as she took a deep breath. She clenched her teeth against the pain and her hands were now balled up into fists, her nails unknowingly digging into her palms, creating small indentations where blood slowly seeped through.

The idea of setting up her own honey trap to catch a rapist had not gone according to her plan and she was now stuck between a rock and a hard place. The silver pendant she wore, with a built in miniature camera, had been ripped off and tossed somewhere on the dirty cobble stones in the small courtyard area behind the pub where she was at. This was the place where four women had been raped and beaten. This was the place where the rapist hunted and took whoever and whatever he wanted, including Amanda Rollins.

Her face ached and so did her ribs, a taste of iron coated her mouth and that's when she realized her lip must be bust and bleeding. She had to get out of there. How did she end up in a secluded deserted courtyard by berself anyway? She knew better than to wander off with some stranger, what was she thinking? She knew she was in trouble. Not just now but also what would, inevitably, come after this. The bruises on her face would be difficult to hide at work and makeup was not gonna cut it, she knew that before even seeing the damage. Questions were gonna be asked and she would have no answeres for them. Maybe a lame sad excuse could be fabricated but knowing her colleagues and, specially her boss, would probably not fall for anything but the truth.

She could see a large fist flying through the air, as if in slow motion, and suddenly her cop instincts kicked in. If she didn't do anything now then this coming punch would probably cause more damage, more cuts and bruises than she already had. Perfectly timed with the oncoming fist, she swiftly stepped to the side to avoid it's powerful blow, kicked the known suspect hard between his legs which caused him to scream, fall to his knees and grab tightly on to his jewels, before she finally saw her chance to run.

She had a quick glance around in the small cobble stone area, to see if she could spot the necklace, but couldn't see anything through her pounding headache and teary eyes. She ran. She ran back inside, through the crowded pub of drunk people before she reached the main door, almost making it fly from it's hinges as she forcefully opened it. Now, she was running for her life, down the street, tears streaming down her bruised face and people turning their heads, as she passed them, to get a second look at the crazed blonde woman running the streets of Manhattan in the middle of the night.

After ten minutes of rapid sprinting down the wet and dirty road, she finally collected enough courage to turn her head and look over her shoulder to see if the perp was behind. He wasn't, which caused Amanda to slow down and then come to a full stop by a big apartment building. She leaned against the brick wall, panting heavily as she tried to calm her racing heart. A small group of young men and women studied her from a distance with a puzzled look on their faces before she shouted, "What?!" into their direction and, in the matter of half a second, they had turned and resumed their interrupted conversation.

When her beathing eventually came back to normal, she began her fifteen minute walk back to her own apartment. Taking a cab would only bring prying questions and strange looks so walking seemed like the only option she had. More heads were turned during her journey home but she tried not to pay any attention to them by keeping her head low and avoiding any eye contact. Eventually, after what semed like forever, she turned the key in her own front door, opened it and quickly stepped inside. After locking it and fastening the safety chain, she leaned back against it and sank down onto the cold hard floor.

Her mind was still fuzzy, from the earlier punch to her temple, but her thoughts and mind were clear as day and they were now running on high speed, thinking about what to do next? Report her assault? Go to the hospital to get checked out? Call Fin, Carisi or Liv? Pretend she fell and carry on as normal? She didn't know what to do. Frannie came out from her bedroom, layed down next to her and placed her head i her lap, her brown little eyes looking at her intensely. "Hi girl. I love you, you know that?" her only repond was a wag of her tail and a set of ears eagerly perked up.

Eyeing a bottle of vodka in her glass cabinet, she decided to numb the pain with a shot or two. Five shots later her physical pain were almost gone but she knew it would be back with a vengeance in the morning. A shower was next. A steaming hot shower for almost an hour to wash his filthy hands off of her, his breath and his stare. All the water in the world couldn't wash him off, at least not now, not tonight.

Morning came way too soon and she gsped in pain as she reached out to turn the alarm on her phone off. She decided on another shower and skip breakfast, since her stomach was in knots anyway. Looking at herself in the mirror another gasp could be heard, but this time not from pain, but from horror. The blonde looking back at her was not herself. It was a tired, drained and beaten looking woman who appeared lost and out of place. Someone else but not her. She stood in the shower for almost thirty minutes, letting the warm spray of the water sooth her aching muscles and sore body, today was going to be a long day for Amanda Rollins.

"Rollins, you're late." Fin stated with a smirk as she stepped inside the bullpen and walked up to her desk, coffee i hand.

"Does Liv know?" she asked as she took her seat, hissing as the pain in her ribs decided to make itself known with a stabbing force. It was early November with grey clouds covering the sky and the blonde had put her sunglasses on in a desperate attempt to hide her bruise. It was a pathetic attempt, and she knew it, but it was better than nothing at all.

"Don't think so. Why are you wearing sunglasses on a dull day like this and especially inside? Come on, Rollins! Rough night?" he smirked again as he thought of his partner staying up late, with male company, engaging in adult activities. "Someone I know?"

Amanda snorted and sipped her coffee, careful not to hurt her lip too much. "Too early, Fin." she muttered, braced herself and removed her glasses which caused an immediate reaction from her partner.

"Amanda, what happened? You okay?" he stood up and walked around his desk to reach the blonde, studying her face with a worried expression. "Did someone do that to you?"

"What?! No!" she quickly responded and rolled her eyes. "Long story short, I took Frannie for a walk last night and she must've seen or sensed a squirrel or something, took off suddenly, pulled on the lead and down I went, hit my face on the sidewalk. I'm fine." she insisted, trying to brush it off as nothing, even though her every move was incredibly painful.

"Fine my ass. Did you go to the hospital?" he asked sternly, his eyes burrowing into hers, searching for the truth.

"I don't need a hospital, Fin. I told you, I'm fine."

"You sure don't look fine."

She chuckled in amusement. "Well, thank you, partner. You don't look so bad yourself."

Squinting his eyes and tilting his head to the side he looked at the strong and independent woman in font of him. "You know you can talk to me, right? I mean, if there's anything you need or if..."

"There's nothing to talk about. I'm fine, just leave it, Fin." reluctantly he walked back to his own desk, his eyes full of worry lingering on his partner longer than he intended. "Stop looking at me, Fin or I'll poke your eyes out."

Before her partner could respond, the door to Olivia's office opened and the tall brunette entered the room, walking straight up to them, her head bent, looking down at her phone. "Okay guys, we have a case which I hope is pretty cut and dry. I need you to go to Mercy and..." looking up from the screen, her face changed instantly as she spotted Amanda's beaten appearance. "Oh my god! Amanda, what happened?"

Her concerned tone annoyed Amanda and she shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "I'm fine, sergeant. Just a clumpsy mishap on my part. Nothing to worry about."

Olivia wasn't buying her story but didn't want to make a big deal out of it while being surrounded by a room full of people. She was gonna have to use a different approach if she wanted to get anything out of her colleague. "Okay, um, can I see you in my office for a second?" she peered at Amanda through her thick black rimmed glasses that rested on the tip of her nose.

The young blonde held her breath and threw a side glance at Fin who was rolling a pencil between his thumb and index finger, his eyes focusing on a document in front of him but knowing damn well that he wasn't paying any attention towards his paperwork. Sighing, she got up, wincing again at the sharp pain in her side, which didn't go unnoticed by Olivia, and slowly made her way in her boss's domain, head bent in shame and dread.

"Have a seat, Amanda." Liv gestured and got herself situated in her own leather office chair, thinking of how she was going to ease Amanda into telling her what had actually happened.

"That's okay, I'd rather stand, sarge. I'd like to get started with my day as soon as possible. I've got a bit of paperwork to catch up on." her gace flickered through the room, looking at anything except her sergeant's gentle eyes.

"Actually, I'd prefer if you sit down, please." she offered her colleague a soft smile and studied in silence how the blonde took a deep breath, walked up to the chair and slowly sat down. As the brunette suspected, Amanda did seem to be in quite a bit of pain as she noticed the blonde's features turn into a solemn expression, her jaw flexing and also noticed how she shifted slightly in her seat, trying to get comfortable.

A minute passed in silence. Amanda didn't know where to look or what to say and Olivia just stared at her with a sad and serious face. "What really happened, Amanda?" she eventually spoke, keeping her tone soft and smooth.

The gentleness in her voice made Amanda want to run as far as she possibly could and not look back but she knew that this was not going to be ignored or brushed under the rug that easily. Still determined, to somehow worm herself out of this situation, she decided to stick to her story about her dog. "Frannie decided to suddenly take off during our walk last night, she pulled the lead really hard, I fell and hit my face on the sidewalk. I'm fine." she insisted, chuckling slightly to herself in an attempt to lighten up the mood.

"Would you stand up and sit down again, please." Liv requested while taking in Amanda's movements and facial expressions as the younger woman squirmed in her chair.

"What? Why? What is this about, sergeant?" she demanded, anger beginning to boil inside of her.

"You tell me, Amanda?" Olivia said softly, her eyes still held concern and that annoying gentleness that made her want to punch something hard but also throw herself into her sergeant's arms, tell her everything about last night and cry it out. The latter was not an option.

"I don't know what you're insinuating, sergeant, but I find no purpose or need for this conversation." she said bluntly, grabbed a hold of the armrests, ready to get up, when she whimpered in pain and her body slumped back down onto the soft material of the seat.

"Amanda!" Liv scolded gently and was by her side in the matter of a few seconds, a hand resting on the blonde's right shoulder. "Easy, just take a breath, honey. You're okay." she soothed.

Her skin was burning underneath Olivia's touch and she immediately shrugged her hand off, bracing herself, yet again, to push herself up into a standing position, her anger somewhat helping to bare the pain as she rises to her feet. Her boss had called her honey. A pet name, an endearment and, according to Amanda, a mistake. "Don't... I'm not... I'm... I'm fine. Leave it alone." she snapped and left a slightly stunned brunette behind.

Sighing in defeat, Olivia resumed her position behind her desk when Carisi suddenly popped his head in. "Morning sarge, sorry I'm late, the traffic on the bridge was blocked due to a car accident. Do we have a case? I just saw Amanda tearing out the building. Is there an emergency?"

"Carisi, hi. We do have a case so why don't you take Fin and head down to Mercy to interview the vic." Liv ordered, sounding a bit flustered and out of sorts.

The Italian man frowned. "Why Fin? Where was Rollins heading in such a rush?" he wanted to know, worried about his friend and coworker and also wondered why he was suddenly paired up with Fin.

Liv ran her fingers through her dark tresses and didn't really know how or what to tell her youngest detective. "She um, she had some... things to sort out so it's just me, you and Fin this morning."

Not knowing what to believe, Carisi nodded slowly, the frown still etched on his face. "Okay, sarge. I'll keep you posted."

She watched as her two male squad members left the busy bullpen, let out a heavy sigh and rested her head in her hands, thinking about what to do with Amanda and how to go about it. Talking to the blonde was like pulling teeth and she knew that she was fighting an uphill battle. She had seemed fine the previous day. Annoyed and frustrated that they had nothing to pin the perp on, but fine nonetheless. Something must've happened last night! Somewhere between seven in the evening, when her shift ended, and this morning before she showed up for work. The question of what had happened, would, unfortunately, remain unanswered for now.

Carisi did keep her posted about their new case by calling her almost two hours later. A couple of outcry witnesses had come forward and they all identified the perp, who was already arrested and in lock up. Cut and dry cases like these rarely happened but when they did it was a huge relief to the squad, the sergeant, the ADA, the 1 PP and the commissioner's office. Another predator had been hunted down, captured and put behind bars, making the streets just that little bit safer for women, and men, to walk alone at night.

"Rollins back yet?" Fin asked as he popped his head into her office, which she hadn't left since Amanda had stormed off.

"Nope." she sighed, took her glasses off and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Will I try and call her?" he asked wearily, not sure what to do.

Olivia shook her head, not knowing, herself, what to make of the situation. "No, I think it's best if we let her stew for a bit. Hopefully she'll come around."

"Stew from what? Did she say anything to you about what happened to her?" squinting his eyes, he waited for a response.

"Yeah," she snorted, "she fell walking Frannie. Apparently the sidewalk must've grown fists and gave her a black eye and sore ribs. She knows we're not buying her story but she's determined to stick to it."

"Ribs?" Fin questioned. "She didn't mention her ribs being sore to me."

Again Olivia snorted and chuckled. "She wouldn't, now would she? She didn't tell me either, I noticed her flinching in pain when she sat down and stood up. I tried talking to her but you know how Amanda is, she prefers dealing with things herself, in her own way. I can't force it out of her. We'll just gonna have to wait and see what happens." she sighed in frustration, rubbing her hand over her face.

"Could be too late by then." Fin sadly muttered and left his boss to her own thoughts and feelings about her strong and stubborn female detective.


	2. Chapter 2

The Murky Depths

Chapter 2

As the time passed, so did the bruises on Amanda's face. She had always been a fast healer, even as a child. A cut or a scratch would usually only stay visible for a couple of days before it would nicely heal. Scars, on the other hand, was different. She had plenty of them, all over her body. Some of them were, of course, from her childhood. Being the dare devil in the neighborhood usually came with injuries, minor or major. A broken arm, a broken collarbone, a broken wrist, a couple of fractured ribs and various cuts and bruises had been all too common in Amanda Rollins past. Coming from a family that didn't really engage in her life, interests or activities, she would usually never bother them if she had gotten hurt, afraid of being blaimed for it, punished or just ignored.

Most of the scars on her body were sadly self inflicted. In her teenage years friends were hard to find, especially if you live in a small town like Amanda. A small town normally inhabited small minded people and, if you were different, then that's the way you were treated. Differently. The couple of friends that she did have growing up had deserted her when Amanda had told them she was gay. The word spread and her parents and little sister Kim heard the news from various sources, since everybody knew everybody and nothing was kept secret. Even her own family disowned her, threw her out and expected her to fend for herself in her fifteen years of age. With no other option, she had to move into a shelter for runaway teens until her eighteenth birthday when she was legally an adult and longer just another troubled juvenile, belonging to the state, no longer a burden to the community but an adult who was now old enough to get a job and pay taxes.

Her entire childhood, teenage years and most of her adult life had been a struggle and the only way she knew how to cope was through physical pain. A razor, a knife, cigarettes, brick walls or alcohol were the things she had become dependent on and, for years, it was the only thing she trusted. The physical pain was always welcomed. She wasn't afraid of it but instead she enjoyed it, looked forward to it and felt calm and more at peace when the pain was there. She knew it wasn't 'normal' to feel that way or to be doing the things she did but the urge and need was always there, always too strong and always won over her common sense or rational thoughts, pushing her further down the dark path that she was on, making her feel even more miserable and useless.

When she had joined the police academy, her self destructive behavior had more or less dissipated even though the thoughts of cutting or burning herself were always at the very front of her brain. After the academy her life had become a routine. She got up in the morning, went to work, came home, went to bed, got up the next day, went to work, came home and so on. Her disruptive behavior calmed significantly and almost disappeared completely, even though the pull and the need was still there and for years she managed to stay clear of any temptations and urges.

A pattern soon made itself known and whenever she was stressed, under pressure or just had enough of seeing evil everywhere on the job, the self harming would always come back, rearing it's ugly head and take a hold of all her senses, taking complete control and she had no choice but to let it do it's job. Since she had joined SVU three years prior, it had come back again, this time with a vengeance, tormenting her full force. The things the squad had to see and experience every day eventually became too much to handle without her trustworthy and loyal companion, Pain.

Fin had been her friend and partner for three years now, Carisi had only joined the squad about a year ago and was also a very good friend. Olivia, on the other hand, was not her partner and not her friend. Amanda had known about Olivia Benson even before she had started to work with her. She was quite the celebrity in the SVU world and she had admired her work, dedication and willpower years before moving to New York and became a part of her team. Amanda realized that she actually had a crush on the woman but was just too scared or just too plain stupid to see it.

Things had not turned out the way she thought they would when she first started and was very disappointed with Olivia's unfriendly and ignorant behavior towards her. Even though the brunette was treating her like an imposter she still couldn't help, or try, to brush off the feelings she did have for her, and she found it extremely frustrating. The more she tried to hate her boss, the harder she fell for her and she didn't know how to handle the situation.

The anger and frustration had gotten to her deeply when Olivia had called her into her office that time, to try and get Amanda to open up and tell her about her black eye and bruised ribs. Why did she care all of a sudden? They weren't friends! They were simply just coworkers who tolerated each other, worked on a few cases together but had never spent time with one another outside of work except for the odd conference or meeting. The brunette had always been so hard on her, never trusting her to do her job correctly, always questioning her abilities and opinions and it hurt. It hurt that the woman she had admired and respected for so many years didn't see her as an equal or even a friend.

Why had Olivia suddenly appeared so concerned about her wellbeing? Why had she been so nice and gentle about it? Almost two weeks later she could till hear the softness in Olivia's voice as she had asked her about the bruise and it sent shivers down her spine and goosebumps to appear on her pale skin. She hated that voice! The voice she always used when she spoke to victims and their families, never to her. It made her angry to think that it had to come this far for Olivia to notice her and, now when she had noticed her, she didn't like the attention. All she wanted was for Oliva to show her some respect and acknowledge her work, her theories and her suggestions about cases that were difficult to crack.

Even though Olivia had treated her badly since she first stepped her foot inside the precinct, she still couldn't help but to care and show admiration towards her boss and she hated that even more. Why couldn't she hate her? These past two weeks Olivia had been so nice to her, talked to her, listened to her if she had anything to say about a case and even physically touched her once or twice. Things were playing out exactly the way she always wanted them to but now she hated it and suddenly wanted things to go back to the way they use to be, when she was invisible and incompetent. A nobody. Still there was a part of her that needed to hear that soft and caring tone coming from her boss, needed to feel those ghostly and gentle touches from the older woman. She felt confused and angry, out of place and... scared.

They still hadn't come any closer to cracking the case they had been working on for so long. Amanda knew that the suspect was indeed guilty of the things he was accused of but she had no way of proving it. If she did have the necklace, things would be different. Maybe he would be locked up in a cell by now if she hadn't been so stupid and foolish to plan and execute a honey trap on her own. That necklace would prove that he was quilty as charged but he was out there, walking the streets as a free man, getting away with horrible things that he had put women through.

Carisi, the youngest and newest to the team finally shut his computer down, raised his arms above his head and stretched, his back popping in various places as he let out a squeal. "I'm beat." he yawned and stood up. "I'll see you guys in the morning."

Fin couldn't help but to yawn himself as he watched Carisi's big gob wide open. "Yeah, it's been a long ass day. You heading out too Rollins?"

The blonde peered at the two male detectives over the top of her computer screen. "Sorry, my ass is longer than yours, Fin. I'm staying for another hour or so, get this last bit of paperwork done."

Both Fin and Carisi frowned but decided not to say anything. They knew Amanda was up to speed with all her papers and documents so why would she use that as an excuse? "You sure I can't even tempt you with some spaghetti, home made tomato and herb sauce and some garlic bread? My place?"

"Thanks Carisi, maybe another time." Amanda declined politely as her fingers danced upon the keyboard.

"What about you, Fin? You up for some Italian?" the young man asked as he threw his coat on.

Snorting, Fin made a face. "I'm not into Italians, especially not male ones but thanks for the invite."

Amanda chuckled as Carisi didn't seem to understand that he had more or less asked Fin to engage in a home cocked meal for just the two of them. After they had left, Amanda sank down in her chair with a sigh. That necklace was constantly on her mind but she knew the chances of getting it back were slim to none. The only evidence she had was gone and they were all back on square one again.

An idea began to take shape inside her head and before she knew it she had it all planned. Her boss would certainly not be happy about her little sting but at least she could give a lot of women some closure and a feeling of security once the perp was off the street. "Rollins, you still here?" she jumped in her seat, startled by her boss's sudden voice.

"Um, I was just heading out." she quickly responded, turned her computer off, threw her coat on and grabbed her keys and her phone, shoving them into the deep pockets of the long woolly jacket.

"I was just leaving myself. I'll walk you out." she insisted, a gentle smile covering her lips.

"Um, sure." Amanda mumbled, extremely uncomfortable being so close to the tall brunette, not knowing what to say or how to act around her.

They entered the elevator to go down, the doors closed with a ping and the air inside the small box seemed to disappear and Amanda found it hard to breath. It was the longest elevator ride in history even though they only descended four floors. It seemed like the four walls around them began to slowly move closer and the small space became even smaller. Amanda took a deep shaky breath and tried to focus on the red moving light that indicated which floor they were on.

"Any plans for tonight?" Liv suddenly asked, obviously trying to make small talk.

Not tearing her gace away from the red blinking light, she answered shortly. "Nope, you?"

She heard the older woman sigh tiredly. "No, I'm wiped. Just a quiet night at home with me, myself and I."

Amanda gave her a stiff smile and almost bolted out the doors as they slowly opened. Olivia tood there, watching as the blonde sped down the corridor and out through the big glass double doors. She was at a loss and didn't know how to get Amanda to trust her. They had barely spoken the past two weeks and when they did speak, Amanda kept it short and professional, everything by the book and never ventured beyond the terms of work related issues. Something was not right with the woman, somthing she couldn't put her finger on. Fin and Carisi had tried several times to get something out of her but was repeatedly shot down, insisting that she was fine.

"Enough is enough." mumbled the sergeant and hurried out after her, hoping she would catch the woman before she disappeared out of sight. It was dark out and difficult to see even though the street lamps were shining bright. Looking in either direction she came up empty and sighed in frustration. Then, she spotted long blonde hair in the distance and the coat the woman was wearing definitely belonged to Amanda.

She began to follow her with quick steps so she wouldn't lose her, frowning as she wondered why the blonde detective was heading down this direction when she knew that her apartment was on the other side of town. They walked for almost twenty minutes, Olivia staying behind, keeping her head low, trying not to draw any unwanted attention to herself. She didn't like the neighborhood they had ended up in. It wasn't the worst of places but still known for being a rough area with loads of drugs and prostitution going on. Why would she hang out in this part of town? Why would she put herself in a dangerous position by walking in a dodgy neighborhood late at night and alone?

Amanda was, of course, a grown woman and could look after herself but sometimes Olivia had her doubts. The blonde's thinking and her, sometimes, radical behavior and ideas made the brunette wonder. Sometimes it felt like Amanda was not thinking clearly and ended up making hasty and not fully thought out plans. Liv felt, a lot of times, that she had to look out for the younger woman on the squad and make sure she didn't put herself in a position that she shouldn't be in.

When she suddenly saw her detective disappear through a worn looking wooden door, her heart skipped a beat. It was the same pub where so many rapes and assaults had taken place over the past couple of months, the same pub and it's owner that had been under a microscopic investigation. What was Amanda thinking, coming to a place like this? Whatever the reason, Olivia didn't like it. Something wasn't right and she shivered at the thought of what she might witness by going in there.

She didn't have much choice except to face the music, push the door open and enter the smoky, dark lit pub, full of drunk people in all ages, mostly men but also many rowdy women. She was well recognized by the owner and the staff at this stage, due to many hours of questioning, interrogations and surprise visits. Amanda, on the other hand, hadn't been in here during the investigation and she had only listened in on the different conversations from the other side of the glass, being more of an observer in the case and dealing more with the victims than the suspects. As she suspected, one of the bar men approached her, wiping his hands on a dirty and worn looking tea towel.

"Detective, to what do I owe this pleasure? I didn't think this was your kind of scene." said the scruffy man by the name Hank, smirking widely, showing his yellow stained teeth.

"You thought right. I'm just here looking for a friend. Young, blonde, slim. You see her come in?" Liv wanted to get away from the man as quick as possible, who stank of stale cigarettes and beer.

"Ah, the pretty blonde with the nice ass!" he chuckled. "Didn't think you'd have friends hanging out in places like this, detective. She in trouble?" smirking, her shoved the corner of the towel into his back pocket, letting the remainder of the rag hang loose.

Olivia took a step closer to him, wanting him to feel small and intimidated by her. "It's sergeant to you. I just want to know where she went." her tone was low and firm, telling him that she wasn't playing around.

Hank shrugged and nodded his head in the direction of the toilets. "Think I saw her walking that way. I was too busy looking at her ass to pay any attention on where she was going." he snickered and left.

Shaking off the dirty presence of the man, she headed towards the bathrooms, hoping to find her colleague sooner rather than later. The music faded as she rounded the corner and made her way in to the ladies. It was filthy inside, toilet paper tossed on the floor, the mirrors above the sink probably hadn't been washed since the beginning of the century and the stench of urine was overwhelming. She soon realized that Amanda wasn't in the bathroom and Liv was relieved to get out of the stinky place.

Since she was a woman, she would normally not check the men's but since Fin or Carisi wasn't with her she didn't have a choice in the matter. Sighing, she pushed the door open and was, once again, hit by the strong odor. A few rowdy men stood by the urinal, laughing and hollering about god knows what and when one of them spotted Olivia in the doorway, he smirked, turned towards her and began to sway his privates in the air, shaking it in his hand, chuckling. "Oh boys! We've got company. Wanna quickie?"

Liv had to fight back the sudden strong urge to throw up and to give him a kick in the balls for being so incredibly vulgar and plain stupid. She rolled her eyes and spoke firmly. "I'm sure if you bend over, one of your mates will give you that quickie." immediately she closed the door, hearing the men inside hollering and howling.

She couldn't wait to get out of this place but she didn't want to leave without Amanda. She was about to head back out to the bar when she spotted a closed door at the very end of the narrow corridor. As she walked up to it, a male voice became audible, a deep and raspy tone that made Liv shiver. It was the owner, she'd recognize that voice from anywhere. "What are you here?" she heard the man say. "What are you playing at? Is this some kind of shakedown? Two week ago you seemed like you wanted to fuck and then you change your mind? That's not how things work here, sweetie. You start something, you finish it and you got what you deserved. What is it that you want? Money to keep quiet? Is that what you want, bitch?"

"I don't want you money. I want an apology."

A woman's voice, a soft and clear voice, a familiar voice, Amanda's voice. Then it suddenly klicked and Olivia now had an explanation for the blonde's battered face and ribs a couple of weeks ago, an explanation why Amanda had been unusually quiet at work and why she had been so snappy and short when she was spoken to. Amanda had been assaulted.


	3. Chapter 3

The Murky Depths

Chapter 3

 **Thank you to everyone for positive reviews and feedback. It makes me smile.**

 _Amanda had been assaulted!_

Those four words spun around Olivia's head where she stood, pressed up against the door to hear the heated conversation. Amanda was a victim herself! A victim of a serial rapist who preyed on younger women, beat them, raped them and sodomized them, making them feel like dirt, like he owned them, like he had a right. She had to get Amanda out of there but wasn't sure how and while she was thinking about some kind of escape plan, the conversation on the other side of the door continued.

"An apology?" Brent, the owner laughed. "You came onto me! You were the one who started it all. Why should I apologize to you? You got what you deserved you little bitch. No one plays around with me thinking they can get away with it. If you hadn't kicked my nuts in you wouldn't be sitting here, darling. In fact, you'd be so damaged you wouldn't be able to sit ever again." he chuckled and Liv could hear the sound of a chair scratching against the floor.

"I should finish what I started right now, don't you think? There has to be a reason why you came back here, sweetheart. Did you come back for more? Did you want me to be rough with you? I bet you have the nicest pussy I will ever fuck."

Liv heard a bone crushing noise and a terrified whimper coming from Amanda and knew that he had hurt her. That was all it took before Olivia kicked the door open with such force, it bounced of the wall behind and almost came flying back, hitting her in the face. She caught it before that could happen and she quickly drew her gun from her hip. "NYPD, keep your hands were I can see them and step away from her. Now!"

Brent smirked, raised his hands and slowly took a couple of steps back. "Well, well, well! Isn't it sergeant Benson herself. I was just telling the lady here that she's had too much to drink and have to send her home."

Liv pointed the gun straight at him and threw Amanda a side glance to see of she was okay. She winched in sympathy as she spotted the dark red blood seeping through her nose, dripping down onto her lips and chin. She could tell that the blonde was dazed by the way she was holding her head with one hand and grabbing onto the side of the desk with the other, involuntary tears streaming down her cheeks as she tried to clear her vision.

"Turn around, you're under arrest." she demanded, stepping closer to the perp and got her cuffs out from the pocket of her coat.

"For what?" he snorted. "She's drunk, fell and hit her face. I didn't touch her." he spat, saliva flying through the air as he spoke.

"For assaulting a police officer." she stated, grabbed his hands and swiftly slapped the cuffs on.

Brent glared at the blonde who was trying to get the bleeding under control. "You're a cop? You bitch! This was all a setup, wasn't it? I wish I had finished you when I had the chance." his eyes were dark and so full of anger and hatred it scared Amanda. Perps usually made empty threats and she never paid any attention to them, but looking into the almost black shining eyes, she felt a shiver run down her spine, causing her to tremble.

While he was intimidating Amanda, Liv had already called it in and was waiting for backup to arrive. "Shut the fuck up." Liv growled and forcefully grabbed him by the arm amd pushed him down onto an empty chair. "You move, you're dead. Do we understand each other?" Brent didn't respond. Instead he snorted, eyes the tall brunette from top to toe, grinning.

Olivia turned her attention towards her injured colleague. Noticing a box of tissues on the desk, she grabbed a handful and hunkered down in front of the blonde, gently taking a hold of her chin so she could turn her head and see the damage. "Amanda, you okay?" she asked gently and wiped at the blood that seemed to be coming in a steady flow. "Tilt your head back and pinch the bridge of your nose. It's okay." she spoke gently as she guided Amanda's hand up to her nose and showed her where to apply pressure.

Being coddled over was not Amanda's thing and normally she would pull back straight away if someone tried to hug, touch or get too close to her. Right now she was too stunned to do anything. Everything had happened so quickly and she was unsure if this had happened at all. What was her boss doing here? How did she know that Amanda would be there? How much of the conversation had she heard before she had barged in? What the hell just happened?

Amanda didn't say anything. She just sat there, holding her nose in a steady grip, feeling the blood soak her hand and how the swelling began to kick in, making it almost impossible to breath through her nasal passages. Olivia was still crouched down in front of her, looking at her with concerned brown eyes. "How are you feeling?" she finally asked, reached her hand out to brush blonde hair away from blue eyes.

The blonde detective saw the hand moving closer and she turned her head and pulled away before the hand could make contact with her skin. "I'm fine." she muttered nasaly and hissed as a wave of intense pain washed over her and the beginning of a head ache started to form.

"The hell you are." Liv firmly stated. "As soon as backup gets here Im taking you to the hospital."

Amanda couldn't help but to chuckle, finding the situation somewhat comical as to why Olivia suddenly cared about her, especially her nose. This caring act came a little bit to late for Amanda, about four years give or take. Why was she so keen on making sure that the blonde was being looked after? Was she genuinely concerned or was she just following protocol and going by the book? The latter option was more likely, Amanda thought and chucled again, the tissue muffling the sound but it didn't go unnoticed by the sergeant.

"You find this funny, Rollins?" Liv questioned and raised an eyebrow.

Amanda suddenly turned serious but decided not to answer the question, knowing that she might say something that would lead to a full blown heated fight and spew words that she probably would end up regretting. Her glossy eyes found Olivia's and she shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "I'm not going to the hospital. I feel fine."

The tall brunette sighed. "You feel fine?" it was more of a statement than a question and she didn't believe that Amanda was fine at all, far from it, but she was just too stubborn to admit it out loud or even to herself. "What were you thinking, Amanda? Coming out here on your own, without backup, without anyone knowing where you were? Things could've ended very badly if things had played out differently." she was no longer sitting in front of the injured woman. She was now pacing back and forth, sighing in frustration and defeat but stopped when she heard the sirens of two patrol cars pulling up outside the lively pub.

Olivia wanted to be quick about all this and simply told the officers to bring him to lockup and he would be dealt with in the morning and asked another officer to drive them to the nearest hospital. The blonde was still fighting against it, telling her boss that she could take care of it herself and that her nose wasn't broken, just badly bruised. Olivia knew that her colleague was stubborn but she didn't know how stubborn she actually was and she found it frustrating, annoying and tiresome to try and talk Amanda into something that she clearly didn't want to do.

"Fine, have it your way but I'm coming inside with you to make sure you ice it properly. If you fight me on this I will put you on desk duty for the week and that's a promise."

There was not much point to argue with her boss and reluctantly let her inside the apartment and turned on the lights, causing a welcoming glow to spread through the rooms. "I'm gonna go wash my face." Amanda muttered and headed straight for the bathroom, leaving Olivia standing in her kitchen, looking a little lost.

The water in the sink turned bright red and she could taste the iron as some of the water got into her mouth. She knew she must look horrible and looking at herself in the mirror confimed just that. Her nose was red, purple, green, blue, practically every colour of the whole damn rainbow and the size of it had almost doubled. Her left eye had also turned quite colourful and the white eyeball had turned red due to, without a doubt, burst blood vessels. At least it had stopped bleeding but the head ache that had started earlier on was now pounding relentlessly. Groaning, she gently wiped her face dry before heading back out.

Olivia looked around the place from where she was standing. After so many years of working together, she realized that she had never been inside Amanda's home before and the blonde had never been inside hers. The place was neat and tidy, only a few things randomly scattered across the kitchen table and the coffee table in the sitting room. Otherwise the apartment seemed welcoming and comfortable to live in. She noticed that there wasn't many personal items on display, like photographs, ornaments or sentimental pieces that held no financial value. It looked quite bare but still livable and functional.

She located the freezer and pulled out the first item from the top drawer, which happened to be a packet of ground beef, shut the door and waited for Amanda to come back. As she turned around, her heart skipped a beat as an unexpected presence had quietly closed in on her while she was rooting around in the freezer. "Frannie!" she said with relief and placed her hand over her beating heart, just remembering that Amanda had a dog. "You scared me. Didn't your mother teach you that it's rude to sneak up on people." she said and reached her hand out for the dog to sniff and Frannie quickly decided to accept this strange woman as a new human friend and began to lick the outstretched hand and wag her tail almost violently.

"She seems to like you. Doesn't happen that often." Amanda said, retrieving a glass of water and a couple of aspirin. "She's trained that way but you must be an exception." she popped her pills and watched as her boss fussed over her dog, suddenly seeing a completely different side of her sergeant and she found it fascinating and somewhat attractive and luring. She quickly shook those feelings and thoughts out of her head and spotted the frozen meat packet on the kitchen table.

"Thanks." she muttered, sat down and gently pressed the ice cold beef onto her throbbing nose, hissing in pain as it made contact. "Fuck." she silently cursed but didn't move the packet away.

Olivia had stopped rubbing the dog and turned her attention back to the blonde who sat slumped by the table, looking almost like an upset little girl. "Show me." she requested softly and winched in sympathy as Amanda moved the iced packet and revealed her battered appearance.

"That bad, ugh?" the blonde huffed and continued with the cold pressure. "Look, I'm fine, you don't have to stick around." she grunted and scratched behind Frannie's ear as the dog finally decided to greet her master.

The older woman sighed and moved closer to the table where Amanda was sitting. "Why didn't you tell me, Amanda? Or Fin or Carisi? We would've helped you." shouting and roaring wouldn't do any good so by keeping her voice nice and soft, she hoped it would make Amanda feel comfortable enough to talk about it. "Did you set up your own honey trap?"

The blonde rolled her eyes but regretted it rather quickly as the pain came with a stabbing force. "We all knew it was him," she snapped, "we just didn't have enough evidence to nail the son of a bitch so, yes, I did set him up so we can prove that he's good for it. Nothing else seemed to work."

Liv closed her eyes briefly and took a deep breath. "You could've gotten yourself killed, Amanda. What you did was extremely dangerous, not to mention foolish and stupid. This could've ended much worse." her brown eyes studied Amanda's slumped form on the hard wooden chair and sighed sadly.

"But it didn't." the blonde spat, suddenly feeling the anger bubbling just underneath the surface. "What were you doing there anyway? Were you following me? Are you stalking me now? Is there a GPS signal on my ass telling you where I am, at all times? You have no right to follow me!" she yelled and slammed the frozen meat down onto the table, causing Frannie to let out a loud bark. "Easy girl." she soothed and stroked the dogs soft fur.

"And you have no right to take charge of a case like that, planning your own little heroic mission by setting up a trap. The first one obviously didn't go very well so what made you think that this would be any different? You could've gotten seriously hurt, Amanda." running her fingers through her hair, she began to pace the kitchen floor in long strides.

"What do you care anyway? I'm disposable, aren't I? You have Fin and Carisi, your two favourite shiny role model detectives, you don't need me." Amanda was shouting and Frannie kept barking, wondering what was going on, why her master was screaming. "It's okay, girl. Go and lie down, go on, go to bed." the dog trotted off down toward Amanda's bedroom, still wagging her tail.

"What is that suppose to mean?" Liv questioned, a hurt expression appeared on her face and took a step back. "You know that is not true. You're a great detective and a great asset to the team."

"Oh please!" the blonde spat, walked over to one of her kitchen cabinets and took out a bottle of scotch and a glass. "Don't pull that crap on me, sergeant. You have despised me since the first time I set my foot on your turf. You never trusted me, never listen to what I had to say, never acknowledged me or my work. I've been on the squad longer than Carisi and you still treat me like I don't exist." her head was pounding furiously but her anger beat the pain and she couldn't stop, no matter how hard she tried. This was all getting out there, once and for all. "Do you know what it feels like to be invisible? To be ignored? To constantly be checked up on to see if I'm doing a good enough job for you? It's been almost four years and I've worked my ass of for you, for what? So you can treat me like dirt?"

Olivia stood glued to her spot on the floor, listening to Amanda's angry words spitting out of her mouth, watching as the blonde detective worked herself up into a near hysterical state, tears brimming in her blue eyes, her body shaking from adrenaline. Liv got worried about her physical health and reached out to touch her arm and told her to sit down and breath slowly. As her sergeant's hand rested upon her arm she violently shrugged away. "Don't you dare touch me!" she screamed and Frannie came running out the door again but stopped in the hallway and just looked between the two women.

"Amanda, please!" Liv said softly and held her hands up in the air in front of her.

"I think you should go now." the blonde's voice was venomous and full of anger, hurt and bitterness. She had finally got her say and it was such a relief but she also felt slightly bad for yelling at her boss, she felt regret, which she didn't think was possible.

The tall brunette tried to stay collected and calm even though she wanted to take Amanda by the arms, shake some sense into her and tell her that she couldn't be more wrong. Letting out a shaky breath, Liv turned and walked towards the door but turned again to face the angry woman. "Please, Amanda..." she tried but was immediately shot down.

"Just go." she hissed between clenched teeth, slamming the bottle of spirits down onto the table.

Again, Olivia headed towards the door. She placed one hand on the handle before looking back. "For what it's worth, I am so sorry that I made you feel that way. From the bottom of my heart, I am so so sorry."

Her words were barely a whisper but she knew Amanda could hear her. Tears welled up in her brown eyes and rolled silently down her cheeks, discretely wiping them away with the back of her hand before she opened the door and closed without looking back once more.


	4. Chapter 4

The Murky Depths

Chapter 4

Amanda didn't sleep well that night, nor did Olivia. The blonde spent the rest of the night drowning her anger, misery and regrets in a bottle until she eventually collapsed in a drunken stupor. Olivia went home to her quiet and empty apartment, feeling totally numb but yet so many emotions were streaming through her body at the same time, she didn't know what to do with herself. While sitting on her bed inside her dark bedroom she let the tears fall, feeling her heart tighten in her chest as the image of Amanda's hurt and angry face appeared in front of her eyes every time she closed them.

What Amanda had said earlier was right. She could see it now, in hindsight, that the way she had been treating the female detective had been nothing but cruel and down right mean. That was all going to change, right now. Her behavior towards the blonde had not been intentional, no matter what Amanda might think or feel. They had just gotten of to a bad start from the very beginning, seeing Amanda as a replacement for her old partner of twelve years, a younger detective with fresh eyes and a criminal forensic degree and up to speed with all the new technology. Looking back, Olivia had considered her as a threat.

The bad start in their working relationship had not improved throughout the years but it hadn't gotten worse either. They had simply fallen into a daily working routine and things had just continued on from there. Olivia was not use to Amanda's way of thinking and handling certain situations. After working with the same partner for twelve years, her way of thinking and working cases were almost like a habit at this stage. She was on autopilot and couldn't see another way of dealing with things and, to even consider, breaking out of her little comfortable box she had created over the years, seemed impossible.

She had eventually gotten over the sudden absence of her partner but the strain between the two woman were still there but Olivia had just left it, thinking it would improve down the line and maybe a friendship could blossom. Suddenly, almost four years had passed and they were still in the same spot. The time had flown by, case after case had kept coming in and the normal working routine had completely taken over, not leaving room for anything else.

She felt awful, angry and hurt. She was angry at herself for not seeing how badly she had been treating one of her squad members, angry for being so narrow minded that she hadn't seen the pain Amanda must've been in and angry at herself for not paying more attention to her. She was also hurt. Not by Amanda but hurt by her own stupidity and ignorance and hurt for not seeing how unfair and unfriendly she had come across. She was a sergeant, for god's sake, and she couldn't even see when one of her subordinates was hurting. If she could turn back the time and start all over, she would. She would've done things differently, be more observant, take time to listen, try new ideas, see things from a different perspective, point of view and angle. Why had she been so stupid?

She had cried herself to sleep that night and the stoic sergeant hardly ever cried. It had been an emotional rollercoaster of a night and Olivia felt completely drained and physically exhausted from it that she couldn't even find the energy to change into her night clothes. She slept in her pantsuit and shoes until her alarm clock pierced and drilled through her skull, forcing her to wake up and face the day.

Amanda didn't show up to work the next day, or the day after, and they were all worried about her. Fin had received a text from his partner, saying that she wasn't feeling well and would take at least two sick days. Fin and Carisi showed genuine concern over their coworker and hoped that she would be on the mend sooner rather than later. Olivia was the only one who knew the truth, that she wasn't physically sick at all and that she was probably too emotionally exhausted, too sad and in a too low of a mood to show her face and Olivia understood. She understood too well.

The sergeant's focus was interrupted by a knock on her office door and Fin stepped inside. "A word, sarge?"

Nodding, Olivia put laptop aside and turned her full attention towards her senior detective. "This is about Amanda, isn't it?" she asked while removing her glasses.

Fin sat down in the chair on the opposite side of Olivia's hardwood desk and sighed. "Yeah, what's going on with her? She has never taken a sickday since she started working here so I know that it's all bullshit. Is she in trouble? Is she gambling again?"

Liv frowned. "Gambling? Why do you say that?"

Fin immediately felt bad for, unintentionally, betraying Amanda's trust and rubbed a hand over his face in frustration and regret. "I thought you knew about that? I mean, being the sergeant and all but I guess you didn't. Man, do I feel like crap." he shifted in his chair. "Look, I honestly thought you knew about it. I know her addiction was really bad in Atlanta but she goes to meetings and she's been doing realy good since she came to New York. She had one setback but that was over a year ago. Craigen knew about it before he retired so I just thought that he passed on the info, but I guess not."

 _Gambling?_ Liv thought to herself. Boy, this was getting complicated and confusing. Amanda obviously must have told Craigen in confidence and made him promise that he wouldn't tell a soul. It scared Olivia that she didn't know her coworker as well as she thought she did. Of course people have their secrets and the right to their own personal life, but this, this was something that had to be addressed. Maybe Amanda was gambling and had ended up in bad company or a bad situation? She also felt bad for Fin, who was now caught in the middle of it all and had unintentionally broken a promise and she didn't want to get him in trouble for it.

"Okay," Liv sighed, "look, I don't want you to get into trouble for telling me. Let's just pretend for now that I knew about it and I'll talk to her. I'll ask her straight out if she has... fallen off the wagon and, if that's the case, then I'll get her some help."

"What about her shield?" Fin wanted to know. "Work is all she's got, Liv. If she can't work then... I don't know what she would do."

Olivia studied the man before her with a confused and concerned expression. "What makes you say that? Is there something I should know? Is she okay, I mean, mentally? Did she say anything to you that makes you believe that she would do anything drastic or out of character?" she was worried now. Everybody has demons but she didn't realize how deep Amanda's troubles ran and she also knew hardly anything about her life as a child or her past, just that Craigen had fleetingly mentioned a touch childhood and trust issues.

Fin bit his inner cheek. "I'm not gonna betray her trust. I've already said too much and I don't want that on my conscience. I know about her past and that's all I'm gonna say. If you need answers to your questions, you're gonna have to ask her about it. I'm sorry."

"Don't be." the brunette said with a soft tone. "I know you have your partner's back and how much you care for her. I will talk to Amanda myself and I won't say anything of what you just told me. Don't worry, we'll sort this out, whatever it is that's going on. We've all got her back and she's a great addition to the team. We'll fight for her." she promised.

Now it was Fin's turn to frown. "Wow, who are you and what have you done to Benson?" then he regretted his words as soon as they had been said. "I mean, I didn't mean that... all I'm saying is that you and Amanda haven't been... you know... Seeing eye to eye and that..."

Olivia smiled sadly. "I know. But that's all about to change. I just hope she will give me a second chance."

Fin could see that his boss was genuinely upset and that her words were true and he felt bad for her. "She will. With time she will." he promised and left her office with quiet footsteps, leaving her in a buzzing silence.

That evening, Liv shut down her laptop two hours earlier than usual. Fin gave her a wink as she went out the door, telling her that things would okay and she felt blessed for having such good friends, or more like a family. Carisi mocked her by offering her a salute as she passed him out but knew he ment well and that he was only trying to lighten the mood.

As she made her way rowards Amanda's apartment building, she found herself feeling nervous. She hadn't really prepared a speech or anything but instead figured that playing it by ear would be the best option. She felt bad coming empty handed. Usually when she called to someone's house, a bottle of wine was always appropriate, but in this case it wouldn't be a wise decision considering the big bottle of scotch that Amanda had pulled out two nights ago, with the obvious intention of drowning her emotions in the liquor. Instead, Olivia settled for two large take away cappuccinos close to Amanda's block.

The unsettling feeling in her stomach made her wish that she actually had a bottle of wine to ease her nerves a bit but she was already by Amanda's door, knocking softly on it. She knocked again but louder and heard footsteps inside coming closer to the door. "Amanda, it's me Liv, could you open up, please?" when nothing happened she tried again. "Look, I know you're in there, I heard you walking around. Please, just let me in so we can talk."

She heard mumbling coming from the other side of the wall and figured she was talking to Frannie, telling her to be quiet and that it was okay. The security chain was removed, the lock turned and the door swung open revealing a pale, drawn and tired blonde. Her hair was up in a messy bun, she was wearing yoga pants, big woolly socks, a plain dark blue t-shirt and a robe with a tie around the waist. She looked worse for wear.

"Hi." Liv said in a soft voice, taking in Amanda's exhausted appearance. "How are you feeling?" it was a question you always ask someone who was sick even though she knew that the blonde wasn't physically ill.

Amanda frowned, blinked a few times, as if to clear her blood shot eyes, and took a step back. "Wh... what are you doing her, sarge?"

Olivia tilted her head to the side, that way she always does when she spoke to victims or was about to approach a delicate subject. "I'm worried about you, we all are. It's not like you to take a sick day." there was a slight pause. "Can I come in? I've got coffee." she raised the two cups up in the air and smiled sheepishly.

Bleary eyes studied her for a while before she swallowed heavily and opened the door fully. "Um, sure. I... I was just cleaning." she muttered awkwardly.

Stepping inside, Liv noticed that the apartment was spotless, shiny counter tops, squeaky clean floor, nothing was out of place and Frannie was lying peacefully in her bed next to the couch, wagging her tail as soon as she spotted Olivia and happily trotted towards the brunette to say hello. Liv placed the cups on the dining table and crouched down to properly greet the dog. "Hello, Frannie girl." she cooed in a baby like voice and scratched the dog behind it's ear. She had never been a dog person but she knew how much Frannie meant to Amanda and hoped that she could use that to get closer to the blonde somehow.

"She likes you." Amanda mumbled from behind and Liv stood up, still smiling and turned to her colleague.

"The feeling is mutual. She's a great dog and I know she's important to you."

An awkward minute later Amanda sat down by the table, pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them to keep warm. There was a chill in the air and she could feel it now. Her body was cooling down since she had stopped cleaning like a maniac which caused her body temperature to lower and more prone to feel the cold. "She is." Amanda said in almost a whisper. "Why are you here, sarge?" she sipped her take away coffee, throwing Liv a side glance and held the warm cup between cool hands, appreciating the hot soothing liquid.

Olivia didn't like the sound of Amanda's voice. It was cold, empty and distant, like she didn't care either way. Pulling up a chair, Liv positioned herself on the opposite side of the table, rolling the paper cup between her palms. "I'm here because I'm worried about you." holding up a hand to indicate no interruptions, she continue speaking. "Before you say anything, will you please just hear me out?"

The blonde grew nervous and uncomfortable but since she had felt bad for shouting at her boss a couple of nights ago, she felt like she owed it to her. "Fine." she said and began to pick at the logo label on the paper cup with her nail to keep her hands occupied.

The sergeant shifted in her chair, making herself as comfortable as possible, trying to form the words and sentences in her head before actually saying them out loud. "First of all, I want to say I'm sorry that you feel like I haven't been treating you well because you're right, I haven't, and I have a hard time forgiving myself for that. I was in my own little bubble when you started working with us because of the sudden absence of my previous partner and, yes, it's a lousy reason for being so standoff-ish and distant towards you. I was set in my own ways and was not in the mood or in a functional mental state to accept change back then. I guess, in a way, a saw you as a rival more than a coworker." she gently chuckled and gave Amanda an apologetic smile.

"I know it sounds stupid but you walked in as a breath of fresh air, eager to work, to learn and to help out in any way you could. I didn't want things to change and I didn't want to change myself to accommodate somebody else's needs or wants. I was angry and hurt and felt like my partner had betrayed me." a tear slipped down her cheek but wiped it away with her thumb and took another sip of her creamy coffee.

"I let a lot of things slip through my fingers over the years, things that I shouldn't have let slip, and that is completely my fault and I'm the only one to blaim for that." brown shiny eyes blinked desperately to avoid a full on crying session but finally the tears seemed to be under control. Amanda was watching and listening a few feet away from where she was sitting and she couldn't help but to feel sorry for her boss even though she was still angry.

"I've watched you struggle, Amanda. I've watched you struggle a few times over the years we've been working together and I should've done something sooner, should've approached you or talked to you about it and not just sweep it under the rug and hope for the best. I know that we all have our issues and secrets but I should've handled things differently. I don't expect you to forgive me, at least not now, but I hope that in time things will change."

Dark brown eyes locked with tired weary blues and she gave Amanda a watery smile. "You're a great detective, a loyal partner, a great team worker and a good friend. I hope that we can be friends, Amanda, I really do. Believe it or not but work hasn't been the same these last two days, simply because you weren't there. I know that trust is an issue for you and it is for me too. Maybe we can work on that together, what do you say?"

Still picking at the, now almost worn out logo on the paper cup, she bit her lip and thought hard and long before amswering. "You're right, trust is not my thing." she mumbled coldly and took a swig of the hot beverage. "But I do want to apologize for shouting at you before. I was out of line and I'm sorry, sarge."

"It's okay, you only spoke the truth and how you felt and I can't fault you for that." Liv gently stated and offered her a warm and comforting smile. "And you can call me Olivia or Liv when we're not at work. Everybody else does, well, except Carisi." she chuckled and felt a wave of warmth wash over her as she heard Amanda join in. The light laughter died out and there was a comfortable silence in the room this time. The awkwardness, that had previously filled the apartment seemed to have flown away for now and was replaced with a sense of calm and understanding between the two detectives.

"Will you be at work tomorrow?" the brunette asked softly, waiting patiently for the answer she hoped she would receive.

"I'll be there." Amanda promised and felt as if a huge rock had been lifted from her shoulders. Maybe, hopefully, things would be different from now on. It was going to take time and she wasn't willing to forgive and forget just like that, but they were now on a good start and Amanda found herself feeling lighter, something she hadn't felt in a long long time.


	5. Chapter 5

**I want to thank everyone for great reviews. It really makes my day when people take the time to leave a note or two. Very much appreciated.**

The Murky Depths

Chapter 5

Olivia had been stuck at 1 PP for most of the day and was now headed back to the precinct, tired and stiff for sitting down for hours with only one short break. She preferred to be working in the field where she could keep active, see what was going on and not be stuck behind a desk, handling paper work and getting tired from the dry and warm air that swirled around in her office on a daly basis.

She decided against taking a cab and instead walked the ten minute drive to stretch her legs and hoping that the air would help her feel more awake and focused. The sun peeked through white puffy clouds and there was a light breeze that ruffled through her dark brown shoulder length hair. Things with Amanda was going okay. Since that evening, about a week ago when Liv had brought the two cappuccinos, they had gotten slightly closer to each other. They had even gone out for lunch together once and found one another's company quite pleasant even though they only kept their conversations light and mostly work related.

Fin was delighted to see that his partner was slowly starting to trust and relax around their boss. He was so use to seeing Amanda so tense and stressed, always trying to be one step ahead of everybody else, to prove to the squad, and mostly Liv, that she was capable of doing a good job. Carisi also seemed to be happy with the way things were going and could sense a change in the air when it came to the two female detectives. Carisi had even secretly witnessed an incident between the two when Olivia had thrown Amanda a compliment about the shirt she was wearing and how it brought out the colour in her eyes. He was glad that they seemed to be getting on better all of a sudden but decided not to mention or question it, not wanting to make a mountain out of a molehill.

It was just after lunchtime and knew that at least one of her detectives had gone out for a bite to eat and she was right. Walking into the pullpen she spotted one empty desk, Amanda's. "Amanda still on her lunch break?" she asked Fin, who was deeply engrossed in an open file infront of him.

Looking up, he frowned and looked at the time. "She should be back by now. I'll call her." he said, whipped out his phone but there was no answer from the blonde. "Weird! She always answeres her phone, especially during working hours. She's probably on her way back."

Olivia nodded and looked over at Carisi just as his phone rang. Fin and Liv could both tell that something serious was up as their colleague turned completely white and pasty looking and his hands were shaking so bad he could barely hold onto the phone. When he hung up Liv placed a hand on his arm and told him to sit. His body didn't move an inch, he just looked at Fin and said with a shaky voice. "That was a buddy of mine on the force. The bank around the corner is being robbed as we speak."

Now is was Fin's turn to go ghostly white and his heart began to work overtime. He looked at his boss and the saw the worry, confusion and dread in her deep brown eyes. "That's why Amanda is not back yet. She had to go to the bank."

All three of them just stood still for a second, trying to process what had been said and what had just happened. It's quite amazing how many thoughts can pass through your mind in just a split second but it seemed like they all had the same thought as they grabbed their badges, guns, coats and ran out of there as fast as their legs would carry them.

After running two blocks they rounded a corner and was immediately met with flashing sirens, a barrier had been put up around the premises, uniforms everywhere, the SWAT team with the big guns and Tucker from IAB who was also a very skilled negotiator. As Liv saw the chaos playing out in front of her, her stomach clenched at the thought of Amanda being inside with some crazy and unpredictable perp, gun pointed at her, scared and confused as to why this was happening.

"What can we do, sarge? She's in there, she could be hurt or much worse, she could be..."

"Don't you think I know that, Carisi." Liv's stern voice interrupted as she let her eyes wander over the scene, taking in everything that was happening. One of her own was in danger and there was little to none she could do about it. "I'm gonna talk to Tucker and see what's going on. Stay here and don't even think about doing something stupid."

She left her two male detectives and ran towards the IAB van and spotted Tucker straight away with a serious look on his face, writing down possible suspects on a white board while just finishing a conversation with someone through an ear piece. As he saw sergeant Benson's concerned and worried gaze he made sure to disconnect the call and walked over to her. "Benson, what are you doing here? Last time I checked you worked sex crimes." he said, confused as to why she was there.

"One of my detectives is in there. Amanda Rollins." Liv stated with great concern. "What are we looking at? What can we do?" she pleaded but tried as hard as she could to stay proffesional.

"You can't do anything." said Tucker and sighed. "This is not a sex crime, plus, you and your squad are too close to one of the hostages, making it too personal for you to have anything to do with this case. I've got all my men working on this, some are already inside the building trying to find another way in where they're being held while I've been trying to reason with, what appears to be the leader."

"So we're just suppose to sit back and do nothing?" she snapped, took a step closer to invade Tucker's private space, acting intimidating.

The older taller man straightened up and looked down at the sergeant. "Yes." he simply stated and went back to his task without another word. Fin and Carisi had come up behind and heard everything, sighing in frustration and anger. Then, Tucker's phone rang and everyone around turned dead silent. "Hello."

Just like everyone suspected, it was the ring leader again and Liv gestured for him to turn on the speaker so they all could hear what was going on. "Things just turned ugly." the deep and raspy voice said, making Liv shiver from dread and terror.

Tucker frowned but stayed calm. "What do you mean?"

The perp laughed wickedly through the speaker then suddenly changed his demeanor and shouted at the top of his lungs. "There's a fucking cop in here!"

Olivia immediately locked eyes with Tucker and ran her fingers through her hair, taking a deep breath and let it out slowly as the perp continued. "Me and the cop have come to an agreement. I'll let the hostages go but she stays." he snarled and the line immediately went dead.

"She's making sure everyone else is safe." Fin whispered from a distance and let his eyes wander over the big brick building that was sealed off. "What the fuck, Rollins." he kicked an empty can of coke that was lying on the ground. "What do we do now?" he asked to no one in particular, merely thinking out loud.

"We wait until the hostages are out. The less people inside, the more control we have over the situation." Tucker informed as they all turned their attention to the big double glass doors, waiting for the swarm of terrified people running in all different directions, crying and screaming. About a minute later it all happened just the way they expected.

Twenty-seven people came running out from inside the bank, including the staff, but there should've been twenty eight, Liv thought and paced back and forth on a small area, making everyone who was watching dizzy. Carisi finally placed a hand on her arm and gave her a gentle squeeze in reassurance, even though his eyes were just as clouded with worry as hers. "She'll be fine. She's strong and stubborn."

"It's the stubborn part I'm worried about." she said, her voice full of concern for the blonde.

"It's the stubborn part that's going to get her through, sarge." by saying those words he hoped to calm their sergeant some and possibly himself and Fin along the way. It was an agonizingly long wait to see what was happening next. Every nerve, every cell and every hair follicle on Liv's body was on full alert and all her senses became magnified as the adrenaline steadily pumped through her veins. Fin looked as if he had been turned into stone due to his rigid posture, deadly serious face and anger making his body tremble. Carisi appeared calm and collected but Liv could see the anxiety and worry seeping through. They were all extremely concerned for their coworker's and friend's safety.

"We've got visual." someone yelled from inside the van and they all scurried over to the small tv screens that was now showing three armed men with heavy guns and masks and a small blonde tense looking woman. Amanda.

"What are they saying?" Fin wanted to know.

"The camera's only allows visual." Tucker informed and zoomed in on the perps and the female detective. "Can we get a lip reader in here asap?" he demanded, never taking his eyes off the monitors.

"God, she looks so scared." Olivia whimpered sympathetically, not fully aware that she had said it out loud. She just wanted her detective out of there, safe and sound, unharmed and sooner rather than later.

Amanda's heart was pounding so violently it was a miracle that the three men couldn't hear it or for her pumping muscle to burst from the effort. She was scared, no doubt about it, who wouldn't be? But she didn't want to let it show and therefore did her best to hide it by taking slow deep breaths when the men weren't looking. Her gun had been taken from her as soon as they spotted it and found out that she was indeed a cop, leaving her totally defenseless against their heavy firearms.

"Look, I know the people out there. They're not going to stop until this situation is under control and cleared. I know how they work, how they think and how they operate. You can use me to get out of here alive. Just tell them what you want and they'll make it happen." the trembling in her voice couldn't go unnoticed and she mentally kicked herself for not being able to control it.

After a long conversation she had, somehow, managed to talk the three men into letting the others go and to keep her as some sort of guarantee and a ticket out of there. They had been trained in the academy for situations like these but everything she had been taught, everything she had been told was now nowhere to be found inside her memory no matter how deep she tried to dig into her mind. Then it dawned on her that she was already doing everything she should be doing. Stay calm, do what they say, make it look like they are in control, make them feel like they have the upper hand, hold all the cards and call the shots. There was not much she could do now, except to wait for help to arrive.

She knew the place was swarmed with cops and security. She could see the flashing of the red and blue lights, hear the sirense that had now ebbed and the chaotic chatter and yelling from the people outside. She wondered if her squad was there. Had they been informed that she was being held hostage in a bank robbery? Were they looking at her through the cameras? Were they working on getting her out of there? She was desperate to get out, desperate to see her squad again, desperate to see Liv. To apologize to her for shouting at her that night, even though she had already apologized, to say how sorry she was for all those times she had been late for work and for using lame excuses to justify her tardiness and how sorry she was for those times she had messed up at work, whether it was regarding a case or private matters. But this was where she found herself at now, caught in the crossfire, a hostage, the middleman, trapped between two different sides of the law, the wrong and the right, heaven and hell, good and bad.

"You seem very sure of yourself. What makes you think that they will do anything we ask just go get you out of here alive? You're just one single stupid cop! There are plenty of cops around so why would they waste their time and resources on you?" the tallest of the men grunted as he walked up to her, tracing the tip of the barrel from her cheek down to her left nipple, pressing roughly against it, causing the blonde to whimper in pain.

"Just call Tucker again and tell him what you need and I'll make sure you get it." Amanda promised, knowing very well that it might not be as simple as that.

"The son of a bitch is touching her." Fin said between clenched teeth, his body shook from rage and wanted nothing more than to barge in there and shove that firearm up his ass and pull the trigger.

Liv watched as the barrel of the gun trailed down Amanda's upper body and it made her sick with worry of what might happen next. Seeing her detective in a hostage situation caused her blood to boil and there was nothing she could do about it. "Your men got a clear visual yet? Have they found another way in?"

Tucker's radio went off, informing him that they were now inside the building and were now trying to make it into the secluded area where the men were keeping Amanda against her will. "Wait for a clear view before taking any necessary actions." Tucker responded into his radio and watched the small screens as the leader, once again, traced his gun further down and came to a stop between Amanda's legs, pushing and rubbing her on the outside of her jeans.

"You like that, bitch?" the man whispered in a low voice and licked his dry cracked lips while the other two snickered and looked on. "You like it hard and rough?" he asked and added more pressure on her groin area, causing her to whimper in pain. "Oh, baby! I like when you make noises like that. What kind of a cop are you anyway?" he took a step closer so that he was almost pressed against Amanda's body, inhaling her scent, rubbing his nose lightly over her blonde locks.

"I'm an SVU detective." she responded in a hiss of discomfort due to the weapon that was assaulting her down bellow.

The leader laughed out loud, throwing his head back and pressed his gun harder into her sex. "How ironic." the men behind them chuckled at his words and Amanda felt a cold shiver run through her already trembling frame. "Tell me, detective, who will you call if you get raped? Your boss? Your captain? SVU?" the roaring and hollering of laughter echoed through the room, bouncing from wall to wall before it eventually died down and the man in charge leaned closer and whispered into her ear. "Strip!"

Amanda's body turned rigid from fear and she shook even more violently as his stale smoky breath spread across her face. She couldn't move even if she wanted or had to. She was frozen to the ground like an iron statue, cold, stiff and solid. "I said strip." he repeated with more force in his voice but Amanda still couldn't find the ability to move. His patience ran out and turned to the two armed men behind him. "Get her undressed. Now!"

Within a few seconds they had her coat and shirt ripped off and she was now standing in jeans, boots and a black bra, her skin cold and and body chilled from the shock and the low temperature inside the building. She tried to cover herself with her arms but the men held them back, laughing as they began to unbotton her jeans. Then, survival mode kicked in and she started to fight back, crying and screaming, throwing punches right and left, tears streaming down her face. One of the men lifted her up from behind while the other yanked her boots and socks off, all while the leader stood a couple of feet away, watching, smiling.

The jeans followed suit and the blonde was now left in only her bra and matching panties, shaking from fear and horror of what was about to come. Half naked she found herself being held from each side while the leader studied her body from top to toe, smirking and licking his lips repeatedly. "You have a nice body, detective. Mind if I have a closer look?" he chuckled and roughly grabbed a hold of her left breast and squeezed it hard, making the blonde squirm from the pain before anger suddenly bubbled up to the surface.

She surprised the man by spitting into his face and an animalistic growl ripped from her chest and throat, her will to survive became so strong she was willing to do anything to get out of there alive.

Still grinning from ear to ear, the leader slowly wiped his cheek with the sleeve of his jacket and stepped closer, standing so still and quiet in front of her that she was sure he could hear her heartbeat. Then, without warning, he slammed his gun into her lower stomach once before moving up and repeated his actions on her left side, assaulting her ribs. The pain was enormous and the need to curl up into ball on the floor became too much causing her knees to buckle and she was instantly let go.

Cradling her stomach and ribs as best as she could with her hands and arms she raised her head to look at the man standing infront of her, laughing and grinning like a demon from hell. He then raised his fist, ready to give her a hard punch across the face, when suddenly, there was a loud bang and she became aware of the warm, red and thick liquid covering most of her body before everything went black.


	6. Chapter 6

The Murky Depths

Chapter 6

Olivia Benson was usually a woman who listened to others, followed rules, laws and protocol and did things by the book. Going against someone's orders, especially authority figures, never turned out good for her. After so many years on the force she had come to realize that and always tried as hard as she possibly could to never put herself in a situation where she was torn between right or wrong, what to do and what not to do.

In this situation, however, she couldn't care less about Tucker's orders of staying put until the scene had been cleared. They had all watched in horror as the clothes from Amanda's body had been ripped off and how they had physically assaulted her. Never in her life had Olivia felt such deep and pure rage towards another human being.

Fin and Carisi were just a couple of feet behind as she ran through the glass doors and searched desperately for her injured detective. Scanning the area she quickly spotted a large amount of blood spatter on, an otherwise, brilliant white wall but she couldn't see a body. As quick as she could she ran towards the red stained wall and rounded a corner and that is when she spotted the lifeless body of the leader, while four members from the SWAT team tried to subdue the other two men and two other members were crouched down by Amanda's side, checking for a pulse.

"Get away from her." Liv shouted in an overprotective manner, hearing Fin on his radio, requesting a bus and then got down on her knees beside the blonde, cupping her face in her hands and gently slapped her around a little bit to rouse her. "Amanda? Amanda, honey, can you hear me?"

There was a faint moan before blue eyes fluttered open and stared straight into brown ones, full of concern and care. "Hey, you're okay. Don't move, help is on the way, just stay still. You're gonna be okay, you're safe now." Amanda suddenly began to shiver from cold and quickly realized that she was lying semi naked on the chilled floor in front of her squad and people she's never seen before. She was mortified. Then, the pain in her lower abdomen and ribs kicked in and she curled into a ball, crying out in agony as she moved but the embarrassment of being almost naked won over her pain.

"I know, I know it hurts, but try to stay still until the paramedics get in here. You're safe now, it's okay." she soothed as she swiftly removed her coat and gently covered Amanda with it to keep some of her dignity intact and to warm her up to the best of her ability.

Fin and Carisi didn't really know what to do since they knew Amanda was a very private person and would probably have a heart attack if she knew they had seen her body. When the medics arrived, Liv's coat was replaced with a grey thick blanket and hauled onto a stretcher while the paramedics were throwing questions at the worried brunette of what type of injuries she had sustained as Amanda was in too much pain to talk.

"I'm going with her." Fin said, determined to not leave his partner in a time of need.

Liv grabbed a hold of his wrist before he could get into the ambulance and gently pulled him back. "Fin, she's practically naked. I don't think she would appreciate you seeing her like this. It's better if I go. I need you to hold down the fort. I'll keep you posted of what's going on." she yelled just as the doors closed and the bus quickly picked up speed.

Inside the ambulance Liv gently took an icy small hand in hers and spoke soothingly to her while the medic did his job. Amanda tried to lie still but it hurt too much to lie flat down so she pulled her knees up and turned slightly to one side. The blanket that covered her already bruising ribs slipped and that's when Olivia saw something on the blonde's arms she first couldn't identify. It took a couple of seconds before her brain clicked and registered them as scars, most of them were small and wouldn't draw attention if you weren't looking straight at them. Others were larger, mottled and almost white in colour and Liv knew that they must've been deep and very painful.

"Is she a cutter?" the medic asked in sympathy and administered a pain relief into Amanda's arm.

Liv was still shocked at what she had seen and couldn't answer the man straight away. "I... I don't know, I... I don't know." she whispered, her throat closing up, feeling all kinds of emotions overwhelm her and she couldn't help but to gently and discreetly push the blanket to the side to reveal Amanda's thighs and abdomen. She gasped when she saw similar horizontal marks on both of her muscular thighs and her tight stomach, some more fresh looking than others and Liv knew those marks all too well.

She tucked the cover around Amanda who was in agony and too out of it to even notice the movement of the blanket or the medics comment about her being a cutter. The injection started to work and the pain slowly abated which caused the blonde to relax and calm, she even opened her eyes, that had previously been shut the entire time due to the pain, and she looked straight at Olivia. "I'm sorry." she mumbled and tried to sit up.

"Hey," the brunette and the medic was quick in their actions and gently held her down. "don't move too much, you can injure yourself further. Lay back and try to calm down." she softly instructed while still holding onto Amanda's hand with one of her own as the other was placed on her head, letting her thumb caress a pale and clammy forehead. "Don't be sorry." she whispered and felt her own eyes well up slightly at the though of Amanda apologizing for something that was completely out of her control. "You have nothing to be sorry for, honey. Nothing at all. Just relax and let the doctors do their job, okay."

Olivia was ordered to wait in the waiting area. She had stayed with her colleague for as long as she could before she was literally pushed aside and told that she wasn't allowed any further and had to wait for a doctor to update her on Amanda's condition. It was a long wait. Too long, even though it had only been about forty minutes but knew very well that it could take another forty, if not longer.

Fin had rang twice to ask about his partner and Liv told him that she would call him as soon as she knew anything. While she sat there, waiting for any news about her detective's wellbeing, a wave of shame, regret and immense sadness came crashing over her and she hung her head in defeat. Thinking back, she could recall several times when Amanda had been late for work and would show up stressed, on edge, bags under her eyes, paler than usual and completely exhausted. Olivia's solution to the problem was to raise her voice and didn't really care if anyone around them heard or watched.

Now, she could see how insensitive, mean and ignorant she had been towards her, wishing she could take it all back, do things differently, ask her if she was okay, if she needed anything or if she wanted to talk. Those days were probably the mornings after a typically hard night for Amanda. So hard that she found solace and relief in slicing her skin open over and over again until she bled and the emotional pain would ease.

She should've known something was up. She should've seen that something was not right and that Amanda wasn't okay. The guilt she felt was immense and she brushed away a stray tear that rolled silently down her cheek. "Family of Amanda Rollins?"

Liv quickly snapped back into reality as a middle age doctor mentioned Amanda's name and Liv stood up. "I'm here for Amanda."

"You family?" the doctor asked.

"Um, no, I'm her sergeant, Olivia Benson, I brought her in. Her family is... it's complicated. Is she okay?"

Dr Regan saw the concern in Olivia's eyes and decided not to ask about his patient's blood relations but to tell Olivia about her condition straight out. "She's will be fine. She's on strong pain medication so she's a bit woozy. No fractures to her ribs or pelvic but she does have sever bruising, soft tissue damage and an abdominal strain that will take quite some time to heal." he paused for a moment, deciding whether he should mention the scars or not.

Liv sensed his uncertainty and frowned. "What? What are you not telling me?"

"I noticed marks on her body. A lot of them and, being a doctor, I know what caused them. Did you know she is self harming?"

The brunette had a hard time to keep her voice in check and had to swallow several times against the lump in her throat before she could answer. "I... I saw the scars in the ambulance on our way here. I just found out." she said in a shaky voice. "I had no idea that she was hurting herself."

The doctor nodded and gestured with his hand to follow him. "It's up to her if she wants help or not. We have various programs, therapy and medication that will help her but our hands are tied unless she comes in here willingly."

"I'll talk to her about it." Liv stated, already dreading to bring that subject up, knowing Amanda will shut down and insist that she is fine and doesn't need anybody's help. "When will she be able to go home?" she asked as they headed down a long corridor buzzing with activity, people crying in pain and discomfort, kids yelling for god knows what and overworked nurses that had way too many patients to see.

The doctor chuckled lightly. "She already made it clear that she will not stay the night and insist to leave as soon as possible. She even asked when she can return to work. I told her it can take weeks, maybe a couple of months, for the soft tissue damage to dissipate and the abdominal strain maybe even longer and she wasn't exactly thrilled to hear that. Maybe she'll listen to you."

Now it was Liv's turn to chuckle. "You're asking the impossible, doctor but I'll do my best."

Amanda had been put in a separate room, away from all the hustle and bustle due to the shock she was experiencing. She was wearing dark blue scrubs that the hospital had given her and two blankets were wrapped around her body to keep her warm and comfortable and a carton of orange juice was placed on the small table next to the bed, unopened. As Olivia stepped into the quiet room the blonde was resting her eyes and her breathing seemed normal, nice and relaxed compared to the shallow and fast gasps of air she had struggled with earlier due to the pain. Her face was pale and a slight frown was plastered upon her features and Liv knew that the pain was obviously still there but not as bad as before.

She studied the detective from where she was standing. She had never taken the time to really look at the blonde before, really _look_ at her, and the beauty and elegance the blonde possessed was impossible not to see. Olivia had always thought Amanda was an attractive young woman but never thought anything more about it but now, from where she was standing, in this moment, she looked absolutely beautiful. Smiling tenderly, Liv quietly approached the bed.

"If you have come to kick my ass for, unknowingly and unintensinally getting into trouble, I strongly suggest that you wait until I'm pain free, Fin. Liv is gonna kill me for this, she already hates me as it is." she moaned and shifted uncomfortably under the blankets.

"Why would I kill you?" the soft voice replied and gazed down at her injured friend.

Amanda immediately popped her eyes open, frowned and let her confused and puzzled stare wander around the room before settling on her boss's stunning features. "Oh, hi, um I thought that... I thought you were Fin. Sorry." she mumbled in embarrassment, turned her gaze away and mentally giving herself the third degree. "What are you doing here, sarge? I'm okay."

Sighing, the brunette pulled up a chair and sat down, her hands folded in her lap. "I'm here because I want to be and I'm going to ask you again; why would I kill you?" the room fell silent and Liv wasn't sure she was going to get an answer until Amanda finally spoke.

"For getting into trouble... again!" muttered the blonde, too embarrassed to look at her boss.

"Amanda," Liv said in a heavy sigh. "you didn't cause this. You just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, that's all. No one is blaiming you for this, honey. You're not in trouble so why do you think you are?"

The doped up woman chuckled bitterly but winched at the pain in her ribs and stomach. "I always seem to find trouble or trouble always seem to find me, I'm not sure which one."

"Well, you have made some... bad choices in the past and so have I. For example not treating you right, for not noticing you, for not making a better effort to establish a stronger relationship between us and for not listening to you." when Amanda didn't respond, move or make eye contact, she gently asked, "why do you think I hate you?"

Again, Amanda laughed and then hissed in pain. Liv let her hand hover above the blonde's shoulder, wanting to provide her with some physical comfort but decided that it wasn't a good idea at the moment and pulled back. "For all the mistakes I've made, for all the times I've lied to you guys, trying to cover up my fuck ups? How could you _not_ hate me? I hate myself for it." she made a brief paused, collecting herself, lowering her voice to a whisper. "I've tried to get back into your good graces but I always seem to end up further away from it."

Olivia felt her heart clench at her words and her chest became heavy with regret and self blaim. "Oh, Amanda! You're already back in my good graces, honey. Don't beat yourself up over things that you did or happened in the past. Let's leave it in the past and focus on the present and the future. I could never hate you, Amanda so please, don't hate yourself."

The blonde was getting tired, the pain medication was doing it's job. "It's not that easy, sarge." she mumbled, her eyes drooping and speech lightly slurred.

Liv knew she was fighting against sleep. The blonde looked so small and vulnerable in the big hospital bed, wrapped in a mountain of blankets. She had never seen her so frail and broken before and she blaimed herself for having played a part in why she was here in the first place. Tucking the blankets tighter around her petite frame, she let her hand linger longer than necessary, resting it momentarily on Amanda's shoulder. "Well, why don't we start by taking small steps in the right direction, like calling me by my first name?"

Amanda smiled weakly with her eyes now fully closed, her voice full of sleep. "Yes, sarge."


	7. Chapter 7

The Murky Depths

Chapter 7

"You should've listened to Liv, Amanda." Fin told her over the phone, slightly annoyed that his partner had not taken Olivia up on her offer about staying at her place for a while, until her pain had subsided to a stage where she could comfortably manage everyday tasks on her own. Being her usual stubborn self, she had instantly declined and insisted on going home alone.

"I'm fine, Fin. I'm much more comfortable in my own apartment anyway. Don't worry, I can manage." she tried to sound as convincing as possible but, if truth were to be told, she was a bit nervous and cautious about doing certain things on her own like shower, get dressed and undressed, get in and out of bed and simple cleaning tasks. She would never, however, say that out loud to anybody, not even her partner.

She had proudly managed to make herself a cup of herbal tea and was now resting on her couch underneath a blanket belonging to herself, instead of the awful looking hospital covers and started to feel how sluggish the pain medication was making her. She had managed to take a shower earlier but it had been a strenuous task, especially washing her hair and then trying to towel dry it. The pain in her abdomen and ribs had been excruciating and she eventually had to give in to the strong bottle of pain relief that so temptingly stood on the kitchen counter, staring at her.

Fin had now tried for over ten minutes to convince Amanda that she should just swallow her pride and reside at Liv's for a while. "Why do you have to be so damn stubborn, Rollins? Liv just wants to help, there's no shame in admitting that you need an extra set of hands."

"I told you, I'm fine! If I need something I'll call you or Carisi. I don't want to bother Liv with my petty problems." she sighed and finished the last of her tea.

"They're not petty, Rollins. You were beaten assaulted and taken hostage. No one is gonna blame you, or think less of you, for needing help."

Amanda rolled her eyes at her partner even though he couldn't see her. "Well, thanks for clearing that up, partner. As if I had forgotten what happened to me." she grumbled into the phone and slowly stood up, making her way into the kitchen. "As I said, if I need anything I'll let you know but now I'm heading to bed so good night, Fin." she hung up before he had a chance to start again about how impossibly stubborn she is for not accepting help when she needs it. She had Frannie, who had comfortably curled up against her side on the sofa while sipping her tea, and she was now trotting behind her like a shadow.

She went to bed that night, groggy and woozy, hoping to get a good nights rest but, not long into her deep slumber, did the nightmares start and she woke up sweaty, out of breath and heart wildly beating inside her heaving chest. Her ribs ached from the strain and did her best to calm her rapid breathing by silently telling herself that she was safe, at home in her own apartment and that everything was okay.

She was scared. The dream had been so real it felt like she was back there again, in the hands of three masked men, pawing at her, ripping her clothes off and beating her black and blue. Looking at the time she realized that she had only been asleep for a couple of hours and the drugs in her system was still making her extremely tired and she had to fight against much needed sleep. Finally she sat up and shook her head to clear it, taking slow and calming breaths to get rid of the anxiety that had a fierce hold of her sweat soaked body. Frannie nudged her shoulder with her wet nose and licked the side of her face, sensing that something was not right with her master and wanted to help.

"Oh Frannie! What am I gonna do?" She felt alone and cold. The strong need of having someone there with her was a new feeling she wasn't use to and she didn't like it, not one bit. As she sat there, thinking about what to do, the feeling of needing physical comfort only grew stronger by the second and after a few minutes she was shocked when she noticed tears dripping down her cheeks and a sob escaped her lips. Closing her eyes she saw Olivia, her boss, her brown caring and loving eyes, picturing herself in her strong and secure arms, telling her that everything would be okay, stroking her hair and back, holding her close, willing warmth and love into her empty and hollow body, hungry for comfort.

No, she would never show such weakness. She would never give in to the urge of needing someone. She had been on her own the majority of her life and that wasn't going to change now. No! Pushing herself up from the bed she hauled herself into the bathroom, sat down on the closed toilet seat and sat down, the chilled air inside the small tiled room felt cool against her heated skin and it awoke her senses.

Now, shaking from the cold air her eyes caught sight of her razor amd she shuddered at the thought of having the sharp blade pressed against her skin, moving it swifly across pebbled flesh on the inside of her thigh, drawing blood and watching it seep through the cut before repeating it once, then twice, then...

As she thought about it she found herself actually doing it and instantly felt a wave of relief and comfort form the, all too, familiar act. But she also felt shame and regret for not having the strength and will to hold back and fight it. Quickly she threw the razor into the bin and began to clean her wounds with cold water to stop the bleeding. It stung like a bitch but that pain was also very much welcomed and she held a cool washcloth over the cuts, pressing down hard so the pain would intensify.

After a few minutes of blissful pain she went back to bed but didn't lie down. She sat on the edge, feeling empty and hollow again even though she had taken care of those feelings, or at least she thought she had. Cutting usually helped! The emotional turmoil always eased up and eventually vanished after slicing her skin repeatedly but this time it felt different, like it wasn't enough, like no matter how many times she mutilated herself it would never be enough.

Frannie let out a loud bark, worried about his owner's strange behaviour and, again, nudged her shoulder with the tip of her nose. "Easy girl, mama is just... just..." sighing, she scratched her dog behind a perked up ear, "just fucked." she sadly stated, curled back into bed but sleep never found her.

During the early hours of the morning a light and troubled slumber caused her to eventually drift off but woke soon after due to a persistent knocking on her front door. Frannie immediately jumped down from the bed and quickly trotted over to the door, looking at it like it would open by itself, and barked.

"Frannie, it's only me, Olivia. It's okay girl." the brunette soothed from behind the wall.

Amanda stumbled to the door, shot a quick glance through the peep hole and cursed under her breath. "Damn!" she pulled her hair back into a messy bun, rubbed her hand vigorously over her face in a desperate attempt to make herself appear less sleepy and drained looking since she was barely awake.

Pulling the door open she was greeted with a hot take away cup of coffee and a stunning looking Olivia, as usual. The brunette's smiling face faded as soon as she took in the sight of her battered looking friend, took a step inside and closed the door behind her to keep the heat in. "Jesus, Amanda! Did you sleep at all last night?" Liv brought her hand up and cupped the blonde's cheek in concern and care and Amanda felt her skin tingle under the feather light touch but, to Olivia's surprise, she didn't pull away from it.

While stroking the dark skin under Amanda's left eye with the pad of her thumb, something caught her attention and her gaze was drawn further south, gasping loudly in horror and shock at what she saw. "Oh, sweetheart! What did you do to yourself?"

Confused as to what her boss was talking about, she lowered her head and followed Olivia's stare until her eyes came to rest on the fresh cuts on her left inner thigh. _Fuck!_ Somehow, in her sleep deprived state she must've forgotten to put a pair of pants on and she was now standing half naked, in her own hallway, in front of her boss with red, raw and ugly looking cuts on her pale and delicate skin. How could she have been so thoughtless, so careless, so incredibly stupid?

She instantly took a couple of steps back in panic and fear. "Um, it's not what... I mean, I... it's... I... I had an accident, tore my skin open. I'm fine, it's nothing." she waved it off as she continued to walk backwards, bumping into one of the kitchen chairs and felt herself lose her balance.

Liv was beside her in less than half a second to stop her from falling all the way down to the floor, hurting herself more in the process. "Whoa, honey, easy!" she mumbled into her ear and placed a firm hand on her lower back, rubbing softly back and forth. "Sit down for a minute, honey." she gently pushed Amanda down onto the seat, shrugged her coat off, coffees completely forgotten. "Where's your first aid kit?" she softly questioned, trying not to stare at the marks covered in dried blood.

"I... um, it's fine, I'm fine. There's no need for that." the blonde stuttered and tried to get up but was stopped by Liv's gentle hand. "It's nothing, sarge. Please, let go of me." she squirmed out of the gentle but firm hold, pushed herself up but creamed out as the pain in her stomach became too much and she keeled over, wrapping her arms around her middle for support and fought the tears.

Olivia crouched down in front of her and gently pulled the crying woman into a warm embrace, taking her chance to offer some comfort when Amanda wasn't capable of fighting her off. "Hey, easy sweetheart." she hushed as her hand ran up and down the blonde's quivering back. "Come on, you're making it worse by curling yourself up like that, honey. Try to sit up straight and take a deep breath."

She helped Amanda by havimg her seated in an upright position, looked her compassionately in the eyes and told her to breath deeply. "I... I can't!" Amanda hissed between painfilled gasps. "Hurts... God, it hurts!" she was shaking all over, beads of sweat had started to form on her forehead and upper lip.

"I know, sweetie, I know. Come on, just one big deep breath and you'll feel better, trust me. I'm right here with you. Come on, honey." her encouraging words must've had some affect and Amanda eventually inhaled a large amount of air, whimpering as she did so, and let it out slowly. "There you go, honey. Easy now, you're alright, it's okay now."

The gasping breaths eased up and she was finally breathing normal again. As her heart calmed its rapid speed, her mind and focus suddenly became magnified and the shame and embarrassment, mixed with anger and fear, bubbled to the surface. Standing up caused her a great deal of pain but, this time, she did her best to ignore it and almost pushed Liv onto the kitchen floor. "I think you should go now, sarge. I want you to leave. Now!"

Her face was heated from the immense shame that she felt. She needed to be alone, she needed space and she needed to cover herself up, cover the nasty gashes and the scars on her body so nobody could see them, not even herself. She ran into her bedroom and closed the door behind her with a loud bang, leaving Olivia baffled, shocked and concerned but, most of all, she was hurting for her friend.

Inside the bedroom, Amanda found herself pacing back and forth in a fast pace even though the pain was close to unbearable. She had pulled on a pair of warm pyjama bottoms to hide her naked legs and marred skin, hoping that her boss would walk away and leave her alone. The time passed and she didn't know how long she had been walking around in the dim lit bedroom but her ribs and lower belly was screaming at her to stop, take a break and rest.

The pain medication was on the kitchen counter. She had to go in there but since she hadn't heard her boss leave, she knew she was still there, waiting for her to come out. Just as she decided to peep her head out, she was met with Olivia's worried face, only inches apart from hers. They stopped and just stared at each other for, what seemed like, an eternity but in reality it was only a fraction of a second.

"I thought you might need these." a glass of water and the small bottle of pain relief was handed to her and, cautiously, she accepted the items.

"I thought I told you to leave." Amanda muttered after knocking back two tablets, praying for them to kick in faster than usual.

"I'm not leaving until I know you're alright." pushing Amanda was the only option she thought would work and actually get something out of her, but she knew it wasn't going to be easy, or pleasant.

"I'm fine, sarge, you can go."

"The hell you are!" Olivia said, a little louder than she intended to but frustration was taking over and it was difficult to hold it back. Amanda brought her head up, since she had been intensely studying her bare feet, feeling embarrassed and exhausted. Liv's raised voice and the firmness of it caused her to snap out of her little buzz and she felt her heart picking up speed, hearing it thumping in her chest.

"Sarge, I..."

"Olivia! My name is Olivia." the brunette cut her off, her tone still loud but managed to calm herself and continued in a much more soft and gentle manner, the voice that Amanda hated. The victim voice. "Please, Amanda." she sighed, cocked her head to one side and gave the blonde a concerned look. "I have no authority here. I'm not your sergeant and you're not my detective, not right now. I'm simply here because I care about you and I'm worried about your health. Right now, I'm just Olivia, your friend."

"What you saw," the smaller woman began, "the cuts on my leg, it's not... I mean, I didn't... I didn't mean to..." her voice failed her as tears welled up her eyes and spilled down her cheeks.

"I know." Liv spoke gently and approached Amanda slowly, purposely invading her personal space. "I know, sweetie."

They stood close together in the middle of the bedroom floor, only inches apart and Liv reached out to brush the drops away and was relieved and grateful when the small blonde didn't pull away from the touch. Her hand lingered on the damp skin, stroking her thumb back and forth over Amanda's protruding cheekbone. "It's okay not to be okay, Amanda. In the ambulance, on our way to the hospital I... I saw..." she paused, "I saw the scars, the marks on your body." Tears sprung to her brown eyes as she took in the beaten appearance of her friend and collegue, feeling so many emotions, all at the same time, invade her senses.

Amanda gasped in horror and shame, took a step back but Olivia stopped her by placing both of her hands on petite shoulders. "It's okay, sweetheart. I'm not here to judge and I'm not here to tell you off. I'm simply here because I want to be, I want to make sure you're okay and I want to help you with whatever it is you're dealing with. You can keep pushing me away all you want but I will only pull you back closer. Please, help me help yourself."

Amanda lost her pride and strength and she desperately tried to hold back a sob but her body betrayed her. She shook from the intense sobs, covered her face with her hands and lost it only to find herself being held together by strong and safe arms that rocked her gently, soothed her pain and fears and kept her demons at bay. Her boss was holding her, soothing her and comforting her and inside Olivia's secure embrace she finally let go, inhaled the familiar scent of her sergeant and cried, knowing that she would definitely regret this later on but, for now, she didn't have the strength to fight it.


	8. Chapter 8

The Murky Depths

Chapter 8

All Amanda wanted was to go back to work, for everything to be the way it use to be, for everything to be normal and for things to go back to the way they were, before all this happened. Nothing was the same, everything had changed and there was no going back. Olivia had seen her break, she had seen her half naked, scars littering her body, fresh cuts on her porcelain skin and her tears that so shamelessly had created wet trails down her cheeks. There was no going back from that, period, and she hated herself for showing such weakness and lack of control, especially in front of her boss.

Olivia was sitting close to her on the couch, their shoulders almost touching. Not a word had been said between the two since Amanda had broken down, except for Liv's soothing words and spoken promises that everything was going to be okay. Her eyes were red and raw, keeping her gaze low to avoid any contact with Olivia's brown and caring ones. She knew that if she looked inside her boss's eyes she would lose it again and, right now, that wasn't an option.

She could feel Olivia's intense stare burning into her flesh, studying her every facial expression, every freckle, every line and every imperfection. It felt unsettling, uncomfortable and unnerving to have someone looking so closely at her.

"Amanda, honey, can you please look at me?" the older woman gently pleaded, feeling the strong need to make sure her friend was alright. The blonde just shook her head without blinking, without barely breathing. "Why not, sweetie? You have nothing to be ashamed about, nothing at all." there was a brief pause. "I'm not going to ask you about it, I'm not going to ask why or how long it's been going on for or how often. It's up to you to tell me whenever you're ready. All I'm asking you is that next time you feel like you have no other option but to hurt yourself, call me. Please, Amanda, I want you to promise me that you will try to get a hold of me before you resort to such drastic measures. I want to help you, honey."

Amanda cringed at the velvety voice coming from the woman beside her. She was incredibly uncomfortable in her own skin and wanted to crawl out of it and never return. She was also torn between wanting to run away from all of this, never look back and continue living like nothing ever happened. Another part of her wanted to be held in Olivia's arms again, to feel her warmth, her care, her concern and her love. To be wrapped up in a tight embrace, to inhale the calm and secure scent of vanilla, sandalwood and that unique intoxicated scent of Olivia.

She could feel her eyes start to well up again and blinked rapidly to ease the burning sensation. "Don't you have to be at work?" she questioned, changing the subject in order to get away from this awkward and uncomfortable situation she was in.

Liv shrugged lightly and smiled gently. "The perks of being the boss is that I can be a little late but don't worry about that. Its my decision to be here and I think I'm needed here more than what I am down at the station right now."

"Im fine. You don't have to babysit me." Amanda said firmly, turning her head in the opposite direction, gazing out the window.

"I know I don't, but it makes me feel better knowing that you're okay." Liv whispered, her heart going out to her best detective.

"I'm okay." Amanda once again chipped in, trying to keep her voice as even and controlled as she possibly could, knowing that Olivia would pick up on anything unusual, anything that stood out or out of the ordinary. Apparently, she didn't do a very good job at it as she thought she did.

"No, you're not, honey. You're not okay." moving closer she prayed that Amanda wouldn't pull away from her touch or run off completely. She gently placed her left hand over two small ones, that rested in the blonde's lap, and rubbed her thumb softly across her knuckles in a soothing manner.

"I don't want to be the reason why you're late for work. You should go." she whispered and swallowed at the thick lump that was quickly forming in her throat.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not until I know that you'll be okay." she softly repeated herself as she gave the small hands a squeeze.

Turning her head, Amanda bore her gaze into glossy brown eyes filled with concern. "And I told you, I'm fine." her voice held an almost venomous tone as she spoke and even Frannie, who was lying in her bed next to the couch, perked her ears up and looked surprisingly at her owner before she relaxed and went back to sleep.

Olivia had to suppress a sigh that threatened to come out. "And I told you, you're not." she studied the teary blue eyes that were fixed on her. "If you're fine then why are you trying your very best not to cry? Please, sweetheart, can you swallow your stubbornness and your pride for one second and tell me what's going on inside your head right now? Please, honey."

"I can't." Amanda replied, her voice more shaky than before.

"Why?" the brunette turned slightly on the sofa, facing the upset woman, looking straight at her with eyes clouded with worry. "Why can't you tell me, honey?"

Not knowing where to focus her gaze on, she just kept staring straight ahead, onto a black tv screen, wishing it was turned on and making noise to distract her from this hell she was currently in. Any noise would do, a distraction, a change in the tense atmosphere, like a foundation or an anchor to relity but it remained black and silent. "I'm... I'm afraid that if I tell you... I will start crying and... and I won't be able to stop. I don't want that, I can't have that."

Olivia could see and feel the small frame shake next to her, in effort to hold her tears in check and it broke her heart a little bit more. "Well," she softly whisperd, draped an arm around tense and trembling shoulders and pulled her close. "maybe you need to lose control. Maybe you have to let go and not being able to stop and that's okay, you know. We all need to cry sometime, it just shows us that we're human."

Frannie suddenly got up and trotted towards her master, placed her head in Amanda's lap and let out a soft whimper, looking at her with sad dark brown, almost black, eyes and nudged her softly on Amanda's knee, sensing her owner's distress. Frannie was very in tune with Amanda's emotions. They had such a strong bond since the blonde had raised her from a puppy up until now, eight years later. The dog could always tell when she was sad, feeling down, angry or depressed and, even before a panic attack could take hold of her owner, she would be by her side in an instant, as if she could smell and sense her anxiety and fears.

Seeing her dogs gentle and sad eyes, the dam burst, the floodgates opened and she threw her arms around her beloved pet, crying into her warm and soft fur, staining it with her tears but Frannie didn't seem to mind one bit.

Olivia couldn't help but to softly smile at the sweet scene playing out before her. She could tell by just looking at these two how close they were and how much they cared for one another. Her arm was still wrapped around Amanda's heaving shoulders and she gently gave them a tug and pulled her upright. "It's okay, Frannie. Mommy is in good hands here, okay. It's my turn now." she softly cooed at the dog, wrapped her other arm underneath the blonde's knees and pulled her into her lap, feeling the body in her arms grow stiff and tense from the sudden movement.

"Shhh, it's okay. I don't mind replacing Frannie. Just hold on to me for awhile instead, just hold on to me, honey. I've got you." Frannie stood by and watched as her new friend comforted her master before slowly walked back to her bed and flopped herself down with a heavy sigh.

Olivia held her previous cargo in her arms, feeling the intense tremors wracking ber body with every sob and tucked the blonde head into her chest, held it there and ran soothing fingers through her hair and down her back, waiting for the worst to be over. About a minute later she could feel Amanda tense up again and how she tried to break free from the hold but Liv knew she wasn't ready, knew she hadn't let herself relax so she gently pulled her back against her body, kissing the top of her head.

"No, no, sweetheart! Stay here for a few more minutes, it's okay. Just let me do this for you, don't push me away." Liv whispered, her lips ghosting the golden tresses and breathed in the scent of Amanda and found it surprisingly fruity and calming, like a balm to her senses.

The younger woman felt her heart race as Liv pulled her even closer. She had dreamed of this, dreamed of being in her boss's arms, breathing her in, feeling her strong body against her own, dreaming of the physical proximity she thought she'd never have but now, when it finally happened, when her dream had finally come true, it wasn't what she expected it to be. It wasn't suppose to happen like this. Things were suppose to be different, this wasn't how she had pictured it to be, not even close.

She wasn't suppose to be this weak, this vulnerable, this crying, shivering and sobbing mess. In her dreams, in her mind, she had imagined herself as strong, independent and kept together but now, thanks to Olivia for pressing on the subject, she was a pathetic whimpering wreck who couldn't keep her emotions in check. No, this was not how she thought things would play out.

Again, she began to struggle, trying to break free from the secure hold, even though her body wanted to stay right where it was. Her brain was screaming at her to put some distance between herself and Liv before her body betrayed her. Yes, she had cried, yes, she had sobbed so hard her petite frame had trembled vigorously as the salty drops had wet her face and, yes, she had shown weakness by doing so. She wasn't use to crying, didn't like the feelings it accompanied, the lack of control, the erratic breathing and the stuffy nose and headache that inevitably came with it. She hated crying.

She broke free and stood up, biting down hard on her lower lip to stop a painfilled moan from escaping. "I'm okay, you coming here was a mistake. You should go, sarge, please I'm fine." she waved her hand in the air, indicating that, what had just happened, wasn't important and didn't matter.

Olivia, confused about the sudden change in her behaviour and mood, slowly made her way towards her friend and stopped only a few inches away. Amanda immediately took a step back which caused Liv to raise her hands in the air in a defenseless manner. "Why don't we sit back down and talk about all this, honey? I don't feel comfortable leaving you on your own in the state you're in."

Amanda snorted and chuckled. "State I'm in! Really? And what state is that, sarge? Weak, pathetic, vulnerable, a fucking mess? I don't need or want your pity. I don't need you to hold me and tell me lies that everything is going to be okay, I don't need you to help me, comfort me, make me a victim just so you can feel better about yourself. No, you don't get to do that!" she pointed her finger at the brunette, her eyes were wild, wide open and brimming with new unshed tears that threatened to fall any second. "I want you to leave."

Olivia didn't want to leave. It didn't feel safe to leave Amanda on her own when she was clearly very upset. She also couldn't ignore the blonde's request for her to leave. This was her home, her apartment and if she wasn't welcomed then she had to respect Amanda's wishes and get out, no matter how she felt about it. Sighing deeply, the older woman silently nodded and headed out the door.

Entering the precinct, Fin could tell right away that something was up. First, his boss was late and she was never late. Second, her face held a sad and troubled expression and her eyes looked dull and tired and third, her whole posture was slumped and her head hung low, avoiding any eye contact as she walked through the bullpen, her attention fully glued to her phone screen.

As Liv closed the door to her office, Fin immediately knocked and stepped inside, his brows knit tightly together in questioning. "You okay, Liv? Wanna talk?" he waited patiently for an answer before the brunette gestured for him to sit down. "Is it Amanda?"

Olivia sighed deeply and leaned back in her chair. "I'm worried about her." she said sadly, "she's... she's on the defensive and I can't get her to talk. She completely shuts down, telling me she's fine and then the next minute she starts crying." she met her senior detective's worried gaze from across her desk. "She cried, Fin." she stated. "She cried. I've never seen Rollins cry, have you? I just don't know how to reach her."

Fin rested his elbows on his knees and let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "I've seen her cry once." Liv raised her eyebrows in surprise. "You already about the gambling so I might as well tell you. Do you remember that day when you walked into Craigen's office and Amanda was inside, looking like she had been crying?" he waited for Olivia to nod. She did remember that day. She had spotted Amanda's red rimmed eyes and knew that something delicate had been discussed inside the room just before she had popped her head in. Nothing had been said about it after and everything had continued on as normal. What had really happened that day? She wondered and waited for Fin to explain.

"Well, the night before, Rollins rang me and asked me to meet her, saying she had something she had to tell me. It turned out that she owed this guy money back in Atlanta and he somehow tracked her down, got physical with her, gave her bruised ribs and smacked her around, threatening her. I gave Amanda the money so she could pay him back. She refused, of course, but after I talked some sense into her she did take it, promising to pay back every single cent and she did."

Olivia shook her head sadly, running her hands over her face a couple of times as if it would help her see more clearly. "Why are you telling me this?" she wanted to know, not understanding why Fin suddenly brought it up.

"It took Amanda almost two years before she talked to me about it. I had no idea she was struggling with gambling addiction or that she was in dept. What I'm trying to say is that Amanda is a very private person with a lot of pride, a bit too much if you ask me. We had been partners for almost two years before she felt that she could trust me. Two years of working so closely together and I didn't see a damn thing. She's good at hiding her feelings and she's a master of convincing people that she's alright and that everything is fine. She's pushing you away because it's the only thing she knows how to do and it has worked for her, until now."

Liv smiled gently towards her long term collegue and friend. "When did you become so smart and such a softie?"

Fin shrugged, keeping his cool appearance intact. "Call it temporary insanity, sarge."


	9. Chapter 9

The Murky Depths

Chapter 9

Time had never passed so slow accordig to Amanda. She was angry, frustrated, in physical and emotional pain and a nervous wreck. Every noise and every movement from the corner of her eye set her off, causing her to flinch and jerk in fear and her mind would travel back to the day in the bank. She didn't sleep well, didn't eat nearly as much as she should and she was constantly on edge.

Frannie had been her shadow for the past couple of days, not leaving her side, sensing that something was wrong. Both Fin and Carisi had called up to see her, helping her out with Frannie, with strong objections from the blonde, convincing them that she was fine and could do it herself. Grocery shopping was another difficult task since she couldn't lift anything heavy. The guys had bought her loads of food and her fridge was fully stocked but nothing they had purchased was ever eaten.

Over two days had gone by since she had thrown Olivia out of her apartment and she felt extremely guilty for doing so. She knew that the brunette was only trying to help but it wasn't that easy for Amanda. She wanted to stand on her own two feet, to be independent and self sufficient, not wanting help or to rely on anybody else. Fin had tried to get her to open up to their boss, telling Amanda how upset Olivia had been that day in the office and how worried and concerned she was for her friend. Amanda, however, wasn't convinced.

"Did Liv tell you to say that to me, to make me feel bad about myself? To make me feel guilty?" she snarled at her partner who was only trying to help.

"Amanda," Fin deeply sighed, approached the couch she was sitting on and took a seat next to her but kept his distance, not wanting to crowd the blonde. "You have to stop this. You can't go through life without trusting anybody, it's not how it should be." he gently argued, taking in his partner's rolling eyes and couldn't help but to smile at the all too familiar gesture.

"So it's up to you now, to tell me how to live my life?" she muttered and gave Frannie, who was sprawled out on the floor, a belly rub with her sock clad feet.

"Yeah, I do and you should listen to and respect the elders." he winked and lightly bumped his shoulder into hers in a playful manner.

"You make it sound like you're antique, Fin. You're only a few years older than me."

"Ha, more like a decade." he chuckled and glanced down at Frannie. "She taking care of you?"

"Always." she muttered, smiling down at her furry companion who had all her paws up in the air, her tongue hanging out on one side, touching the floor.

"You've got her spoilt rotten, Manda. Does she only eat from a silver platter too?" he joked and nudged her gently again.

She was just about to say something smart back to her partner when there was a soft knock on the door. Frannie immediately perked up and let out a gentle bark as Amanda, painfully, made her way to open it. Her heart began to beat faster when she spotted the familiar figure in the dusky lit corridor outside. "Sarge!? Wh... what are you doing here?" she could hear Fin, in the background, getting his stuff together and stuck his head up behind Amanda's shoulder.

"Hi, Liv! I was just leaving. Manda was just about to feed Frannie with a silver spoon anyway, so I thought I'd make myself scarce before she offers me dinner from Frannie's bowl." before Amanda could protest, or say anything for that matter, he had already left.

The blonde watched him disappear down the steps inside the apartment building and whished that he would've stayed. Now, things were going to be awkward and tense. "Are you going to let me in or are you gonna leave me out here in the cold?" Liv softly smiled and held up a grocery bag. "I got some sweets and chocolates."

Wearily, Amanda let her enter, wondering why she was here in the first place and especially with snacks in hand. "The midweek movie is on at nine so I thought we could watch it together."

"Um, eh... sure." she mumbled and nervously began to fidget with the hem of her shirt. Frannie eagerly greeted their guest before she took her place on her bed.

Olivia studied the blonde from the corner of her eye as she placed the purchased items on the coffee table and, to her concern, she looked worse than when she had seen her last. Pale, skinny, tired and drawn looking, almost sickly. "I was going to buy a bottle of wine but I figued that it probably wouldn't mix well with your pain medication so I got some soda instead." when everything was ready, Liv turned towards Amanda, who was still fidgeting, and softly asked. "How are you holding up?"

"Fine." the answer came too quickly and sounded too rushed and dishonest for anyone to believe her. Not even herself. Olivia being here had taken her by surprise and she now felt like a guest in her own apartment, stiff and nervous, tense and weary.

Amanda tentatively filled two bowls with the treats Liv had bought and placed them on the table while the brunette got two glasses out and filled them up with diet coke. "I have no idea what kind of movie is on so I guess it'll be a surprise for both of us."

Amanda shot her a stiff smile and curled up on the couch to the best of her her ability without hurting herself too much in the process. Frannie was asleep, softly snoring, in her bed as the movie started and Olivia groaned reluctantly. "Oh, it's a horror. You still up for it?"

Pink lips slowly curled into a smile as the blonde looked at her boss. "Why? You scared, sarge?" she said in a low and husky tone to make the whole situation even more scary, teasing Liv about it, sensing her slight distress as the eerie and haunting music began to play through the speakers.

Olivia huffed and waved a hand in the air. "Me? No way! I bet you'll be clinging onto me by the end of it, Rollins. You just wait and see." she winked playfully at her young detective and tossed a bit of milk chocolate into her mouth, moaning in delight as the smooth texture coated her tongue.

To Amanda, the sound of her boss moaning in pleasure, was almost too much to handle and she had to bite down on her lower lip to keep herself from letting out a torturous whimper of suppressed desire.

Liv had been right. Growing up she had never liked horror movies, at least the few ones she had seen in her teenage years. Thinking back, she couldn't remember the last time she had seen one but halfway through the movie she realized that it must've been so many years ago that she had forgotten how scary they actually were and how the modern technology, sound effects and make up made everything ten times scarier.

Her ribs and stomach hurt from holding her breath during the scariest parts. She made herself as small as she possibly could on the large sofa so the bad man on the screen, somehow, wouldn't see her and come after her. As the movie played, Amanda had unconsciously scooted closer to Olivia, who didn't seem at all bothered by the terrifying scenes. When it was over, she visibly relaxed and felt her muscles ease some of their tension and she took a deep breath, silently saying a prayer that it had finally come to an end.

The pain was intense and, even though she tried to avoid taking medication for it, she now felt like she had no other choice. She leaned forward, ready to push herself up with her feet but the agonizing pain made it extremely difficult and she groaned pitifully and wrapped her arms around her middle.

Liv was quickly by her side and gently placed a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, hey, easy!" she soothed and with her other hand she ran her fingers through blonde bangs away from her blue eyes. "What do you need? I'll get it for you, just stay where you are and let me help you."

Amanda tried to push her boss's hands away and made another attempt to get up only to have the tall brunette gently push her back down. "Amanda, please, don't be so stubborn. I know you're use to taking care of things yourself because you don't like asking people for help but, please honey, let me help you."

Brown eyes searched blue and saw so many emotions trapped inside Amanda's, almost tortured, stare. Olivia's hand suddenly seemed to have adopted a mind of it's own and placed her whole palm against the blonde's smooth cheek, feeling how the younger detective tensed up but didn't pull away from the touch. "What do you need? Pain killers?" she waited patiently for an answer and received a nod. "Okay, just stay put, honey. I'll be right back." spotting the small bottle on the kitchen counter, she hurried back to her friend who was now in tears from the painful attempt to stand up and she placed two tablets in her hand and watched as she downed them with the remaining soda. "Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain. Is there anything I can do for you right now to make things a bit easier?"

There were so many things swirling around inside her head of what Olivia could do for her. Like hold her close, rubbing her back in soothing circles, giving her verbal reassurances that she was safe and everything was okay, to kiss her lovingly on her lips and tell her she loved her and sooth all her pain away. Was that even an option? Hell no! She wanted all these things, needed them so bad her body ached for her boss's comforting touches but never in her life would she admit to it. Never. She'd rather die first.

Amanda vigorously shook her head, waving her off, telling her she was fine. "Amanda, sweetheart, It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to need it and want it. I'm not going anywhere so get use to it. Tell me what you need, sweetie. What do you need from me?" she sounded desperate in Amanda's ears, wanting to offer help so badly that she almost felt sorry for her.

"I... I'm okay, honestly. I'll be fine when the meds kick in." she hissed between clenched teeth, clutching hard at the arm rest of the couch.

"How long does that usually take?" Liv wanted to know and sat down next to the petite blonde, only a few inches apart.

"Um... about twenty minutes or so. I'll be fine, sarge. I wasn't thinking before standing up. I'm not use to being... crippled so I... I guess I forgot about my injuries and stood up too fast."

Olivia nodded, understanding Amanda's situation even though she was still adamant and determined to help her friend through this somehow. She could see Amanda's knuckles turn white as she grabbed a hold of the side of the couch, her breathing short and rapid, the pain in her ribs making it difficult, almost impossible, to inhale deeply. It was against Liv's nurturing instincts to not help or aid when someone was hurting and she couldn't just sit back and not do anything about it.

She tenderly pryed Amanda's fingers off the arm rest and held her hand between her own warm and soft ones, rubbing her thumb over the bony knuckles that were now slowly returning to their normal colour. "Hey, shh, relax sweetie. You're okay." she whispered, turning her body slightly towards the blonde, still holding onto her clammy hand, squeezing lightly. "Why don't you close your eyes, lean back and just let the meds do their job? Do they make you sleepy?" she gently asked and fought the urge to caress a pale smooth cheek.

Amanda nodded, her face scrunched up in pain as another painfilled spasm tore through her lower belly. Olivia winched in sympathy and, didn't bother to stop herself this time, cupped a now flushed cheek with her palm, wiping away a stray tear with the pad of her thumb that was stubbornly lingering by the corner of her eye. "Just relax, sweetie."

The gentle and comforting touches was something that Amanda never thought would be a reality. She had only dreamt of such close proximity and now, when it was finally happening, all she wanted was to pull away from the burning contact because it was too much, too intense and too unsafe. Her conflicted feelings were so strong that she had no idea that it was even possible to feel this way and it confused her to no end. She wanted this, needed this, so what was the problem? Why couldn't she just be normal and like somebody like a normal person would? Why was everything a struggle, a battle or a heated internal debate about what to do, what to feel, how to feel and what to think?

She wanted to pull away so badly but, as the minutes passed, the meds slowly kicked in, making the blonde really drowsy and found herself being pulled into her boss's caring embrace, too tired and too floppy and limp to protest.

Olivia felt a wave of relief come crashing over her when Amanda didn't seem to mind the physical closeness. Maybe it was just the meds making her unaware of her actions or compromising her usual guarded self but this was a step in the right direction and she couldn't help but to let out a soft sigh, lowered her head and rested her cheek on top of Amanda's blonde tresses.

Olivia popped one eye open. Something had woken her up and she was shocked to find out that she had actually fallen asleep in the first place. The tv had automatically switched to stand by mode and the whole apartment was dark and silent except for the small pitiful whimpers coming from the woman resting in her arms. Frannie was softly nudging her ower with her wet nose, trying to get her to wake up but Amanda seemed to be in a deep slumber. "It's okay, girl." Liv soothed and gently pulled away from the sleeping form and patted the dog lovingly on her head. "Mama is okay, I'll make sure of that."

Frannie seemed to understand, sat down as close to the couch as she could and placed her head on the arm rest, observing her master with great worry. "Amanda? Amanda, honey, you need to wake up." she gasped as she ran her hand along the side of her face, feeling the heat radiating from her pores. "Oh, sweetheart, you're burning up. Come on, wake up for me." she grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her lightly, feeling the material of her shirt was soaking wet from perspiration.

It was obvious that Amanda was trapped in a nightmare. Her whimpers, her painfilled face, her ragged breathing and the tossing and turning of her head only spoke of a bad dream that she was desperate to escape. Olivia shook her harder, calling her name louder this time. "Amanda, I need you to wake up. You're having a nightmare, honey, it's not real."

Amanda flinched from Olivia's touch, even though it was gentle and caring, not rough and brutal like she had experienced in the bank. She woke up, startled to see a dark figure hover above her, and freaked. Curling into herself, she wrapped her arms around her head, as if she was protecting it from oncoming blows, and cried. "No, please! I'll d whatever you want. Please, don't hurt me." she pleaded as tears began to make their way down her flushed cheeks.

"Amanda." Liv spoke low and soft, not wanting to scare her friend any further. "It's me, Olivia, I'm not going to hurt you sweetheart. I would never hurt you. Shhh, you're safe in your own apartment, on your own couch and Frannie is here too. She's worried about you, hun, and frankly so am I."

"Liv?" Amanda's voice was shaky and weak and to Olivia it sounded like a scared child's voice, questioning if it was okay to come out from her hideout.

The older woman felt her own tears roll down her face when she heard her detective call her by her nickname. "Yeah, sweetheart, it's me. It's okay, you're safe now. It was only a bad dream, honey. I'm right here with you." not knowing if Amanda wanted to be touched or not, she kept her distance until she knew that the blonde was fully awake.


	10. Chapter 10

The Murky Depths

Chapter 10

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Amanda clutched her fingers tightly around the cup of tea that Liv had made, still shaky and upset from her dream. She shook her head and tried to take a sip of the steaming brew but her hands were too shaky to even hold the cup straight. Olivia scooted closer and wrapped her own hand around Amanda's to steady her hold while she sipped it carefully. "Was it about the... situation inside the bank?" she softly questioned, thinking it would be easier on the blonde if she asked questions and not have her tell the whole contents of her dream.

The blonde pushed the cup away and curled up into a tight ball even though it was extremely painful. "No... I mean, yes but it... it... it's nothing, really. It's just a dream, right?" she nervously chuckled and looked away, not feeling brave enough to look at her boss.

Olivia sighed softly and placed the cup on the table. "Still, what you went through inside that building, no one should have to go through that. No one." she stated sadly while studying the blonde's facial features, trying to make out what she was thinking and what she was feeling.

"I... it wasn't that bad. I mean, I was a bit scared and they did throw a couple of punches but... I'm fine." was she trying to convince Olivia or herself? She didn't know.

"Amanda," Liv tenderly scolded, "you're everything but fine, sweetie. Those punches were hard enough to knock a fully grown man out."

Blue eyes widened in shock. "How... how do you... when..."

"I saw the footage, Amanda. I saw what he did to you and I know that it must've been very painful. Please, don't lie to me or try to cover up your emotions by convincing yourself, or me for that matter, that you're fine. "

"You... you saw... the whole... thing?" of course she had seen the whole thing. She was a cop herself and knew how situations like these were handled. The surveillance footage was obviously streaming live onto the police monitors, she knew that, she had experienced a good few situations like these herself down in Atlanta and here in New York. Of course Liv had seen the footage!

How could she have been so stupid and not realizing it sooner? She was a cop for god's sake! She knew how the system worked and how they followed procedures in hostage situations. There were always cameras, especially in a bank, and knowing that Olivia, her boss, her sergeant had seen her get beat up made her feel sick to her stomach.

Olivia shifted closer, sensing her friend's distress and wanting to calm her down by taking a icy hand in her own. "I saw," she said softly, barely a whisper. "and I want you to know that you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You did what you had to do to survive and you're here, you're okay and you're safe. That's all that matters, honey."

Amanda wanted to tear her hand away from it's comfortable position, she wanted to scream at her boss, yell at her, to tell her that it wasn't okay, nothing was okay. That she had shown weakness, letting those men touch her like that, look at her like she was a piece of meat, and humiliate her in front of her squad, her boss, her... her friends. She wanted to be left alone and wallow in her own misery, have a couple of drinks, even though she wasn't suppose to, smoke a whole packet of cigarettes out her window and eventually crash and burn on the couch.

The thought that her boss had seen her in such a weak and pathetic state repulsed her but she still couldn't find the energy, the will or the power to pull away from the soft touch. Instead she just sat there, her right hand being held tightly by Olivia while she picked at a loose piece of thread, on the arm rest, that had sprung free from the material. She wanted more of Olivia's touches, needed more but was too scared of ending up too close, on a physical level, that it would be impossible not to act upon her feelings towards her boss. Impossible not to touch her, to caress her and impossible not to kiss her.

Then, Olivia moved even closer, their sides touching, hands still in a firm grasp and the scent of Liv's perfume lingered in the air, traveling up Amanda's nostrils, causing her body to shiver. The brunette noticed the shudder and pulled the small frame into a warm embrace but immediately felt Amanda stiffen and go completely rigid. "Hey, I'm not going to hurt you, sweetie. Relax for me, please. You're making the pain worse by tensing up like that. It's just me, honey."

"I... I didn't want you to see that." she stuttered, fighting the tears from escaping, her voice quivering from pent up emotions that she didn't know how to let go of.

"I know, sweetie, I know." Olivia glanced at the clock on the wall and was shocked to see that it was almost two am. For twenty minutes they sat in silence, Liv caressing the back of Amanda's hand with her thumb and her other arm was wrapped around her shoulders, keeping her friend warm and safe. Not until Amanda stiffled a yawn did Olivia gently break free to look into tired blue and bloodshot eyes. "You want to get into bed? You'll be more comfortble lying on a proper mattress, honey. Come on!"

Carefully she helped the blonde into a standing position and began to guide her to her bedroom. There was a slight chill in the air which caused Amanda to shiver once more and then realized that her shirt and bottoms were damp from sweat. "I... I have to take a shower, I... I can't go to bed like this, I... I'm dirty, I... I have to... wash him off, I... I need to wash him off of me." she was rambling and panicking, pulling herself away from Liv's gentle hold and stormed into the bathroom as fast as her ribs would allow.

Liv was surprised at how fast the blonde disappeared into the bathroom considering her injuries. Now, she was inside Amanda's dim lit bedroom, Frannie already on the bed yawning and she was growing increasingly worried about her young detective and how, and why, she had just stormed off the way she did. When she heard the shower being turned on, she sat down next to the slumbering dog and ran her hand down along her smooth furry back. Immediately Frannie rolled over, her four legs up in the air so Liv could get better access to her belly, closing her deep brown eyes, enjoying every second.

"Oh, you like that, don't you? Does mama give you loads of belly rubs too? I bet she does." she cooed and realized that it sounded like she was talking to a baby or a toddler, not a dog. "Does mama usually take showers in the middle of the night?" she questioned, almost expecting an answer from her four legged friend. "You're not gonna tell me, are you?" Frannie just stretched, sneezed a couple of times and rolled over onto the other side.

She felt awkward and out of place. Should she wait for the blonde to finish, to make sure she was alright, or should she leave a note telling her to call at any time if she needed anything? No, leaving was not an option, she quickly realized that. If something were to happen she would never forgive herself. Amanda had seemed very jumpy and on edge after the nightmare, even before the dream, and Olivia didn't feel comfortable leaving her alone right now, things just didn't feel right.

Amanda leaned forward, resting her palms against the cold wet bathroom tiles letting the steaming hot spray of the showerhead beat down onto her toned back. The water was scalding, which it normally wouldn't be, and the steam had fogged up the glass in the cubicle and the mirror. She could barely see her own hand in front of her but she couldn't care less about the steam or the fact that she couldn't see very far. The almost boiling water made her, usually pale skin, turn red raw but the physical pain was welcomed this time. She scrubbed herself hard up to a point where she nearly broke the thin surface of her skin and she knew that if she kept it up, blood would inevitably seep through.

The dream was still fresh in her mind and all she wanted was for the images, of the man who had hurt her, to go away. Physical pain usually helped to take the edge off but not even the steaming and scalding hot water was enough this time. The feeling of rough hands, the gun pushing hard between her legs and the hard blows hailing forcefully on her torso were still playing out before her and she trembled.

From the corner of her eye she saw a glimpse of something shiny hanging on the wall, only a few inches in front of her. Her razor. Everything in her mind went blank except for the thought of that sharp steel blade pushing against her skin, sliding it across pale flesh and watch the blood drip down onto the floor, mix with the water and swirl down the drain. Before she had finished her thought it was happening and the crimson coloured liquid created a shade of pink as it made contact with the water by her feet and her inner thigh had a thin long open cut. Within a minute she had a second and a third cut just next to the first one and the blood was slowly trickling down her leg, the hot water scalding the open wounds and Amanda clenched her fists and hissed in pain and pleasure.

Half an hour passed and Olivia was still waiting for the blonde to emerge from the bathroom. She contemplated the options she had and decided to wait for another few minutes before taking the matter into her own hands. She rubbed Frannie's belly once again but stopped dead in her tracks when she heard a sharp inhalation behind the closed door and she immediately got up. "Amanda, you okay? You've been in there for over thirty minutes. You must be a prune by now."

There was no answer and the water was still running. "Amanda?" still nothing. Biting her bottom lip in worry, she decided to go in and check on the blonde, to see i she was okay. As soon as she opened the door the steam escaped the confined space and quickly spread across Olivia's concerned features. It took a while for her eyes to adjust to the heavy damp vapor but after a few seconds it eased up and her vision cleared.

The water was running and she could make out Amanda's hunched silhouette through the fogged up glass, noticing how she was bent over, hands resting on her knees. "Amanda?!" there was still no answer. Surely Amanda must've heard her by now? She tried again but ended up with the same results and that's when she decided to just slide the glass door to the cubicle open and find out for herself what was going on.

"Aman..." she froze, her body went cold, her heart stopped for a second and so did her breathing. Leaning against the wall, supporting her upper body weight by resting her hands on shaky knees was Amanda. Brown eyes immediately went to the red and angry looking gashes on her left inner thigh, blood slowly making it's way down the length of her leg all the way down to her feet. She then spotted the razor that was still tightly clutched in a fierce grip in Amanda's hand.

Suddenly all her training and all previous experience she had in situations like these seemed to vanish and, for a moment, she didn't know what to do. This wasn't just any other case with just any other victim. This was Amanda, her subordinate, her coworker, her friend.

When Liv finally heard a soft whimper coming from the blonde, all her senses came back and she sprung into action. She quickly turned off the shower, gasping as the scalding water hit her skin and grabbed a large towel hanging on the towel rack nearby. Touching Amanda now might not be a good idea since she didn't seem to be aware of her surroundings or what was happening. "Amanda, sweetie, I'm gonna wrap the towel around you, okay? Can I do that?"

Amanda was still not responding and the brunette didn't know if she had even noticed her presence or her voice, which scared her immensely. Then, she saw the razor that was being held in a tight grip in the blonde's right hand. She had to get that razor from her before she hurt herself even more. "Hey, honey, can you please give me the razor? I don't want you to hurt yourself any more, sweetheart." the blank stare in Amanda's eyes told her that she was temporarily not present and that she was indeed in shock or some sort of trance. By keeping her voice low and soothing, Liv hoped that Amanda would sense the non- threatening tone and realize that she meant no harm. However, it didn't seem to work.

Instead, Olivia stepped inside fully and very slowly reached for the clutched hand and, by gently prying her fingers open, one by one, she eventually removed the sharp object and swiftly wrapped the big fluffy towel around her shaking frame. Even after all that it still didn't seem to have had any affect on Amanda, who was still more or less in the same position. "Come on, sweetie. Can you walk? I need to look at those cuts, darling."

Considering the late, or some would say early morning, Olivia was wide awake and extremely worried for her friend. Amanda rarely showed emotion in front of other people so seeing her in this condition scared Olivia deeply. When the blonde didn't move she had no other option but to swiftly scoop her up into her arms and carry her to the bed so she could sit her down. "It's okay, my love, I'll fix you right up and then we're gonna have a talk, okay? Just you and me... and Frannie, of course." she smiled gently, trying to lighten the mood to make Amanda feel better, more safe and more in control.

She found a first aid kit underneath the sink in the bathroom and began to tenderly and thoroughly clean out the cuts that were still bleeding but significantly less than a few minutes ago. Some of the blood was already starting to dry and Liv had to use alcoholic swabs to wipe it all away. Amanda didn't make a sound as the wet tissue made contact with her open wounds even though Olivia knew that the stinging sensation must be excruciating.

As she cleaned the cuts she let her eyes wander to other parts of her legs and saw faint scars littering her body. Most were situated on Amanda's inner thighs, where they were mostly hidden and out of view, but there were also quite a few further down her legs but only on the inside. The towel covered her private parts but the brunette could make out a couple of marks on her chest area and a few on the upper parts of her breasts from the corner of her eye. She didn't want to be caught staring, knowing that Amanda would hate that, but she couldn't help but to run her fingers softly over a particularly long and marred line, realizing that it must've been a very deep cut.

She finished up quickly as she noticed that Amanda had began to shiver from the light chill in the air. Suddenly, the blonde somehow, must've pulled herself out of her murky depths and crawled back up to reality, to the present and to Olivia. She looked at Liv with confusion for a minute, as if she was trying to figure out what had happened, where she was and why her boss was in her apartment in the middle of the night, kneeling in front of her while she was naked underneath a towel.

Embarrassed was not the word to describe what she was feeling, not even mortification came close to cover it. She did feel odd, like she had missed something, as if she had lost track of time and how that was even possible. All she could remember was watching a movie with her boss and then things started to get a bit fuzzy. She couldn't remember how she got here, how and why on earth she was sitting naked on her bed, in a towel and having Liv tend to her bleeding leg.

Then she remembered. The movie, the nightmare, the shower and how she got to where she was now. In the midst of it all she must've lost control, causing her mind to travel back to that day in the bank, her previous despicable and evil boss, Patton, in Atlanta and horrid memories from her childhood to resurface. While all this was swirling around and around inside here skull, she must've reached for the razor at some point and let her body do whatever it needed to.

Quickly, she pulled away from Olivia's touch, as if the brunette had hurt her and scurried back, her limbs getting tangled in the bed sheets while trying to get as far away as possible. "Don't," she pleaded, "please, go. You should go. I'm so sorry about this, I... I don't know what happened but... you should go, you have to go." she stuttered and finally got to her feet, attempting to make it into the bathroom so she could close the door and create as much space between her and her boss.

However, Olivia was quicker in her actions and stopped Amanda from passing her out by grabbing her wrist in a firm hold. "No." she said, her tone strong and determined. "We are gonna talk about this and I won't take no for an answer. Sit down."


	11. Chapter 11

The Murky Depths

Chapter 11

 _"I won't take no for an answer. Sit down."_

The last sentence echoed inside Amanda's brain over and over but listening to Liv's voice she heard Patton's instead. His low and raspy rumbled tone rang in her ears and her body began to shake. All she could see, hear and feel was Patton and the three men in the bank laughing, touching, hitting and groping at her like she was a fresh piece of meat to a flock of starving wolves.

 _"You know me by now, Amanda. I won't take no for a answer."_

Patton's voice repeatedly rang in her ears and she slammed her hands over them to stop his husky tone from penetrating her eardrums. "Stop!" she whispered, rocking back and forth, eyes tightly shut as she pleaded with the voice in her head to go away. "Don't say that, don't say that, don't say that, don't..."

"Amanda, honey, it's okay. It's okay, sweetheart."

Liv's soft and comforting tune suddenly pushed the other voices to the side leaving only Olivia's velvety melody in the gloomy lit room and the brunette then knew, that her choice of words were not appropriate right now.

The blonde was frozen to the ground, hands still covering her ears and her face scrunched up in pain and fear. Then, she began to claw at her body, trying desperate to cover her body with the towel, feeling so exposed and ashamed for showing too much skin, thinking she was gonna get into trouble for it. Whimpering, she clutched at the damp material when it suddenly came loose and fell to the ground. She screamed in horror, dropped to the floor on top of the fluffy garment, curled into a foetal position and cried.

Olivia felt her own chest tighten at the sight before her and she couldn't stop her tears from running down her cheeks. Amanda was clearly in pain, both physical and emotional and all Liv wanted to do was to wrap her up in a warm thick blanket, hold her so tight against her own body, offering warmth, love and compassion to her hurting friend. Frannie let out a pitiful bark, whimpered a couple of times before joining Amanda on the floor, scratching her paw softly over her bare arm.

Liv gently shooed her away, pulled the covers off the bed and tenderly draped it across the small quivering form. "Shhh, my love, you're safe here. It's me, Olivia! I'm not going to hurt you, honey. I'm here to help you." she pleaded softly, wanting nothing more than for Amanda to believe her words. "Please, can I touch you? I promise not to hurt you, sweetheart. I want to make sure you're okay. Can I do that?"

Her arms were already outstretched, as if she was waiting for the blonde to suddenly leap into her embrace and just let everything out, but the younger woman didn't move, didn't utter a word.

"Amanda?" she tried again. "Amanda, I'm going to put my hand on your shoulder. If you don't want me to, just say the word, okay?" slowly she reached out, lowered her hand down towards a bony shoulder and let out a sigh of relief as her friend didn't pull away or try to escape due to the contact.

Not caring about what was appropriate or not in this situation, Olivia scooped the trembling blonde into her arms, with great effort, stood up and carried her to the bed. As she sat down she could feel Amanda starting to fuss and fight inside the embrace and Liv loosened up a bit, not wanting to scare her further by holding her too tight. "Shh, it's okay, I'm not hurting you, I'm not forcing you to do anything you don't want to, sweetheart but I'm worried. Can you look at me, honey?"

Amanda was safely tucked inside the warm covers and realized she was sprawled out in Liv's lap, her boss holding her like a baby, rocking from side to side to sooth the storm. She was too embarrassed to look the brunette in the eye and kept her head down, avoiding any contact. "Honey, please, look at me." she pleaded once more but when Amanda didn't seem to comply, she tilted the blonde head up by cupping her face with her free hand. "Hey, sweetheart, open your eyes, it's okay."

The blonde shook in her embrace, so close to breaking point that if she opened her eyes and looked into Olivia's gentle and caring ones, she was afraid she would lose control completely.

Her boss sensed that that was the case and surprised them both by placing a gentle kiss on her forehead and one on her cheek. "It's okay to open your eyes, sweetheart. I just want to make sure you're here with me and not back in that awful place. You don't have to be so strong all the time, Amanda. It's okay to break down and cry once in a while. You're only human, sweetie, and no one is going to blame you for that."

Tears had seeped through Amanda's closed eyes and Liv did her best to catch every single droplet that fell but as the blonde's face crumbled and the floodgates opened she had no chance in wiping them all away. The younger detective let out a painful wail and stopped fighting what was indeed inevitable and cried deeply and violently, hands clutching her stomach and ribs as the heartbreaking sounds filled the room and Olivia's own heart. The strong sergeant adjusted the weight in her arms and somehow she managed to get the blonde to lie down, promising to stay close by through it all. "It's okay, my love. Just let it all go now, it's okay to do so." she whispered as she stroked the flushed face resting on a pillow.

"Do... don't... don't go... don't leave. Please!" Amanda sobbed, trying to catch her breath between each and every one, the pain making it near impossible to take a lung ful of air.

Olivia placed a hand on her heaving chest, trying to help her steady her breathing. "Shh, easy, I'm not going anywhere, honey, but you need to slow down your breathing, you're only making things worse, sweetie. Please, just listen to my voice." Liv urged, smoothing blonde tresses away from a clammy forehead while the palm of her other hand felt every single rapid heartbeat underneath it, thumping, pounding and hammering like a big bass drum.

"Ca... can't... breathe... hurts... oh god, it... hurts." as Amanda laid there, tossing and turning in agony, Liv quickly ran to the kitchen to get some water and the pain meds, hoping the blonde wouldn't notice her absence. When she returned Amanda had managed to kick the covers off and the towel that was wrapped around her body was barely covering her most intimate parts.

"I need you to swallow these, honey. Come on, I know it hurts but the sooner you get the drugs into your system, the sooner you'll be able to control the pain."

With great effort, the sobbing woman downed two small tablets before collapsing onto the pillows bellow, still gasping for air, clutching and clawing at her torso, wheezing. "Can't... breathe... help... me... help!"

Olivia could see the pain, the fear, the desperation and the sheer panic in her blue teary eyes and she felt so helpless, so useless and inadequate. It was obvious to the brunette that her collegue and friend must've had a rough time in the past to make her deal with things the way she did. Cutting was clearly a necessity in Amanda's world and she didn't know how to cope without it. Working with SVU for so many years, Olivia knew that no matter how hard you tried to not let the past catch up with you, it always did in the end. Years of suppressed and ignored emotions had been bottled up, then shaken and the cap had come loose, causing everything to bubble over, spewing everywhere out of control and the cap was nowhere to be found.

Amanda was that bottle. She had lost the cap and she had lost control and everything inside that bottle came gushing out like a tap on full flow. Olivia could see it. She could see it all in the pale blue eyes as the younger woman stared at her with a pleading and desperate look full of dread and hurt. There was nothing else she could do for Amanda right now, except for being there by her side, reassuring her, talking to her, telling her that everything would be okay and this will all eventually pass.

Not knowing what to do, Olivia pulled the covers back up over her body to spare her further embarrassment but Amanda kicked them off again, still struggling with her breathing. "No covers... can't breathe." she rasped out and Liv realized then that Amanda must feel as though the blankets were suffocating her, weighing her down and restricting her air passages.

"Okay, okay, my love! No covers, I promise." Olivia tenderly soothed as she tried not to look at the mutilated body beneath her on the bed. Even with all the scars, marks and cuts, old and fresh, she was still breathtakingly stunning. Her skin was still smooth to the touch, her body was toned, slightly underweight, but still well built and looked after. She knew Amanda was a runner and she sure had the body of one. All her muscles were perfectly defined, sculpt and shaped from all the early morning workouts in the park with Frannie. Her detective had suffered for so long without any help, without anybody by her side, except for her beloved pet, but Olivia was about to change all of that, she was going to be there, every step of the way to make sure that the lost soul lying next to her would get all the help that she needed. She promised herself to make that change, whether Amanda liked it or not. This was a turning point for both of them.

"What can do to make you feel better? Is there anything that I can do to make you more comfortable, honey? Anything at all?" she caught some of the tears as they fell but realized that there was no use considering the steady flow.

Amanda bit her lower lip to stiffle her screams as the pain ripped through her badly bruised abdomen and ribs, almost drawing blood. Liv brushed her thumb gently over her pink lips, making her release the strong bite. "Hey, stop that, you're gonna hurt yourself. We don't want any more trips to the ER, okay?" she smiled down at her collegue and whispered tenderly, "shhh, what can do for you, honey?"

The crying woman shook her head. "I... I'm... fine. I'll be... fine."

"I know that, honey. I know you're gonna be fine but you're not fine right this moment, Amanda. You're not fine, so I'm gonna ask you once again, what can I do for you right now, in this moment, right here and now? Tell me!"

What Amanda wanted and needed was not an option. Growing up, even as a small toddler, she had no memory of being held or comforted by her parents or anyone else for that matter. She had never experienced the feeling of warmth and safety inside someone's arms before and she needed it, she needed it right now, but she was too afraid to give in to the strong urge, too afraid to say the words out loud, too afraid to beg for something she never had or felt. She couldn't say it, couldn't say the words so instead she shut her eyes tightly and turned her head to the side, away from Olivia.

"Honey," Liv's voice broke through her pitiful cries, "when you were little and had hurt yourself, what did you mom or dad do to make you feel better? To make you feel safe?" by getting Amanda to talk she thought she could offer the blonde some reassurance by perhaps doing something that was familiar to her but she only received another head shake.

Liv didn't know that she had just asked something that Amanda didn't have an answer for because she had never received that kind of attention before. She hated what she was feeling right now. So weak and vulnerable, exposed and raw. She just wanted the ground to swallow her whole and disappear and not come back until everything was normal again but she knew that things would never be or feel that way ever again. Things were too messed up, she was too messed up.

Brown eyes searched for blue but Amanda still refused to look at her. Something inside Olivia's head told her that, the blonde young woman before her, had probably never experienced such a thing as a safe haven or a place where she could break down and cry and that made the older detective and sergeant very angry and sad. A child, any child, should have all the love, support and attention there was to give but that didn't seem to be the case when it came to Amanda. She was such a private person, never talked about her childhood, her personal life or her family, never really engaged in activities outside of work, unless she had no choice, and never asked her fellow detectives about their lifes outside of the precinct. Perhaps Amanda didn't want to ask, in fear that the same questions would be thrown back at her and she would have to bring up painful memories or difficult times that she'd rather just forget about.

It was very early in the morning, too early for any of them to not be sleeping but, yet, here they were, wide awake and all senses sharpened and magnified. This was not the way Olivia wanted things to turn out between them and she couldn't help but to feel like she had played a part in all of this by not seeing how hard Amanda had struggled. Maybe if she had seen how troubled she was then perhaps things wouldn't have ended this way or come this far. If she had only paid more attention to her young detective when she was troubled or in a bad place then maybe this wouldn't have happened. Of course, she was being irrational but a part of her still felt guilty for not seeing Amanda going down a destructive path sooner. She should've known.

As her long slender fingers caressed Amanda's flushed and painfilled face, she was relieved to see that the blonde could now breathe a bit easier, her short and rapid breaths were no longer as strained and laboured.

Olivia was still in her clothes and there was no way in hell she was going to leave her friend when she was so upset and hurting. Looking around the room she spotted a big dresser where she assumed Amanda kept her pyjamas in. "Sweetie, I'm gonna find you something to wear, okay. I'll be right back."

Rummaging through the top drawer she found two sets of pyjamas, removed her work pants and pulled a pair of warm cotton bottoms on but decided to sleep in her blouse since the top would be too small for her anyway. She also pulled out a pair of panties for Amanda and approached the bed. "Honey, do you need help getting dressed?"

The pain had eased up slightly but not enough for Amanda to be able to sit up so she had no choice but to try and pull the clothes on while she was lying down. Liv made herself scarce by tending to her needs in the bathroom and when she entered the room again, she could see the blonde struggle with the top, not being able to raise her arms that high to slide them through the sleeves.

"Let me help you with that." Liv carefully helped Amanda to ease the sleeping shirt over her head and, somehow with great effort from them both, they managed to get her arms into it and the brunette gently adjusted it at the bottom, making sure it was on properly and comfortably.

"Th... thanks." Amanda responded weakly, tired from the pain and the effort of just putting her top on. The embarrassment she felt from Liv seeing her practically naked crept over her again and she blushed furiously, relieved that the room was too dark for her boss to notice.

Olivia smiled down at her and couldn't stop her hand from reaching out to caress a soft warm cheek. "It's okay." she whispered tenderly. "Does Frannie usually sleep in the bed with you?"

The teary eyed blonde nodded silently, feeling her bottom lip tremble at the thought of Olivia leaving. She didn't want to be alone. She was scared, tired, weak, emotional and lonely and the thought of being left on her own was not something she was looking forward to. However, Olivia seemed to sense her distress.

"Do you think she would mind an awful lot if I took her place for the night?"

Relief flooded Amanda's senses when she heard Olivia's request of sleeping next to her but she was also afraid to be so physically close to her boss for such a long length of time, even though they would be sleeping. "You'll have to ask her yourself." she finally found her courage to speak and she threw a glance towards Frannie who had, just a little while ago, curled up on the bed just next to her.

Liv walked around the bed, stroked the dog's soft fur soothingly. "Frannie, could I please take your place next to your mommy? I believe I'm a bit too tall to lie in your bed."

The dog perked her head up, looked at her with her dark shiny eyes, blinking a few times before she rose to her feet, walked down to the foot of the bed and heavily plunked herself down with a sigh. It was like she understood what Olivia had said and obediently did as she was told but she was not going to sleep in her own doggy bed

Carefully, the tall brunette slid underneath the covers and left about a foot length of space between them. Amanda layed on her back, staring at the ceiling, eyes getting heavy and almost impossible to keep open. The meds were kicking in.


	12. Chapter 12

The Murky Depths

Chapter 12

 **I've been on a roll for the past couple of days so don't get use to the quick updates ;)**

 **I also want to say thank you for all the nice reviews I have received. It means more than you think.**

The morning came way too quickly for Liv. She was exhausted from spending most of the night awake, watching over her troubled friend while she slept. However, she didn't mind the tiredness itself, if her friend needed her she would do anything to help and she was just glad and relieved that she was there when things fell apart. There had been no more nightmares that night, just a few twitches, tossing and turning on the blonde's side but nothing alarming and she had eventually settled down after Liv's soothing touches and voice, telling her that she was safe.

Olivia was a bit disappointed that they hadn't talked. She had been determined to make Amanda open up last night and tell her something, anything, about how she had ended up in this kind of vicious circle of cutting and shutting everybody out who tried to help her. As soon as the blonde seemed willing to share she would immediately shut down again, trying to convince herself and Liv that she was fine. It was like pulling teeth and Liv was sick of it but at the same time she had to respect Amanda's privacy and not push too hard but, after her breakdown, she couldn't force or make her talk. Amanda was in no stable state of mind to talk about anything, especially not her secrets, thoughts, feelings or her disruptive behavior. It was simply not the right time.

She looked down at the still sleeping blonde and couldn't help but to smile as she spotted the blonde tresses sticking out in various directions, knotted and matted from going to bed with wet hair. Liv had done the same mistake herself, several times, and knew how difficult it was going to be to brush it all out. She ran her hand down a smooth sleep flushed cheek and let her touch linger until blue confused and tired eyes looked straight at her.

"Morning, sleepy head. It's still early so go back to sleep. I have to get to work but I'll pop in on my lunch break and I'll text you throughout the day to see how you're getting on, okay?"

Amanda blinked and became aware of the warm hand resting on the side of her face, penetrating all her senses at once. "I... I'm okay. You don't have to... check up on me. Work comes first."

Olivia gave her a sad smile. "No, honey, you're my priority, you come first and if you want me to stay I will, just say the word."

Shaking her head, Amanda tried to sit up a bit but was stopped by Liv's gentle hand, telling her to stay put. "I don't want to be your priority, sarge. It's okay, go to work, you're the boss you have to be there."

Liv chuckled. "Being the boss I can take a day, Amanda. What's the worse that can happen? The boss firing me?" she winked, grinned and was happy to see a faint smile on her friends sleepy features. "Like it or not, Amanda. You're my priority and if you need me I'm just a phone call away and I'll come straight over."

Amanda was about to argue but when she saw Olivia's concerned and caring gaze, she couldn't get a word out and responded by just a simple nod.

Up until lunch time, Olivia had sent two text messages asking if everything was okay and Amanda replied with short answers saying that she was fine. Knowing that the blonde wasn't a very chatty person in general, she tried not to worry too much about the inexplicable texts she received back. Liv brought lunch over to Amanda's but she did most of the eating herself since the blonde insisted on that she had already eaten earlier on but since there were no dishes in the sink and not one single crumb on the kitchen counter, she knew the younger woman was lying but decided to let it slide for now.

The day had turned out to be longer than expected for Liv and she let out a tired sigh as she climbed the last step on the stairs leading up to Amanda's apartment and knocked on the door. Nothing. No answer. She tried again but came up with the same results. Placing her ear against the wooden surface, she listen but couldn't hear anything except for her own breath and heartbeat. Not even Frannie's bark or claws against the floor from the inside could be heard.

Worriedly, she pulled out her phone from her pocket and was just about the call the woman when she heard the main door open from the bottom of the building and she waited, thinking it could be Amanda. When she heard the jiggling of Frannie's collar she knew for certain and the blonde appeared from around the bend where the staircase ended, looking absolutely exhausted and in so much pain she was close to tears. "Amanda!" Liv chocked out and rushed forward to offer the staggering blonde some support. "What were you thinking? You could've hurt yourself, honey. Why didn't you wait for me or call me?"

They made it inside and Amanda flopped herself down on the couch, hissing in pain and her whole body tense as an iron rod. "My dog, my responsibility. Besides, you don't live here so why was I suppose to wait. I'm fine, just tired." she insisted, looking at her four legged pet who was lapping at the water in her bowl, clenching her thirst.

Liv quickly brought her a glass of water and some pain relievers, wincing in sympathy as she spotted the agonizing expression playing across the tired blonde's features. "Amanda, this has got to stop. I know I don't live here, honey, and I know that Frannie is your responsibility but that doesn't mean that it's wrong or unacceptable to ask for help when, or if, you need it. I wish you could see that and I wish that you weren't so damn stubborn all the time and shutting people out."

Amanda downed the pills in one big gulp and began to feel her insides boiling from anger. She almost slammed the glass back down onto the table, causing both Olivia and Frannie to flinch. "I never asked for your help so I don't know what you're doing here or why. I shut people out because it's the only way I know how to deal. I didn't have loving or caring parents, didn't have family or friends. I'm fine on my own, sarge, and I'm sorry about last night, that won't happen again, I was totally out of line and it was very unprofessional of me." she took a breath, slowly calming herself down. "I think it would be better if you leave now, sarge."

Truth to be told, Olivia's temper was running out and she didn't know any other way to make Amanda trust her. While the smaller woman was seated on the couch, Olivia started to pace back and forth in the living room area, almost making the blonde dizzy. "Amanda, when are you going to realize that there are people who care about you and cares what happens to you and I'm one of those people. I am so sorry that your parents weren't there for you, you didn't deserve that, no child does, but you have us now, Amanda, you have us and you have me and I'm, we, are not going anywhere. You're not alone anymore, honey. You don't have to deal with this on your own. Please, I'm begging you, please let me help you."

There was a silence so strong it began to ring in Amanda's ears. Looking at her superior she could see tears in her deep brown eyes and, somehow, it tugged at her heart to see her boss upset. "Im sorry." she mumbled, too insecure and ashamed to establish any kind of visual contact.

Liv took a deep breath to calm herself, slowly approached the seated blonde and sat down close to her, legs touching. The brunette began to speak with a soft and loving voice. "I've been doing this job for a long time, Amanda, and I'm not saying that in a patronizing way. I've seen all kinds of trauma, erratic behaviors and different ways people deal and cope with whatever they have gone through. Nothing shocks me. Nothing. I've practically seen it all and what you're going through breaks my heart." her bottom lip trembled as a lone tear rolled down her tanned cheek. "It breaks my heart that you feel like you can't trust people, trust me. I care about you, honey, more than you think and I'm not gonna stand by and watch you destroy yourself. You deserve better than that."

Amanda finally gathered enough courage to meet Olivia's stare just as another tear travelled down the same path as the previous one. She felt horrible for making her boss cry and shakily lifte her hand up to wipe the tear away. "I'm sorry I made you cry. I didn't mean to."

Liv just smiled and leaned into the touch, cupping Amanda's face between her palms. "You didn't make me cry, sweetheart. I'm crying because I have this need, this strong pull, to help you and you won't let me. I know it's hard for you to open up and talk about your feelings and thoughts. From your very first week at SVU I could tell that you were, and still are, a private person and I respect that, I really do. But it eventually comes to a point when eveything just breaks apart and chaos erupts and I think we're at that point. You need to talk, Amanda. If not to me, then someone else, someone that you trust. Maybe Fin or Carisi or even a proffesional but you also have me. You can always, and I mean always, talk to me about anything."

Their faces were so close they could feel each other's breaths spread over their faces, eyes locked together, lips only inches apart. Suddenly something occurred to Olivia, an epiphany, so strong it made her chest ache with love and care for this woman sitting in front of her. She loved Amanda. She felt deeply for her, her beauty was undeniable, her role as a detective was immaculate, even though she had made some bad decisions throughout the years but her strength and dedication for her job was extremely admirable, even attractively so.

"I'm gay." Amanda suddenly stated, out of the blue.

Liv raised her eyebrows and couldn't stop a slight grin from spreading across her lips. "Okay." she said softly, her hands were still wrapped tenderly around her face, thumbs stroking lightly over delicate skin. "Is that what this is all about? Did you think we were gonna think differently about you for being gay?" she was confused. She didn't understand why being gay had to do with what Amanda had gone through inside the bank and with what her privious superior officer, Patton, had made her endorse down in Atlanta. It made no sense.

"No..." she quickly replied. "Yes... I don't know. I... I don't know why I just said that, I'm sorry, I'm... I'm not thinking clearly." she was confused herself and in shock about what she had just said. "I guess I'm just... not myself... I... I..."

"It's okay." Liv gently interrupted. "Do you know what I think? I think you're more yourself right now, in this moment, then what you have been for the past couple of years. What do you think?" she smiled gently at her friend, trying to encourage and relax her.

Amanda shrugged and swallowed nervously. "Maybe." she stated softly, her voice only a whisper.

Olivia dropped her hands but immediately missed the contact and the physical proximity. "Why didn't you tell anyone of us, honey? Are you ashamed of being gay?" Liv took a gentle hold of Amanda's hands that were resting nervously in her lap.

The blonde shrugged again and looked down at their joined hands, feeling the warmth and softness coming from the sergeant's skin. "I... I know that it's no big deal to be... to be... gay. I mean, we often get cases that involves gay people, it's just... I suppose it's different when it comes to yourself."

There was suddenly a lost little girl sitting in front of Olivia. A little girl who never had the chance to be herself, to be the person she wanted to be and never had the opportunity to trust or be trusted. Ducking her head to establish eye contact, Liv asked softly. "Your parents didn't support you being gay, did they?" she received a head shake and a faint sniffle, knowing Amanda was close to tears. "What about before you came out? Were they supportive in general?" there was another shake and Liv heard her sniffle once more, stronger this time and her body began to tremble from fighting the sobs that she desperately tried to hold back. "And that's why you started to hurt yourself?" the last sentence was more of a statement than a question.

Bobbing her head up and down the tears finally escaped and there was no going back. A deep and hurtful wail, that sounded more like a wounded animal, tore through the quiet apartment, feeling a strong need to have Olivia's secure arms around her, showering her with care and reassurance.

Olivia sat back in the big couch, making herself comfortable before opening her arms to Amanda as a gesture of comfort and care. "Come here, honey."

The blonde looked at the older woman, her vision blurry and cloudy from the burning tears. Her chest tightened as she saw the loving exprssion on Olivia's face, her brown orbs shimmering from unshed tears and her whole being seemed to radiate compassion, warmt and immense love and Amanda found herself being pulled in her direction, as if she was gravitating towards the stunning brunette. She wanted to be held, needed to be held, soothed and comforted and Olivia was offering all that. She would be a fool not to crawl into the widespread arms and inhale everything about this incredible woman.

Liv could sense her hesitation and fear of being so physically close to someone, anyone, but she didn't rush, didn't push and didn't force. "It's okay, honey, I promise. Just let me hold you for awhile and we'll see how it goes, okay? You can pull away any time you want. Anytime. Just let me do this for you."

Slowly, Amanda inched closer, feeling a strong arm being softly placed around her shoulder as another hand guided her blonde head onto her chest. "Just relax. It's okay." she gently spoke into the fair tresses. "Everything is okay."

The strong and steady thumping of Olivia's heart had an unusually calming effect on the blonde and she relaxed slightly into the embrace. Her guard was still up, unable to lay her armour down and surrender to something she wasn't sure of but, as the seconds turned to a minute, her body slowly sank into the protective cocoon that Olivia so willingly offered. Silence crept upon them as the darkness fell over the buzzing city full of life and all Olivia could do was to feel grateful and so honoured and so proud over her friend for trying to overcome her fears and hurdles.

"You parents never did this? They never made you feel safe and protected?" the older woman asked after a couple of minutes, hoping that Amanda was not too spooked about their close proximity. There was no verbal response, just a weak shake of the blonde head that was resting underneath her chin and her chest clenched tightly at the thought of Amanda, as a little girl, crying from fear or pain and no one there to console or comfort her.

"I'm so sorry that they didn't care enough, Amanda. I'm so so sorry, but I'm here, you've got me and the squad and every time you feel like you need this," she waved a hand in the air between them, pointing at herself then Amanda, "just let me know. There is no shame in needing a hug now and then, it gives us strength and courage, a place where we can relax and recharge our battery before facing the world again."

It made sense. Everything that Olivia had just said made sense but it was still difficult for the petite blonde to comply and just lose all her defenses like it was no big deal. Her heart was racing, even though she knew Olivia would never hurt her or break her trust but the thought of telling the brunette about the cutting, coming out and the way her parents had disowned her and kicked her out, made her feel unsettled and slightly nauseated.

"You doing okay, honey?" Liv lowered her head so she had visual of Amanda's sleepy features and placed her palm in the middle of her chest, wincing in sympathy as she felt the erratic beats beneath the surface. "Oh, your heart is pounding, sweetheart." she murmured and began to rub her back in a soothing motion. "It's just you and me here... and Frannie, of course. No one is going to hurt you, you're safe. Do you understand, sweetie? You are safe. You're safe, loved and protected."

"How... how can you... say you lo... love me after everything I've done. All the... the mistakes I've made, all the..."

"Shh, sweetheart, don't think about that. That is all in the past, forgiven and forgotten on my part and I hope you can forgive yourself, Amanda, that is the most important thing of all. You have to forgive yourself before you can move on and begin to heal. Can you say it with me? 'I forgive myself because I deserve to be happy.' Come on, you can do it."

Amanda shook her head and let out an involuntary whimper but Olivia pulled her closer and gave the golden tresses a tender kiss. "Yes, you can, sweetie, yes you can. Come on, we'll say it together. 'I forgive myself because I deserve to be happy.' I know you can do this, Amanda. I believe in you."

The blonde swallowed at the big lump forming in her throat, uncertain if her voice would hold. Eventually she opened her mouth, took a deep breath and, as she closed her eyes, she stuttered out, word by word, exactly what Olivia had told her to say and together they found strength in each other and repeated the sentence in unison. "I forgive myself because I deserve to be happy."

Amanda broke into tears after that. Clinging to Olivia like her life depended on it, scared, hurt but also somewhat relieved after saying something so powerful out loud to herself. She was glad the meds had kicked in because crying made the pain almost unbearable.

In Olivia's arms she felt safe. Safe and cared for, like she mattered.


	13. Chapter 13

The Murky Depths

Chapter 13

Liv decided to stay the night again. After her lunch break, earlier in the day, she had picked up a few things from her place just in case she would need them and it looked like she had been right. Amanda had cried herself to sleep, the heartbreaking sobs, the desperate gasps for air and the pitiful sniffles that followed before she had eventually slipped into an exhausted but light slumber. For a whole hour, Liv held her close, whispering words of comfort and reassurance every time the blonde flinched or moaned in her sleep.

As she listened to the soft snores she leaned forward, letting her nose caress the smooth hair and inhaled the scent of fruit and flowers, a smile slowly spreading across her lips as a particular strong snore escapes Amanda's throat. Frannie perked her head up at the sudden noise, looking at Liv as if she was asking what had disturbed her beauty sleep.

The tall brunette stiffled a yawn and looked at the time. It was only ten pm but she was unusually tired from the strenuous day at the precinct and wouldn't mind making it an early night and turn in. She gently brushed at the golden hair that had fallen onto Amanda's face and whispered in a nearby ear. "Honey? Sweetheart, it's time to wake up and head to bed. Come on, I'll help you."

Groaning, the young blonde opened her eyes and the thought of leaving Olivia's warm and safe embrace made her feel anxious and sick to her stomach. "Mmm, too sleepy." she murmured but carefully sat up anyway, the warmth from Olivia's body made it so difficult to separate herself from her but knew that this couldn't last forever.

It suddenly occurred to Amanda that Liv would soon be leaving. She had her own apartment to go home to, her own life, her own bed and her own things to take care of. Shakily, she stood up, the pain was there but it was tolerable but she was quite unsteady on her feet and felt relieved when Olivia's firm hand offered her support. "Thanks," Amanda said, feeling slightly ashamed over her breakdown, "um, I know you're tired and you need your sleep so um..., thanks for coming over."

Raising her eyebrows in confusion, Liv placed a hand on Amanda's lower arm and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "I wasn't planning on leaving. I brought an overnight bag just in case and, before you get mad, I just want to tell you that I'm not trying to babysit you or patronize you, I'm simply worried about you, honey and I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone. Please, humor me."

To be honest, Amanda was extremely relieved by Olivia's announcement but didn't want to let it show so instead of getting angry and eat the head off her boss, like she normally would, she simply nodded and let her gaze travel down to where Olivia's hand was resting on her arm. "Okay, um... thank you." she mumbled. "Um, if you want I can take the couch and you..."

The brunette cut her off. "No way, missy! Not with your bad ribs and stomach. I'll take the couch and that's the end of it."

Inside her bedroom, Amanda was suddenly wide awake. Her mind was racing, hearth beating madly and she began to sweat and fight for air every time she heard a noise. She knew Liv was in the living room and was probably making noise as she tossed and turned on the sofa but still her senses didn't seem to relax and try to convince her that there was a logical explanation for them. The cars and people out on the streets bellow made it even harder for her to relax, the honking, screetching tyres, screaming and shouting made her flinch from fear and her body began to shake.

She laid on her back, eyes flickering in every direction of the room, every corner, every nook and cranny and every shadow that danced across the walls. She had never been so afraid in her own home before, never been so jumpy and on edge and all she wanted, all she needed, was to feel the way she had felt inside her sergeant's arms a little while ago. She needed Olivia but she would never willingly admit to her boss that she craved her proximity, craved her safe embrace and her intoxicating smell, warmth and care. She would never do that, that would make her give in to weakness and admit defeat, crawl on her bare knees, sobbing and begging Liv to hold her, to make her feel safe again and to talk her down from the terror that was creating chaos inside her head.

She began to cry, silently at first but the sheer panic and horror of being alone right now caused the faint sniffles to escalate and eventually turn into full blown sobs. Burrowing her face into her pillow, she desperately tried to stop the cries from travelling all the way into where Olivia was sleeping but it became too hard to breathe and she had no other choice but to remove herself and try to just ride it out while attempting to calm down.

Olivia had fallen asleep almost instantly. The long day at the preinct had tired her out and her eyes simply refused to remain open. She stirred underneath the blankets, not sure what had caused her to awaken in the first place. Groggily, she let her gaze swipe across the dark room, trying to locate the source of whatever had interrupted her slumber. There was nohing inside the room to indicate that anything was out of the ordinary until she heard a faint noise coming from down the corridor where Amanda's bedroom was and she was instantly on her feet. Out of instinct she checked the clock on the wall and realized that she had only been asleep for about an hour. As fast as her legs could carry her, inside the unfamiliar dark apartment, she rushed into the bedroom and spotted Amanda's curled up form under the covers, shaking from the powerful sobs and cries that came in a steady flow. "Amanda?" she softly called out and took a few tentative steps towards the bed. "Amanda, honey? You okay?"

The blonde went completely still, not even a breath escaped, afraid that she would have another breakdown in front of her boss. One breakdown was enough for one day, she thought and forced herself not to cry. "I'm okay." she choked out, sqeezing her eyes shut, hoping that Liv would leave it alone and go back to sleep. That's when she felt the bed dip right next to her and the addictive aroma of Olivia assaulted her nostrils and she instantly craved for more.

"No, you're not, honey. How long have you been lying here, crying?" she began to rub her hand up and down Amanda's arm, determined to sooth and comfort her in any way she could. There was no answer coming from the upset blonde. All Olivia could see, hear and feel was how tense and rigid she was, her body trembling from the effort from holding the tears at bay. "Shhh, it's okay, my love. You're safe here with me." she whispered and brushed flaxen strands away from her tear stained face. "Scoot over." Olivia softly demanded and crawled in under the covers as Amanda shifted slightly, leaving enough room for the older woman to climb in and get comfortable.

"Is this okay?" she asked after a minute or two, needing to know if she made Amanda feel awkward or uneasy by being in the same bed.

"Y... yes." came the shaky reply, the dam still threatening to break any second.

They weren't touching. Their bodies were a few inches apart from each other but Amanda could still feel the heat coming from her sergeant and smell the intoxicating scent of vanilla, sandalwood and a mix of various spices that Amanda couldn't identify. Maybe spices were the wrong word. Maybe it was something else, something that reminded her of spices. It didn't matter because as soon as the familiar scent travelled up her nostrils and nasal cavity, the tears finally let loose and there was no going back.

The small frame shook violently as she tried to regain control of her sudden panic ridden state but it seemed like there was no use. The intensive cries and sobs shattered Olivia's heart and she could no longer just lie there and do nothing. Carefully she slipped an arm underneath Amanda's neck and the other around her middle, mindful about her injuries, and turned her towards herself, guiding her head to rest in the crook of her neck, feeling the salty drops wet her skin and shirt. "Shh, baby." the intimate pet name slipped before she could stop it but she figured that Amanda was too upset to even notice anyway.

"I'm right here. You're okay, honey, everything is okay. You're safe, you're warm, you're protected and I'll be right here by your side the entire time. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, sweetheart. I'll keep you safe, just close your eyes and try to sleep. You must be so tired, honey." she spoke firmly but soothingly, her own eyes stinging from exhaustion and brimming tears.

"I'm so... I'm sorry for... waking you up, I... I didn't mean to, I..."

"Hey, stop that, you have nothing to apologize for, honey." bringing her hand down she gently wiped each tear away as the fell from Amanda's bloodshot eyes. "How long have you been awake?"

Amanda cried silently into Olivia's soulder, ashamed of her second breakdown of the day. "I... I never went to sleep. I can't sleep... I can't close my eyes. Everytime I do I see them, see him, feeling him... touching me... hitting me... I can't... I just can't..."

"Okay, okay, easy honey." Liv hushed, leaned down and peppered small and gentle kisses on her forehead, not thinking too much about it, as if it was the most natural thing to do.

Stunned, but also pleasantly surprised by Liv's action, she moved her head up slightly until her eyes were at the same level as Olivia's lips and she felt a deep and strong urge, almost a burning desire, to kiss the woman. She didn't get a chance, however, before the delicious looking lips she had been staring at, were firmly pressed against her own and immediately her body began to tingle, her head spinning and her limbs turned to jelly as she felt the lips move slightly, tasting, exploring and comforting.

Her breath hitched as she felt Olivia's tongue caress her lower lip, asking, bleading for access and Amanda complied. As their tongues met for the first time Liv moaned and pulled the blonde closer, bringing her hand up to cup the younger woman's cheek, stroking the flushed but soft skin.

To Amanda it was everything she had ever dreamed of. She had fantasized about kissing ber boss on numerous occasions but never thought she'd be so lucky to actually experience it in real life. The real thing didn't do her dreams any justice. The brunette's mouth was so soft and plump and she could detect a slight taste of toothpaste and sweetness as they continued to kiss each other inside Amanda's dark bedroom. Eventually the blonde pulled away as if she had been caught doing something bad and was about to be punished for it.

"I... Im sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that... I... I..." she tried to pull away from the firm but tender embrace but found herself being tugged back and completely wrapped up around Olivia's body, feeling the heat and calm coming from the woman slowly seep into her own and she stopped struggling.

"Shh, honey. You didn't do anything wrong. Come back here. I kissed you and... and I don't regret it." again she kissed the forehead just bellow her chin. "I've come to realize that we are so much alike Amanda. Looking back I wish I could've done things differently, treated you differently, be more open to your ideas, listen to you and offer you a shoulder to cry on when I sensed that you were struggling at times. I wish I would've been there for you." she stated calmly with a hint of sadness. "In hindsight, I've come to understand why I acted that way around you and why I was so hard on you."

She paused briefly, taking a deep breath and once again kissed the smooth skin of the woman lying in her arms. "You actually reminded me so much of myself and it scared me." she chuckled lightly. "Don't ask me why because I have no idea but... it did scare me. You came in to the squad fresh faced, new ideas, new ways of thinking and new ways of looking at things differently, with a fresh set of eyes. I respected you and, thinking back I know now, that I was jealous. I was jealous of you for being so good at your job, so hands on with your new approaches and I pushed you away because of that. I didn't realize I was actually doing it until just a little while back. Fin kind of hinted that you had some sort of feelings towards me but I didn't think twice about it becase I just assumed that he meant admiration, kind of like a student/ teacher crush but I soon realized that I felt the same way about you. The only thing I'm sorry about is that it took me so long to finally realize it. I like you, Amanda, and I'm really truly sorry for treating you the way I did."

Listening to Olivia's confession made her whole body turn rigid with shock and surprise. She had not seen this coming. Was this actually happening? Had Olivia just kissed her? Told her that she liked her? That she was jealous of her? Never in her wildest dreams or imagination could she have predicted this. Her heart was pounding so fast and so loud she thought it was going to jump right out of her chest. Why now? Why had her boss decided that now was a good time to confess her feeling, her regrets and her thoughts? It was bad timing, she had enough going on and didn't need anything else added to her plate, but she still couldn't help but to feel relieved and somewhat at peace.

She knew Olivia was on her side, very close to her side if the truth were to be told, and she also knew that she wouldn't be able to go through all this alone or without her help. She needed Olivia to help her heal, to help her learn how to trust and she needed her presence more than anything. She always had a sense of calm and a positive light around her and Amanda had always been drawn to that light, to that peace and calmness that only Olivia could provide. She needed this. Needed her.

She began to cry from the relief and felt some of the tension and stress leave her body as the tears found their way down her cheeks and onto Liv's collarbone. The brunette lifted her head and peered down at the younger woman and her heart broke as she heard the strangled sobs. "Oh, sweetheart! My sweet sweet girl. I'm so sorry for everything and I wish I could make things better for you." she loosened her grip around the shaking form, scooted down a bit, so she was in eye level with the upset blonde, and brushed the fair locks away from her heated forehead. "Shh, why are you crying, baby? Can you tell me?" she gently urged as she continued to stroke Amanda's face with gentle fingers. "Tell me, sweetheart."

Amanda struggled to get the words out as sob after sob ripped through her chest in agonizing wails. "I... I... I'm sorry, I... I... I'm sor... sorry, I..."

"Easy, honey, take your time." she whispered as she watched the petite woman in her arms fight for control. "You have nothing to be sorry for so stop apologizing right now, sweetie."

Amanda opened her eyes that had previously been shut so tightly she had started to see colours sway across her retina. Looking into Olivia's brown eyes filled with so much concern and care for her made it even harder to say what she wanted to say because she didn't feel worthy of her friendship any longer, she didn't feel like she deserved someone like Olivia in her life, someone so kind hearted, understanding and so perfectly perfect in every single way shape and form.

The immensely strong feeling and pull she had towards her boss won over everything else and she desperately clung to the brunette's upper body, grasping at anything she could get a hold of and looked her dead in the eye. "I... I... I nee... need... you. I nee... d... you."

Liv found herself crying along with the blonde, their tears flowing together. None of them thought it would come to this. They were both just as shocked but yet relieved that it had ended this way and Olivia felt nothing but deep care, devotion and concern for the blonde. She was determined to help her in any way she could and as Liv did her best to console, Amanda eventually calmed down enough to get her breathing under control.

"That's it, sweetie, easy. You've got me, I'm not leaving." she whispered soothingly. "Oh, honey, you must be in pain after being so upset but I can't give you anything just yet, not until after a couple of hours, I'm sorry, sweetie. Im here and I'm not leaving and I won't let anything bad happen to you, I promise. Just close your eyes and go to sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up."


	14. Chapter 14

The Murky Depths

Chapter 14

Even though Olivia was exhausted she still couldn't find the need or will to sleep, not after Amanda's emotional break. She stayed awake listening for any changes in the sleeping woman's breathing, her body language and her sleep filled mumbles that escaped from her lips now and then. She couldn't find the strength to tear her eyes off of her, afraid that if she did, she would somehow lose her.

Her mind was buzzing. Everything had changed. Everything, within the matter of a few seconds, had changed. That kiss had changed everything and everything had changed because of the kiss. One single kiss. She didn't regret it but she knew that there would be consequences and hiccups along the road considering the fact that they worked together and Olivia was indeed Amanda's boss and superior. Things would change around the precinct, that was for sure. Things would change alot.

It was not until the early morning hours that Olivia eventually fell asleep, still holding onto the woman she had grown to cherish and care for and when her alarm rang out, on it's loudest volume, Liv groaned and turned to her side. She spread her arms across the bed and was slightly puzzled when she realized that she was alone. Not even Frannie was lying at the foot of the bed, snoring softly like she use to and for a split second, Olivia thinks that everything that had happened within the last ten hours was only a dream and that she was lying in her own bed, in her own home. But the bedsheets were not hers, nor was the lamp in the ceiling or the decor inside the dark lit room or the soft lingering smell of Amanda's fruity scent. Where was she?

Laying absolutely still, she listen for any noise that would indicate that Amanda was still inside the apartment but there was nothing but a buzzing silence ringing in her ears. She flung the covers off her body, got up and entered the kitchen and living room area but the place was dark and the blonde or the dog was nowhere to be seen. "Amanda?" no answer. "Amanda, you in here?" still nothing but her own echo.

Phone in hand, she dialed her number and, as the signals came through, she heard the ringing of her friend's phone coming from the bedroom. Running back inside she spotted the lit up screen on the bedside locker, notifying a missed call. "Damn." she muttered and ran her fingers through her slightly disheveled hair, trying to figure out what to do next. Amanda wasn't that kind of person who would just leave without her phone and that worried Liv.

She rang Fin. He was her partner, maybe he knew where she was or where she might have gone. "She probably just took Frannie for a walk." he said calmly and Liv could hear he was sipping a cup of coffee, getting ready for the day.

"And leave her phone behind?"

"Maybe she forgot to bring it with her. We all forget things now and then, Liv. Don't get all worked up just yet. She might walk through that door in a couple of minutes time."

"No." Liv stated firmly. "Something is not right. We fell asleep and I woke up alone in the bed. I didn't even hear her get up."

Fin could hear how worried his boss was but the statement she had just made completely knocked him off his feet. "You slept with Rollins?"

Liv sighed and rubbed her hand over her sleepy features, trying to clear her head from any horrid thoughts or images of what might have happened to Amanda. "Yes!" she said firmly before changing her mind. "No! I mean, yes but not sleeping as in _sleeping_ together. We just slept."

"Um, yeah... you just said that." Fin commented, confused and slightly amused at the same time. "Did you sleep okay?" he snickered.

"Fin, I'm serious! Something doesn't feel right. She wouldn't just take off and leave her phone behind. Something must've happened." her voice was shaky and uneven which caused Fin to change his approach.

"Look, give her another hour. If she's not back by then, then call me. I'm sure everything is fine, you know Amanda and how private she is. She probably took Frannie out and simply forgot to bring her phone with her. She has got a lot on her mind right now." he suggested, doing the best he could to calm his boss down.

Olivia let out a deep sigh, heavy with worry and dread. "Okay, one hour but that's it." she hung up and began to pace the living room, her hands frantically rubbing against each other in an attempt to keep busy and to keep her mind off of things. She then decided to get dressed, just in case she had to run out the door if any news came up but began to pace once again after pulling on some of the clothes she had packed for herself.

To Olivia, it would be the longest hour in the history of mankind but after about twenty minutes she heard a noise coming from the front door. "Amanda, is that you?" quickly she flung the door open and was confused to see only Frannie standing there, panting and whining, her tail down and not wagging playfully as it use to. "Frannie! Where's your mama? Where's Amanda, sweet girl?" she fell to her knees and rubbed the crying dog's head. "Where's your mama?" she repeated, looking down the corridor on both sides, hoping to see the blonde haired detective nearby but no such luck.

Frannie began to bark suddenly, causing Olivia to flinch back in surprise but there was something about Frannie's behaviour that didn't seem right. She was not an expert on dogs and she had only met Frannie a few times but it wasn't rocket science to figure out that something was up. "What's the matter? What has gotten you so upset Frannie May?" the dog barked once again and began to trott down the gloomy corridor, stopping only to see if Olivia was following or not. "Hold up, girl. I need my jacket."

It was still dark outside with a sharp chill in the air and Liv pulled the zip on her coat all the way up to her chin and fished around in her pocket for a pair of gloves she usually kept in there for unusually cold days. Frannie had disappeared and Liv looked frantically around her to see if she could spot anything out of the ordinary but things seemed okay and in its place. Then, she heard a sharp bark, coming from her left, that made her heart jump and she instantly began to run in the direction of the dog.

It was hard keeping up with someone who had four legs instead of two and after running like a mad person for several minutes, she began to wonder if she should stop and just go back to the apartment and wait for Amanda to show up, thinking she must be crazy for chasing a dog down the street in the early hours of the morning. Her instincts, however, told her to keep going and, as the time passed, she got more and more anxious and uneasy. A feeling of dread crept upon her as Frannie ran down a dark path in a secluded area of a park, and disappeared. "Great." she muttered and slowed down her speed to unholster her gun that was resting on her right hip.

"Frannie?!" sha called out in a friendly high pitched voice. "Come here, girl." slowly, with all her senses on full alert, she carefully made her way down the dark path, almost hidden in the murky outline of the park, hidden by tall trees, bushes and other wild growing plants, her heart beating so fast and hard she could hear it pounding in her ears and head.

During the time she had been running, chasing Frannie, the sun had begun to peek in the east, giving the city a faint shade of orange and pink. Altough it was still too dark for Olivia to see where she was going, where she was placing her feet and where she was headed. "Frannie?!" she called again, her tone slightly shaky but still firm, not wanting the dog to sense her fears. A loud but yet soft and gentle bark rang out, coming from her right side down the path and she picked up speed, anxious to get to Frannie as soon as possible to find out what was going on.

As she cautiously walked another few yards, she spotted the dog sitting on the ground, whining and looking at something that Olivia couldn't make out from where she was standing. Slowly approaching Frannie, her eyes focused on what the crying dog was paying such close attention to and her heart stopped and her body went icy cold. It was Amanda.

She was all huddled up into a tight ball, wearing yoga pants, runners and a thick jumper, her blonde hair fanned out on the ground almost like a halo. For a brief second Olivia thought that she was dead cause she couldn't make out any movements but as she heard a weak whimper escaping the blonde's lips she sprang into action. "Amanda!" she dropped to her knees beside the still form and gently turned her body towards her, brushing the blonde hair away from her face so she could get a good look at her friend.

She physically looked unhurt. There was no blood visible, no scratches or marks on her face or hands and her clothing seemed to be intact, which was a huge relief to Olivia. She checked her pulse and was grateful to find it faint but stable and she quickly realized that Amanda was now shaking vigorously from the chilly air and the fact that she was only wearing a jumper. Within a second, Olivia had her coat removed and draped it over the shivering woman and quickly grabbed her phone to call for help.

She decided to call Fin, knowing that they would probably get to the hospital in the same amount of time as an ambulance, gave him a quick update and told him roughly where they were. After hanging up she proceeded to carefully get her gloves on to Amanda's stiff and rigid hands, gently sliding them on her hands, not caring if her fingers ended up in the wrong place or not, the most important thing was to get her warmed up.

"Hey, honey, you gave me quite the care. What are you doing out here all alone in the dark? What were you thinking, sweetie?" she pulled the trembling body into her arms, held her as tight as possible, kissed her face and head and rubbing her hands over her back and arms, willing warmth into her chilled and ice cold friend.

Amanda tried to speak. "I... I to... ok Fra... nn... ie for a... wa... walk. Couldn't sle... ep. I'm sor... sor... sorry."

Liv held on for dear life as the petite blonde cried and shivered violently in her embrace, hoping that Fin would get here sooner rather than later. "It's okay, sweetheart. Fin is on his way and then we'll take you to the hospital, honey. Are you hurt anywhere? Are you in pain?"

"No, no hospital... ple... ase! Don... t need a hos... pital."

"Amanda, honey, you need to see a doctor. You're in pain, I can see it." Liv argued, worried for her friend.

No matter how hard she tried to convince the blonde to be checked out she still refused and eventually Olivia reluctantly gave up, knowing that there was no use to try and talk her into something she didn't want to do. "Okay, okay, no hospital but you have to listen to me and do what I say, alright? And if you're not feeling better I'll have to take you, honey. You won't suffering on my watch."

Amanda agreed, anything was better than a hosital and if she had to do exctly what Liv told her, then she would.

"Liv? Liv, you here?!"

Fin was close by but could obviously not make out where they were in the dusky light. Frannie barked and took off in the direction of Fin's voice and Olivia could hear him talking to the dog, asking her where they were, as if the furry four legged animal would verbally give him an answer. "Fin? Over here!"

"What happened?" he asked as he lifted the trembling form into his arms, worried for his partner's health. The violent shivers concerned him deeply and the bluish colour on her lips told him she was close to hypothermia. "She needs a hospital, Liv."

"Believe me, I tried, but she won't listen to me. Could you take us to my place, please?" she walked up next to Fin, holding Amanda's head in her hands to keep it from dangling uncomfortably from side to side as they quickly made their way to Fin's car which was parked illegally within the park itself.

As he drove down the streets of Manhattan, he threw a glance in the rear view mirror and saw Olivia proectively holding onto his partner, cradling Amanda's head into the crook of her neck and pulled the frozen woman as close to herself as possible. He had never seen Liv being so gentle and concerned towards Amanda and it warmed his heart knowing that the only two female detectives on the squad had finally come around and found a well needed friendship.

After dropping off at Amanda's apartment to get some things for the blonde and for Frannie, they eventually pulled into Liv's parking space and by the time they had, with some effort, gotten her into the warmth of Olivia's home, she was shivering mad and clutching at her sides due to the pain. Fin made a cup of tea for the blonde while Liv managed to get two of the painkillers into Amanda, hoping it would take affect real soon before it got worse. If it could get worse.

"What were you thinking, Manda?" Fin gently scolded, upset with his partner, wondering why she would position herself in dangerous situations without thinking about the consequences.

Huddled up underneath three thick blankets, Amanda still trembled but it did seem to have eased up a small bit and she could also feel the heat radiating from Olivia's body being so close to hers. "Not now, Fin." Liv interrupted, giving him a stern look. "I've already gone over that with her and she doesn't need to hear it again. She just wanted to take Frannie for a walk so, please, leave it at that."

"Copy that, sarge." he stated, shoving his hands into his pockets and studied the two women sitting in front of him. He had never seen Amanda looking so defeated, so small and so vulnerable before. It was almost like looking at another person all together, not recognizing the always so tough and stoic detective. He watched as she voluntarily leaned into Olivia's caring touches and how she listened to her soothing words and, to Fin, it looked like they were a couple who were snuggling on the couch. He smiled gently and felt the need to leave the two ladies alone and give them some privacy, not wanting to make neither of them uncomfortable by hanging around, hovering above them like a helicopter.

"Call me if you need me, Liv, and you too Amanda. I'll hold down the fort for a couple of days, maybe get a detective in from Brooklyn to help us out if we get busy so don't worry, sarge."

Olivia offered him a weak smile, relieved to have someone like Fin on her team, someone she could count on and someone she could trust. "Thanks, Fin. I'll let you know later on how we're doing."

With Fin gone, Frannie immediately jumped up on the couch and began to lick Amanda's face while wagging her tail madly, glad that her owner was now in safe hands. "Thanks, Frannie. You saved my life, baby girl." she softly cried into the soft fur and hugged her dog close, appreciating the warmth from the animal. "And thank you, Olivia, for not ignoring her attempts to tell you something was up. I... I can't thank you enough."

Kissing the soft blonde locks, Olivia stroked pale cheek. "You can thank me by going to bed and stay there until you're warm. Come on, honey."

"But I..."

"No arguments."


	15. Chapter 15

The Murky Depths

Chapter 15

The painkillers knocked her out pretty quickly. Soft snores escaped her slightly parted lips, her cheeks had regained their colour and were now flushed from their previous frozen state but her body still shivered from time to time, shaking involontary in her sleep. Frannie had placed herself right next to her slumbering owner, keeping a watchful eye and catching up on some sleep herself.

Liv checked on them now and then, making sure everything was okay. It felt good to have Amanda so close to her, inside her apartment, inside her home and she couldn't stop herself from lingering a bit longer in the doorway to just take in the beautiful sleepy features of her friend, a smile spreading across her lips as Amanda unconsciously threw an arm over Frannie and snuggled closer to her pet. She was almost jealous of the dog for being so affectionate and loving towards the blonde, wishing it was her that was holding her close, keeping her warm and safe but she quickly brushed the thought away, rolling her eyes at herself at the stupid thought of feeling envy towards a dog. As long as Amanda was warm and safe nothing else mattered and if Frannie could offer her that, then she was happy for her friend.

Outide the city had fully woken up and was in full buzzing mode. It was chilly with fresh gusts of wind but the sun did peek through the white fluffy clouds at times, giving the city a glaring yellow glow. The tv was running, just for some background noise, while Liv was making herself busy in the kitchen preparing lunch for both of them whenever Amanda decided to wake up.

An old movie was playing and the brunette was drawn to the screen smiling, thinking back about ten years when she had last seen the movie. It was a comedy and she found herself laughing at the silliness of their jokes and acting and forgot about her worries for Amanda, just for a little while, until she heard the shower being switched on. Heading over to the bathroom that was connected to her own bedroom, she knocked gently on the door while watching Frannie having a roll around her bed sheets.

"Amanda, you okay in there? Do you need any help?" she got worried when she realized that the door was locked and remembered that her razor was lying on the shelf unit in the shower. "Why did you lock the door, Amanda?"

"That's what people do when they take a shower, Liv." she yelled back so her boss could hear her over the spraying water. "I'm sorry I didn't ask if it was okay. I just... I needed a shower."

Frowning, Liv took a step back. "It's perfectly fine, honey, but if you're not out in ten minutes I'm kicking the door in." she had to give her some privacy, some dignity and some sort of independence so she could have some control over her life and what was happening.

"It's your door." Amanda replied, causing Olivia to chuckle.

"True that."

Amanda had already spotted the razor positioned on the shelf, so conveniently within her reach and she couldn't stop staring at it, as if it was calling her name, telling her to pick it up. She ignored it but, as she did her best to focus on other tasks, like washing her hair, the temptation was still there, stronger than before. With a shaky hand she picked up the shiny sharp object, held it in her right hand where she intensely studied it by turning it over a few times, looking at the blade, placing a finger against it and pressed hard. The skin on the tip of her digit broke immediately and a thin red line appeared where the razor had been.

She gasped in relief of the thrill, watching as the small amount of blood slowly dripped down her finger and gathered into a small red pool in the palm of her hand. If she could just cut once, maybe that would take the edge off? Just one swift move with the blade over her porcelain pale thigh and the strong pull would be over. The hunger would be quenched and the monsters fed. Something held her back. At first she didn't know exactly what it was but, digging down real deep, she came to realize that it wouldn't be fair on Olivia.

Her boss had helped her a lot during the past few days and the thought of causing her more worry or stess wasn't worth it. The disappointment that would surely follow would be too much. Too much guilt, too much hurt and too much regret. So, she stood completely still, under the steaming water, looking between the razor and the bleeding tip, contemplating, torn between good and evil, one angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. As usual, the devil won the battle and as the thin cold blade made contact with her skin, she was lost. Her mind went somewhere else for a while, a place of pure relief where the pain was welcomed and cherished, a thrill of pleasurable agony.

Then, after slicing her skin open and watching the blood pour, she immediately pulled back the razor and put it back where she had found it. It was wrong, she knew it was wrong to inflict such pain, deliberately onto herself, but she felt as if she was too weak to stop it, too weak to find the strength or the will to stop and think about what she was doing and how it could affect, not just her, but also other people around her.

The pain kicked in as she came out of her trance and the hot steaming water penetrated the deep cut and seeped into the exposed flesh. Gasping, she came back to reality and turned the water off. Panic was the next state, thoughts passing quickly through her mind, thinking how she was going to cover this up. Liv was like a hawk and a pit bull. When she had a firm hold of something, she wouldn't let go and that scared Amanda the most.

Using a lot of toilet tissue, she put pressure on the open cut, praying that it would soon stop bleeding so she could get dressed and pretend it never happened. Instead, her heart picked up speed as she heard a knock on the door. "Amanda, are you done in there? I just want to know if you're okay."

Pressing harder onto her thigh, she winched in pain. "Um, yeah... I'm okay. Just, um... just give me a sec."

Olivia could hear the quiver in Amanda's voice and a strong feeling of weariness and doubt crept upon her like a heavy blanket. "You don't sound so good, honey. You sure you're okay?" she pressed her ear up against the door, listening intensely and heard Amanda muttering to herself. "Amanda, could you open the door, please." there was no answer and tried again with a more demanding tone. "I need you to come out now, Amanda. If you're not out within ten seconds I'll break this door down myself and you..."

There was a turning of the lock and the door finally opened.

Amanda had given up trying to stop the bleeding before her boss would find out. There was no use. Instead, she sat down on the closed toilet seat, wrapped in an Egyptian cotton towel, still adding pressure to the wound with her head hanging down in shame, too embarrassed to look at the brunette who just stepped through the door.

"Oh, sweetheart." she whispered, approached the seated woman, grabbed a small towel from the linen closet and gently removed the blood soaked tissue. For ten minutes they sat in silence, waiting for the cut to stop oozing before Liv gently cleaned and bandaged it up to the best of her ability. After aiding the blonde she led her back into the bedroom, softly pushed her down on the bed and sat down next to her, throwing the covers over her half naked body and pulled her into her arms.

"You okay, sweetie?" she gently spoke into a nearby ear, rubbing her hands up and down her back in a reassuring manner. It was a stupid question and she knew it. Did Amanda look okay? Was the bandaged thigh, the lost look on her face and her teary eyes filled with pain, telling her that she was okay? No! It told her the complete opposite, that the blonde wasn't okay and that she was hurting from the inside out and that the cutting was an act of desperation and a cry for help. It was going to be hard to get Amanda to talk and open up but she wasn't going to give up on her friend, no matter how hard the blonde tried to push her away.

To her surprise Amanda didn't pull away or tried to verbally convince Olivia that she was fine and that what she had done wasn't such a big deal. Still hanging her head in shame, the blonde woman leaned in closer to the warm body next to her, shaking her head slightly and began to cry softly into Olivia's shoulder. She wasn't okay. "I'm sorry." she mumbled, her mouth pressed against her sergeant's shirt, muffling the sound.

"What's that, sweets?" bending her head down so she could hear properly, she brushed wet blonde tresses behind a delicate ear, getting a better view of her face.

Soft sniffles escaped Amanda's lips and the previous soft cries turned into heartbreaking sobs. "I'm sorry." she repeated, trying to keep her voice steady. "I'm so sorry. Please... please don't be... m... mad, don't be mad." she tried to curl herself into a small ball by drawing her knees up to her chest but the pain was too severe and she almost screamed out.

"No, no, honey. Don't do that, it's not comfortable for you." Liv gently pushed her knees back down. "You don't have to be sorry, you don't have to worry about me being mad and you don't have to hide from me, sweetheart. Why do you think I'm mad at you and why do you feel like you have to hide from me? I'm here to help you and I'm not mad, I promise you that."

"I... I know I... I disappointed you, I'm sorry. I'm so stupid, I'm so fucking stupid." she cried, clenched her fists and began to pound them against her forehead and temples. "What's... wrong with me? What the hell is... wrong with me? Why am I so fucked up?!"

"Hey, baby, stop that. You're hurting yourself." Liv got down to her knees on the floor infront of the distraught woman, placed her hands on each side of her face to make her establish eye contact, her thumbs gently stroking Amanda's temples. "You are not stupid, honey. There's nothing wrong with you, nothing at all, do you hear me? And I'm not mad at you for doing what you did, how could I?" she gazed lovingly into the teary blue eyes full of pain and sorrow, her heart swelled with compassion and empathy for her friend.

"I'm not disappointed in you, sweetheart. What you're dealing with is an addiction and, like any other addiction, it's going to take time and a lot of hard work to overpower it and take control of it." she leaned in, kissed her wet cheeks, removed her hands from Amanda's breathtakingly beautiful face and instead took a firm hold of her icy hands. "I'm here, honey. I'm here for whatever you need. I want to help you figure out what you're going through but you have to let me in, you have to trust me. I need you to talk to me, I need to understand what kind of trauma you went through, or going through, before I can offer some kind of help. I'm not a proffesional but I've been told that I'm a really good listener and that I give pretty good advice at times." she smiled gently and her heart almost skipped a beat when she saw the corner of Amanda's rosy lips twitch. "You're beautiful when you smile, you know that? So so beautiful and I wish I could see it more often."

Kissing the tip of her nose, she then brought her hands up to place a kiss on the back of each one while brushing a lone tear away from her cheekbone. "You deserve to be happy, Amanda. You deserve so many good things and you need to realize, you need to understand, that whatever happened in your past with your parents, wasn't your fault. It had nothing to do with you."

Amanda shook her head. "You're wrong, I... I wasn't the daughter they..."

Liv quickly interrupted. "Don't you dare say that. You were only a child and you were not at fault, they were." once again she sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled Amanda close. "Tell me about your childhood, Amanda. Tell me who you were as a teenager and how you became this beautiful, talented, smart and funny detective? I want to know what shaped you into the amazing human being you are today."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "God, you sound awfully cheesy, Liv."

Chuckling, the brunette helped the both to get into a more comfortable position by leaning their backs against the headboard, making sure the covers were tightly wrapped around Amanda's naked frame. "Maybe so, but it's true. I want to get to know you better. You already know about my mother being an alcoholic and that my... my father was a rapist and I'm the product of that rape. I hardly know anything about you, except the obvious, that you're great at your job, you're dedicated, you're smart and funny, incredibly beautiful and have a heart of gold. I want to know what happened in your past, honey. Tell me so I can help, please. It hurts to see you in so much pain."

Amanda didn't want to go back to that time, to that place or to that horrible misery of a childhood. She shivered just at the thought of it. She also knew that Liv ment what she had said, about wanting to help, and that she should talk about it, to tell Olivia about her crappy childhood, her teenage years and the majority of her adult life up until now. She knew talking about traumatic events was the only way to find peace and closure. They encouraged victims every day at work how important it is to face your fears, your past or even yourself in order to heal and move on with your life. It was hell of a lot different when the victim suddenly became yourself.

Turning her head, she looked out the window just as the sun peeked through the clouds and washed here face with it's bright yellow rays. It felt good. It felt good to have the sun warming her drawn features and she closed her eyes for a second, enjoying the warmth and stillness before she had to open them again.

"I can't remember a time when my parents actually gave a shit." she began, chuckling nervously and started to play with the corner of the cover, twisting it around her finger, un-twisting it and twisting it again in a repetitive motion. "They never really paid attention to me, never acknowledged me, never cared about me. I was a bit of a dare devil as a child, always got hurt, broken bones, scratches, bruises, you name it. Looking back, I realize now that I was just trying to get their attention, to make them notice me but... they never did. They just handed out punishment after punishment for wasting their time and money to take me to the doctor or the hospital. Eventually they stopped taking me even though I needed to go."

She placed a hand over her right shoulder, thinking back on a time when she had gotten hurt and didn't receive medical attention. "Once I dislocated my shoulder really bad. I was twelve and I was crying in pain but they ignored me, telling me I was overreacting. Later that day I threw myself at a brick wall, shoulder first, and I could hear it snap back into place. I'll never forget the pain. Another time I sprained my ankel. It was black and blue and swollen to twice it size. I remember my dad eating my head off for being so careless and thoughtless and he made me walk on it all day, to teach me a lesson."

Taking a deep and shaky breath she could feel Olivia's hand on her lower arm, grounding her, telling her that she was safe and cared for. "I didn't have many close friends in school when I was a teenager. I mostly kept to myself but there was one girl I use to hang out with but she was trouble and I tried to stay away from it."

She made a brief pause, absorbing all the sunshine she could get, the comfort of Olivia's warmth, the intoxicating smell of her boss's perfume and the calm and peaceful presence of the stunning brunette. "I... I was thirteen when I realized that I was... that I was... gay. It took a couple of years for me to build up the courage to tell my one and only friend and she laughed at me, telling me I was disgusting, that I probably had had feelings for her all along and accusing me of touching her inappropriately to the teachers, who eventually told my parents."

A couple of tears escaped from her baby blues and travelled down her cheeks, down to her chin where they slowly dripped down onto the covers bellow. "My parents and my little sister found out that I liked girls and they kicked me out, telling me that they didn't raise me to be 'that way'."

Liv ran her fingers through blonde damp tangled hair and sighed heavily as an immense sadness and pain settled deep within her chest, thinking about the horrid things Amanda had to go through at such a young age. "Where did you go? How did you survive, honey?"

Amanda cleared her throat of any lingering sobs that were ready to burst out any second. She was sick of crying, so sick of it and she had cried enough for a whole lifetime the past few days. She took a breath, feeling exhausted to the bone even though she had slept the past few hours. "I stayed at a shelter for runaway teens until I was eighteen. I got into the academy, graduated, worked as a patrol officer for a few years until I made it to SVU in Atlanta. Things happened there... with my boss and I got transferred to New York and here I am." she smiled and shrugged, trying to make the situation more light and non threatening but the unsettling murky depths could clearly be seen in her crystal blue eyes as she spoke and Olivia couldn't feel anything else but admiration and awe for what Amanda had endorsed.


	16. Chapter 16

The Murky Depths

Chapter 16

They had made it into the kitchen for some much needed lunch. Amanda was hungry but found herself unable to eat after telling Liv about her troubled past, the sick nauseated feeling in her stomach was all too strong and taking just the smallest bite of her salad was almost impossible. Olivia didn't want to push, knowing that there was no point in doing so. She also knew what it felt like to push something down your throat when all you wanted to do was to throw it all back up again but she did worry and Amanda needed to eat something to get her strength back.

"Do you want me to make you a smoothie? Sometimes cold things are easier to swallow than a hot ones. I don't mind, I can make you whatever you want, sweetie, I just..." she sighed sadly and softly placed her cutlery down on her plate. "I worry, that's all. You need something in your stomach, honey." Liv cocked her head to the side, the way that only Olivia could, and pursed her lips slightly, studying the pale and tired looking detective in front of her.

Amanda hung her head but peered at the brunette from underneath her fringe, feeling her eyes well up once again and her bottom lip started to quiver, even though she tried her hardest to take control of the situation and not fall apart completely. The lack of sleep and nutrition had taken it's toll on her body and she had no strength left to fight it. She felt so weak and vulnerable, useless, powerless and completely inadequate. She couldn't even manage to eat or to shower without fucking things up.

She was angry. Angry at herself for being such a failure at everything. There were still things she hadn't told Liv yet. Things about her past and her previous boss back in Atlanta, how she had been sexually assaulted by her superior officer on numerous occasions and how he had bragged about it to everyone on the squad, spreading rumors that she was 'easy' and would spread her legs for anybody who asked. She was so angry, boiling on the inside but she was also numb, sick and tired of everything and that numbness neutralized the bubbling anger and she couldn't find the strength to stop the salty tears from seeping through, clouding her vision.

"Amanda?" Liv's gentle voice penetrated her senses and she had to blink repeatedly to bring herself back to the present.

"I'm sorry." she sobbed, covered her face with her hands and and cried. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." she whimpered and began to rock her own body back and forth on the leather clad kitchen chair.

Liv flew out of her seat, rounded the table in less than a second and engulfed Amanda in a strong and secure embrace, rubbing her hands on her back in soothing circles and kissing her head over and over, desperate to help and ease her undoubted pain. "Shh, my sweet sweet girl. What are you apologizing for? You don't have one single reason to say you're sorry." she eased down onto her knees in front of Amanda and gently began to pry her hands away from her face. "Look at me, baby, please."

When Amanda's blue and teary eyes finally made contact with hers, there was a sharp stab into her heart at the immense sadness she saw lurking behind and her own eyes watered just by seeing her friend so miserable. "Oh, sweetheart." she whispered and brought the woman close again, feeling her small frame tremble from the force of her cries. "Come on, let's move to the couch so we'll be more comfortable."

Together they slowly made it to the dark grey three seater where Olivia placed herself on one side and pulled Amanda down on top of her, cradling her in her lap, like a small child. She tucked the blonde head in underneath her chin, grabbed a blanket that was thrown across the arm rest and made sure she was all covered up. "What happened, sweetie? Why are you apologizing?"

Frannie had decided to jump up and make herself the lady of the manor by sprawling out next to the two women, sighing deepy but still kept a watchful eye on her mistress. "You... you made... lunch and I... I... I couldn't even... take one... single... bite. I'm so pathetic and... and weak, I'm... I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Liv caressed the smooth skin of Amanda's cheek, brushing the tears away with the pad of her thumb. "It's okay, sweetheart, I'm just worried about you. You need to eat something so you can get better. I know you hate feeling like this but if you eat something, anything, you will feel better. Baby steps, okay? Why don't I make you a raspberry smoothie to start with and we'll see how it goes from there."

Amanda was getting tired again and the comfort in Liv's arms wasn't helping. She wanted to stay there forever, forget about everything and just sleep for a while. Never in her life had she felt so cared for and it felt amazingly scary to have someone hold and comfort her, a strange feeling that she wanted and needed to get use to. "Okay." she mumbled, fighting the sleep that seemed to constantly overwhelm her. As the brunette began to shift, Amanda curled deeper into the warmth and snuk her arm around Olivia's waist, not ready to let go just yet. "Can we just... stay here... for another few minutes, please?"

She hated the sound of her voice, so pathetic and weak but she didn't regret her request when she felt the strong arms around her tighten and a kiss was placed on the top of her head.

"Of course, we can stay here for as long as you like, honey." she whispered and felt Amanda relax into her embrace.

"I'm sorry I didn't eat lunch." Amanda said after a couple of minutes of silence, her voice so faint that Liv wasn't sure if she had just imagined it.

"It's okay, sweetie. I can see that you're trying and I can't ask any more from you. I'm not going to shove food down your throat and I'm not going to punish you for not eating. I'm just worried about you." another few minutes passed and Amanda fell asleep, mumbling incoherently from time to time, causing Olivia to beam down at the slumbering detective, letting her gaze wander over her gorgeous features and down to her lips. Oh, how she wanted to feel those lips press against her own again but now was certainly not the time.

As Amanda slipped into a deep sleep, Olivia took the chance to gently shift from underneath her, tenderly placing her head upon a cushion and made sure the blanket was tucked all around her. She proceeded to make a smoothie as quietly as she could but the blender was the obvious problem due to it's noisy blades and the blonde woke up after only fifteen minutes of sleeping. "Liv?" she sat up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, looking for her boss and friend.

"I'm here, sweetie. I'm sorry I woke you up but I want you to try some of this." she handed Amanda the dark pink, almost red, thick liquid and her stomach clenched at just the thought of having to put something in her mouth.

However, as she slowly sipped the cold mix, her tastebuds got use to the tangy but fresh taste and the whole glass went down a real treat. Olivia couldn't help but to smile at her victory and the younger woman spotted the grin on the sergeant's lips. "You look like you just achieved the impossible." she snarled with a hint of humour behind her comment.

Chuckling, Liv began to clean up the leftover lunch. "Well, not far from it."

By the time Liv had finished cleaning the small mess in her kitchen, Amanda had gone quiet, her head resting sideways on the backrest, her breathing shallow but quite fast. Asuming that she had fallen back to sleep, Liv wanted to make sure she was comfortable and approached her younger detective only to find her still awake but in a great deal of pain, clutching her arms around her middle, eyes tightly shut. "Oh, honey! Hold on, I'll get you something."

The pain was bearable but it still made it hard for her to take deep breaths and relax into the softness of the couch. All she could do now was to wait until the meds, that Liv had given her, to take full affect and for the immense pain to subside. The older woman stayed close by as Amanda slowly drifted in and out of slumber, fighting the heaviness of her eyelids until she eventually had no choice but to succumb to the inevitable.

Amanda was back in her previous boss's office, her stomach pressed so hard against the wooden desk, fighting and whimpering for help as she felt Patton move roughly inside of her. He grunted, beads of sweat dripping down her naked back, her hands were held in a tight position behind her as he kept thrusting in and out. Suddenly the office door opened, relieved that someone had walked in and saw what was happening, perhaps someone had come to the rescue? Instead the three men from the bank walked in, grinning from ear to ear as they watched her lying there, helpless, crying and in pain. What were they doing here? How did they get here?

When Patton finished he pulled out of her, causing her to whither in pain but still somehow glad that it was over. That's when she felt another man's hands, roughly fondling her breasts, pinching her nipples so hard it made her scream. "Now, I get to finish what I started." he grunted from behind and the laughter from Patton and the other two men rang out. A sound of evil. As he forcefully penetrated her from behind, her blue eyes snapped open and she flew up from the couch, screaming and holding her breasts as if she was in actual physical pain.

"Amanda?" Liv came running from the kitchen and the blonde became aware that she had changed into something more comfortable, realizing that it was now dark outside and that she must've slept for a good few hours. It must've been a dream, she silently told herself. Just a dream, but the pain was still there as if it had just happened. She felt raw, sore and was not sure if it had been real or not.

Olivia spotted Amanda's hands clutching at her own brests and slowly approached the upset and obviously confused woman. "What's going on, honey? Are you hurt?"

"Are th... they go... gone? Are they... gone?" she stuttered, looking around the room, expecting to see the four men lurking in a corner somewhere.

"Who, Amanda? Who are you talking about? It's just you and me here, sweetie, no one else and you're safe." holding her hands up she showed the blonde that she ment no harm as she closed the distance between them. "It's okay." she soothed and placed a hand on a shivering shoulder.

"They .. they were... here. They hurt... me. Please... make them stop, make them go away." she cried, begging Liv to make the men disappear. "Ow, it... it hurts!" she collapsed back down onto the couch, curled herself into a little ball, hands still on her breasts.

"Sweetheart, there's no one else here except for us. You're safe here with me. You're safe." Liv promised, keeping her voice as low and soothing as possible. Sitting down next to Amanda she cupped her face between her hands, thumbs stroking her cheeks gently. "It was just a bad dream, honey, just a really bad dream. There's no one here that wants to hurt you, baby. You're safe." glancing down at Amanda's breasts, she reluctantly let go of her face and placed her own hands on top of Amanda's but the blonde flinched and pulled away. "Hey, hey, it's okay. I'm not going to hurt you, sweetie, but someone else did, am I right?"

Amanda had her eyes shut so tightly she began to see colours and everything around her seemed to sway and spin out of control. It was not until she felt Olivia's warm and soothing hands on her aching breasts, that she opened them fully, looking straight into worried and loving brown. "It's okay." Olivia repeated. "It's just me. My hands, my touch, not theirs. You are okay."

"They... they hurt me, Liv. They... hurt me." she cried softly, whimpers escaping her tight and clogged up throat, almost making it difficult for Olivia to hear. "They hurt my breasts... they hurt my... my body, I can't... I can't... it hurt so bad. Why did he do this to me?"

Now, Olivia was confused. She knew for a fact that the man in the bank didn't get a chance to hurt her like that and she had a hard time to figure out who and when she was referring to. "What do you mean, sweetie? Who hurt you? The men in the bank?" lowering her hands, she gathered Amanda's cold and slender ones in a firm grip.

Shaking her head, Amanda looked down at her hands that were resting on Olivia's lower arms. "Pa... Patton. He... he hurt me." she whispered, closing her mouth to stop a full blown sob from ripping through but it only made thing worse and she struggled for breath instead.

Liv shut her eyes briefly, now understanding that what had happened in the bank must've triggered old memories to resurface and haunt her, making everything seem like a big messy concoction of events, all mixed together and Amanda was obviously having a hard time, right now, to separate the different scenarios and distinguish reality from dreams. Olivia knew something had happened with Amanda and her previous boss back in Atlanta, that's why she had been transferred in the first place, but what exactly had occurred was something that the blonde never had discussed or even mentioned and Olivia had dismissed it, brushed it aside and never thought about it again. That was a long time ago and the brunette wished that she hadn't been so blatant about it and waved it off like it was nothing. She had seen the hurt in Amanda's blue eyes when she had first mentioned her previous boss and she was now full of regret for not questioning her about it, for not being there for her when she so obviously needed someone in her corner, to fight for her.

"What happened with Patton? What did he do to you, honey? You can tell me." by gently pressing the issue, Olivia hoped that her friend would talk to her, that she would open up and tell her everything she went through down at the 'boy's club' in Georgia.

The young blonde gazed down at their joined hands and took a shuddering breath, then another. "He was... he was flirty and charming at first. He kept it innocent but... after some time he... he became more... more aggressive about it. He would make comments about my appearance or my body, touch me inappropriately if I passed him out. I stuck it out, thinking it would stop but... it didn't."

Olivia gently intertwined their fingers together, rubbing her thumb back and forth across the back of Amanda's smooth skin. "It got worse." she said, her voice distant and dumb, as if she wasn't really there. "I was working late one evening, there was no one else around, he called me in to his office and... and he um, he... he..." her bottom lip trembled. The word just wouldn't pass her throat. It was too hard, too difficult to actually verbalize it and to hear herself say it out loud didn't even seem like an option.

"It's okay, honey, you can say it." Olivia encouraged, her heart breaking for Amanda as she watched the salty drops escape between closed eyelids and travel down her face, creating thin pale lines in their wake. "Tell me, sweetheart."

"He... he..." she struggled, tears flowing, chest heaving, rosy lips quivering and nose running. It was now or never. Just four letters, two syllables and one word. "ra... raped m... me." her body shook from the horrible experience of simply saying the dreaded word. Now, that it was said and out in the open, she continued with a shaky voice full of tears. "Four times he... he rap... ed me! Four different... times. I... I said no, I... I didn't want him to... it... it hurt... so bad. I said no!" she finally broke and let her body relax against Olivia's warm and secure frame, feeling her strong arms encircle her middle and being pulled into her lap.

"Shhh, there you go, sweetie, it's okay, just let go. You've so much pain pent up inside but you can let it go now, my love. Give it all to me, I can take it. You can scream, cry, curse, whatever you need to get you through, okay. I'm right here with you, baby, and I'm not letting go. You're safe now, you're safe."

Amanda screamed and cried until her tears ran dry, exhausted.


	17. Chapter 17

The Murky Depths

Chapter 17

"Liv, how's Amanda doing?"

Fin peeped his head into her office, surprised to see his boss looking so drawn and tired. "Wow, I take that back. How are you doing? You look a bit... tired."

Olivia smiled and chuckled softly, peering at her detective from above the rim of her glasses before taking them off. "It's okay, you can say it, Fin. I look awful."

Shrugging, the man stepped inside and took a seat on the opposite side of Olivia's hardwood desk. "Nah, don't be so hard on yourself, Liv. Are you looking after yourself?"

"Yeah," she sighed and leaned back in her chair, "I am, thanks for asking. It's just... hard. I've never seen Amanda so... fragile before. Of course we all feel vulnerable and low now and then but Rollins always acts so tough and put together that it's almost like I'm looking at a total different person these last few days. Everything that happened in the bank is causing memories of Patton to come to light and it's just hard to see her suffer the way she is."

"So... she told you about Patton? Did she tell you everything that happened?" he cocked his head to the side, waiting for the tired woman in front of him to answer.

"She did." her voice broke slightly and her chest became heavy as she thought of the beautiful blonde back at her apartment and what she had endured. "She didn't go into detail but... I got the main picture of it all." she swallowed at the tears threatening to spill. "It just makes me want to shoot the son of a bitch." she spat, her voice dripping with venom.

"That's usually my line, sarge." Fin winked but was glad to see, at least, a hint of a smile on his sergeant's face. "At least she's talking about it, that's a big step for Amanda. I'm happy that she's got you to confide in. I knew something had happened between Patton and Amanda but I never pushed her to talk about it. I'm glad things are coming to light so she can hopefully find some closure from all this. She deserves it."

He turned gravely serious and Liv could see a tear in his eye but, as soon as she had spotted it, he blinked, cleared his throat and stood up. "Why don't you finish up here and go home, tell Amanda I said hi and that we all miss her. Carisi is killing me with his bad sense of humour and his sensitive stomach is making me want to stop eating all together."

Laughing, Olivia shut her laptop down and grabbed her coat from the back of her chair. "I'll let her know, thanks Fin, you're a good friend."

"And don't you forget it." he smiled and left the room.

Amanda had kept herself busy by scrubbing Olivia's apartment from top to toe. Not that it needed a clean, since Liv was generally a clean person anyway, but because she had to keep her mind off of things and distract herself from any reoccurring memories that could pop into her head at any stage. It was easier said than done. The flashbacks kept coming and going and at one point she had even picked up her phone, ready to call Liv and ask for some kind of reassurance but she changed her mind and, once again, regained control of her swirling thoughts.

Frannie was sitting on the couch, ears perked up and staring at her owner who was currently on her knees, scrubbing the skirting boards. She had never seen her mistress behave in such a peculiar way and she seemed quite amused by the whole scenario. Moving and bending her body so much was obviously not a good thing to do, considering her injuries, but the pain relief took the edge off and, as she fought for the images in her head to go away, she found that the physical pain was a welcomed distraction.

She was just about done with the skirting boards when she spotted a stain on the floor. It was not very big or visible but to Amanda it stuck out from everything else and she began to vigorously scrub the solid oak wood, desperate to get rid of the stain. She didn't hear the front door open due to the loud noise the brush created as it made contact with the floor and it was not until she felt a hand on her shoulder that she flinched and jerked back from the sudden touch, startled.

"Hey, it's just me." Lv announced and held her hands up in a non defensive manner. "What are you doing, honey?" she took a quick glance around the spotless apartment, eyebrows raised in surprise and confusion.

"Cleaning." Amanda muttered and got back to her scrubbing, putting more force into her movements, determined to eliminate any traces of the mark on the floor.

"I can see that and you've done an amazing job, sweetie and I really appreciate it but you're suppose to be resting. All this moving around can't be good for you, come on, take a break." she gently tugged at Amanda's shoulder, trying to get her to stand up but the blonde pulled away and contined her ferocious scrubbing.

"No, I... I need to get this stain out." she spat, sweat beading her forehead and her breaths were short, shallow and laboured.

"That stain has been there sinse I moved in here, honey. It doesn't come off no matter how hard you scrub, trust me, I've tried it. Now, come on, let's get you to the couch where you can sit down and relax." again she pulled gently at the blonde's slender shoulder and let out a sigh of relief as the younger woman followed her lead. They sat down on the perfectly fluffed pillows of the sofa, Olivia's hand now resting on her lower arm and she could feel the muscles tremble underneath her palm.

"You're in pain." she stated after a while after studying the blonde's features.

"I'm fine." Amanda replied all too fast to sound convincing.

The older detective cupped a flushed face between her hands, guiding her head towards her so she could look her in the eye. "You're not fine, honey. You're sweating, you're shaking from the physical strain and your eyes are telling me a whole different story than 'Im fine'. When was the last time you took your medication, sweetie?"

Amanda's blue eyes were clouded with pain and a pang of guilt settled within her chest as she sa the concerned look on her boss's face. "I... I ment to but I... I got busy and... I... I guess I forgot." she bent her head in shame. "I'm sorry." she whispered, tears falling down her face. "I'm sorry."

Liv closed her eyes, sighed sadly and brought the upset woman into a warm embrace. "Oh, honey! The only person you should apologize to right now is yourself. Why putting yourself through this agony when there's medication that will help you managed it? Huh, why honey?"

"I... I just don't like the way they make me feel." she sniffled, wiping her face with the back of her hand and, to Olivia, the movement made her look like a little girl who had lost her favorite toy. "They make me sleepy and I don't want to sleep." she admitted between soft sobs and cries that tore at Olivia's heart.

"Why don't you want to sleep, sweetheart?" she had an inkling that Amanda was afraid of the nightmares that she would undoubtedly endure but she wanted to hear it from the young woman herself.

Amanda looked away, shame creeping up her cheeks as a tremor ran down her spine. "Talk to me, Amanda. Tell me why you don't want to sleep. Are you afraid of having bad dreams?" maybe it would be easier for the blonde to admit it with a simple nod instead of saying it out loud. When she received her already predicted answer she, got up, placed a kiss on the top of her head and made her way into the kitchen to get the small bottle of pills that was positioned on the counter and within a few seconds a glass of cool water was gently pressed into her hand. "I'm not watching you suffer like this, sweetheart. Please, if not for you, then take them for me."

Reluctantly, Amanda tossed the pills back her throat and drank most of the water before she tensed up and her whole body turned rigid and her eyes fluttered across the room, as if she expected someone to suddenly jump out and scare her. Olivia scooted closer, roped an arm around her shoulders and spoke reassuringly. "You're safe, sweetie. I'm here, I've got you."

Amanda crumbled at those loving words and she turned her body towards Olivia, leaned into the warm embrace and sobbed almost hysterically, hissing and gasping in pain as she did so. She clung shamelessly to her boss, hiding her face in the crook of the older woman's neck and felt strong arms pull her as close as possible without hurting her any further. "Shhh, it's alright, my love. You're gonna be okay."

She began rubbing the quivering back in large soothing circles and felt Amanda's heart pound profusely under her touch. "Oh, my sweet girl!" she hushed, close to tears herself. "I've got you, my baby, it's alright. Hush now, try to calm your breathing down for me, sweetheart. You're making the pain worse by hyperventilating, come on, in and out slowly."

Amanda needed air but it was too painful to take a deep breath and therefore the short and shallow gasps were the only option for her to get some oxygen into her lungs but, since she was picking up the speed, it all became too much too fast. "Amanda, you need to listen to me, listen to my voice, sweetheart. No one is going to hurt you, there's only me and you in here and you are safe, do you hear me? You're safe, honey but I really need you to slow your breathing down. I know it's hard and painful but you can do it. Come on, one big breath and you'll feel better, I promise."

Even though Amanda was close to passing out she still managed to somehow hold on to Olivia's words that guided her through the murky depths of her mind and eventually, doing her best to push the pain aside, she inhaled deeply through her nose, let the air fill her lungs before blowing it out between trembling lips. "That's it, honey, that's it. You're doing great, come one, one more."

The blonde repeated her previous action and felt her head and vision slowly clear up, her heart steadily reducing it's speed back to normal and the pain in her ribs and abdomen lessened. She was so ashamed for losing control yet again and she suddenly felt as if this was never going to end, that she was stuck in this dark hole with no way out and that this was now her life. Panic set in once again but Liv was quick to sooth as she felt the body in her arms tense up.

"No, no, honey! Come back to me, come on." she pulled back slightly so she could look at the blonde's face to see what was going on, caressing damp cheeks with gentle fingertips. "It's okay, I've got you, honey. Whatever you're feeling right now is okay and it will pass, believe me, it will pass."

"I'm sorry, Liv. I... I don't know what's wrong with me." Amanda cried softly. "I feel like I'm losing control of everything."

Olivia offered her a reassuring smile while she continued to brush away the tears as they fell. "You don't have to apologize, sweetheart, and there's nothing wrong with you. It's just your body and mind trying to process everything that has happened and it's completely normal. You're in control Amanda, no matter what you think or feel, you're in control." she hushed in a gentle voice, running her fingers through Amanda's fair curls. "You're in control."

"I'm... in... control." the petite woman repeated with a whisper, her breathing almost fully back to normal.

"That's right, honey. You're in control." there was a moment of silence between the two. Only the sound of their breathing and Amanda's soft sniffles could be heard inside the cozy apartment and their eyes locked for a second but for Olivia it seemed like an eternity. The intense need to protect and love this woman was overwhelming and her chest tightened as she looked into the pale blue orbs, taking in every speck of emotion that were held within those eyes. She was in love with Amanda.

As the blonde, momentary forgot about everything that was going on, stared deeply into the eyes of her boss, she couldn't help a sudden wave of warmth and safety to come crashing over her. Olivia was everything she had ever dreamed of. The caring, compassionate and loving woman she had read about in newspapers and seen on the tv back in Atlanta was sitting in front of her, holding her, comforting her and speaking so gently to her that she thought her heart would burst. Now, Amanda understood why the victims felt so safe and trusting towards the brunette and how she was able to make them tell her their deepest secrets and humiliating experiences. Olivia was made for this job, made for all those victims, made for... made for her.

Soft lips claimed Olivia's, teasing, exploring and tasting. She was in control, she set the pace of the tender kiss and when she felt her boss's lips open slightly to reciprocate the lip lock, Amanda could feel butterflies filling up her stomach and her eyes once again welled up but, this time, from relief and an immense feeling of trust and security. Could it even be love?

When Olivia felt a warm wetness hit her fingertips she pulled away, worried that she had gone too far or that Amanda had changed her mind. Cupping the moist cheeks she gazed lovingly into the younger woman's face. "What's wrong, baby? I'm sorry if I pushed you into anything that..."

"No, no." Amanda shakily responded, smiling weakly. "They're... they're good tears, I promise. I just feel..." she stopped, not finding the word she was looking for to describe her emotional state.

"You just feel what, honey?" the older woman tilted her head to the side so she could get a better look of the blonde's facial expression.

Amanda blinked a few times, trying to keep the flooding tears at bay and from rolling down her pale skin. "Excited, uncertain, scared, happy, sad, insecure... everything." again she felt exposed for revealing her feelings, putting them out there in the open for Olivia to hear. She didn't want to scare the older woman away by admitting to all her insecurities and fears, even though she was certain that Olivia wasn't easily scared or affected by such things, the fear of rejection was always there, lurking beneath the surface.

As expected Olivia didn't pull away or acted differently. Instead she pulled the slightly distraught blonde into her arms, guided her head onto her shoulder and stroked the fair tresses. "All those feelings are completely understandable, sweetheart, and I don't blame you for having them. I would be more worried if you didn't have those feelings. Just remember that I'm here to help you figure them out, sweetie. We're in this together and things will be okay."

"What if they don't turn out okay? What if I'll never be okay?" Amanda whispered, her voice breaking as she revealed yet another fear that haunted her senses.

"Honey," Liv gently turned Amanda in her embrace so she could look at her but still holding her securely and lovingly. "things will get better, I promise you that. As long as we're both open to each other, respect and trust one another then things will be okay." Olivia was interrupted by a gentle nudge on her calf and a paw scratching her right foot. "Frannie, come up here and give your mama a big kiss."

Jumping up onto the sofa, the dog eagerly licked her owner's face and then proceeded to give the same attention to Olivia and the brunette scrunched her face up while the long and wet tongue swiped over her chin and cheek. "Mmm, thanks miss Frannie May, you'd make a great cleanser."

She could hear Amanda chuckled at the words, reached out and scratched her beloved dog behind her ear while snuggling closer to the warm body next to her.

Liv kissed the top of Amanda's head and then Frannie's, thinking how blessed and lucky she was to be sitting here. "My two favourite ladies, one on each side of me, all cuddled close. What more could a girl want?"


	18. Chapter 18

The Murky Depths

Chapter 18

 _Thank you everyone for some great reviews and feedback. This will be the last chapter but I will continue with a sequel where we get to follow Amanda's road to recovery and her ups and downs, how her relationship with Olivia develops and how Patton once again creates havoc in her life. Until then, I will probably write a couple of one or two shots just to mix things up a bit._

 _Thanks again for reading and reviewing. It means a lot!_

Amanda was physically doing better. The soft tissue damage around her ribs were almost completely healed, just the odd stabbing pain if she bent or twisted her body the wrong way. The abdominal strain, however, was still bothering her quite a bit and Olivia kept reminding her to take it easy and not lift too heavy or be on her feet for too long, but the stubborn blonde didn't listen, insisting to take Frannie for walks, cleaning the apartment from top to toe, even though it was constantly spotless. She wanted to go back to work, needed to go back but she wasn't cleared for active duty yet. She had even asked Olivia if she could be placed on desk duty until she was fit enough to go back into the field and, to her surprise, the brunette had said she'll think about it.

That was over a week ago and Amanda was growing more restless and agitated from being cooped up for so long and not being able to do whatever she wanted, when she wanted it. Frannie was growing quite restless too but when Olivia came through the front door after finishing work, her tail would be wagging mad, jumping up and down, wanting the brunette to take her for a walk. Seeing her dog turn so exited every time her boss entered the apartment made Amanda slightly jealous and wished she was the one taking her out with her favourite toy to play fetch in the park nearby but she knew that it was for her own good and the only way for her to heal faster.

She missed her own apartment, her privacy and her solitude but being so close to Olivia made everything worth it. She had surprised herself by silently admitting that she kind of liked it. Never had anyone been so thoughtful or considerate towards her and it was a frightening feeling but she also felt strangely content and maybe even happy about the current living arrangements and, even though she missed having her own space and lying in her own bed, she was reluctant to return to her apartment and to her old ways.

Night time rolled in and they both decided to turn in, lying next to each other in Olivia's king size bed, they fell asleep only a few inches away from one another, feeling the warmth from their bodies lulling them into a deep slumber.

 _"Take it, you cunt! I know you want to. Come on, darling, just fucking take it but if you bite me, you're dead."_

 _Roughly he grabbed her hair, shoved her mouth towards his groin area and grunted in satisfaction as he felt her lips close around his already hard shaft. "Oh, that's it, darling! Be a good girl and keep it up."_

 _He tasted like poison. The way he violently shoved his penis inside her mouth, as far in as he could go, made her gag and her body convulsed in disgust. She couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't think. Her body and mind seemed to have momentarily shut down and all she could do was to go with it and wait until it was all over._

 _It didn't take long before she could feel him stiffen in her mouth, his deep and raspy grunts came to a sudden stop before he released his load into her and let out a shuddering breath. Amanda felt the warm thick substance coat her tongue and drip down her throat. All she wanted to do was to pull away, throw it all back up and wash her mouth with bleach over and over until she could no longer feel and taste him inside of her._

 _When he finally pulled away, he slapped her across the face, laughing as he looked at her tear stained face and watched as she vomited all over her front and onto the floor. "Clean yourself up you dirty whore." closing her eyes in shame and misery she felt two hands cup her face. God, she only wanted this to be over, she couldn't handle another round of torture and pain. However the hands around her face were not rough, or dry, or chapped as Patton's. These hands were soft, smooth and warm, gentle thumbs stroking her wet cheeks, a soft voice calling out to her, pleading with her to wake up._

 _Wake up? Was she sleeping? Where was Patton? Oh god, she could still taste him and feel the sticky slimy substance inside her mouth and she couldn't help but to regurgitate once more, desperate to get rid of any traces of the monster._

"Oh, Amanda! Shhh, it's okay, baby. Come back to me, open your eyes, sweetheart, everything is okay."

Gasping and spitting, Amanda flinched against Olivia's touch, thinking it was Patton at first but as she slowly came to her senses she realized that it was only a bad dream and that she was safe, next to Olivia, in her apartment. She tried to take a deep breath but her body convulsed and another round of bile dripped from her mouth and onto her shirt. That's when she realized that she had actually thrown up all over herself and the pillow in her sleep. "Is he... is he... gone? Where...?" she tossed her head to both sides, trying to locate Patton but Olivia gently pulled her back, still holding her face with a concerned look.

"Honey, it's okay, it was only a bad dream, that's all. You're safe now but I've got to get you cleaned up, my love, think you can get up and take a shower? I'll help you if you want?"

Amanda was so ashamed. The nightmares were one thing but the vomiting was a whole new level of embarrassment and she didn't even know where to look, too upset and ashamed to meet Olivia's eyes. She struggled to sit up and felt the warm thick liquid slowly drip down her front as she propped herself up on her elbows. "Easy, baby! It's okay, you don't have to be ashamed or embarrassed. It was just a reaction from the dream, sweetie. Come on, I'll help you up." Groggily, Amanda got to her feet thanks to Liv's strong hold and they made it into the bathroom where the brunette gently pushed the distraught woman down onto the toilet seat and began to peel off the pajama top, the vomit soaked shirt sticking to her like a second skin.

Modesty was something Amanda was determined about and would always try her very best to maintain but now, in her semi coherent state, she didn't even try to pull away or put up a fight, telling her she could do it herself. This time she was too tired and too out of it to even care as Olivia pulled her shirt off, exposing her breasts, her nipples turning hard from the sudden chill.

Liv left Amanda in her panties, guided her into the shower and made sure the water was just right before letting the spray from the showerhead soak her completely. "Will you be okay here for a few minutes? I just want to put some clean bedsheets on. Call me if you need me." she gently kissed her temple before exiting the room, leaving the door open just in case.

As quick as she could she ripped the sheets off the bed and tossed them into the washing machine with Amanda's soiled pajamas, a sadness came crashing over her as the image of Amanda struggling for breath, tears flowing ferociously down her terrified face and how the gagging reflexes made her whole body involontary jerk and spasm, popped into her head and she couldn't even begin to imagine how scary and real the dream must've been.

She dressed the bed with a fresh set of sheets, poured Amanda a large glass of water, placed it on the nightstand snd headed back into the bathroom where the shower was still running. The blonde stood in the exact same position as Liv had left her in and, to the brunette, it didn't look like she had moved at all, not even an inch. "Amanda? Sweetie, you finished? Do you need any help?" there was no answer coming from the blonde and she took a few tentative steps closer to get a look at the other woman's facial expression.

"Sweetheart, you okay?" when there was still no answer, Olivia opened the cubicle door fully so she could see Amanda's whole figure and her heart shattered at the sight. The petite woman was shaking all over and Olivia couldn't tell if she was cold or just completely emotionally drained from the intense nightmare. Whichever it was she needed to get her out of there before she collapsed.

She quickly turned the water off, draped a large towel over Amanda's quivering shoulders and one around her hair, drying off the excess water all while speaking to her in a low and comforting voice. Picking out her warmest set of pajamas, she helped her to get dressed and seated on the edge of the bed, the cool glass of refreshing water trembled in her shaky hands and Olivia had to help her steady her hold as she drank. "That's good, drink as much as you can, sweetie, It's okay."

When Amanda couldn't drink anymore she pushed the glass away from her lips just as a sob ripped through her throat, her eyes welling up again without her being able to stop it. "He... he put... he put it inside my... my mouth and he... he... he made me... he made me do it." she looked at her boss with pleading eyes. "He made me do it, Olivia. I didn't want to but he... he... he made me... he forced me." she cried, letting her body collapse against the brunette's strong and solid form, feeling those secure arms pull her close, hushing her and soothing her to the best of her ability.

"I know you didn't want to, my sweet girl, I know. It's gonna be okay, everything is gonna be just fine, I promise, Amanda. I promise." she rocked them both from side to side as the tears ran down in a steady flow, creating damp patches on Olivia's shirt. "Shhh, shh! I'm here, I've got you, sweetheart, I've got you. Just hold on and give it all to me, I can take it. You're safe now, I'll keep you safe." she quietly hushed into a nearby ear, hoping that Amanda would believe her words.

"He... after he was... done, he... he... he slapped me hard across the face and... and told me to... to clean myself up. It hurt, Liv. It really hurt." again, she hid her face in the crook of Olivia's slender and tanned neck and cried tears of despair, her breathing turning erratic.

Olivia was determined to prevent a panic attack and placed one hand on her neck and the other on her clammy forehead, supporting her through the ragged storm. "Shh, easy sweetheart, in and out slowly. You've got this, you're in control." eventually the blonde did calm and hung her head i shame, afraid to meet Olivia's eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Liv. I'm so so sorry for being like this. You must be so sick of me and..."

"No, baby!" the brunette turned Amanda slightly so she could get a good look of her face, stroking the side of her head, letting her fingers fan through the soft and damp tresses. "I could never get sick of you, sweetheart, and you have nothing to be sorry for. You have to stop apologizing for things that's not your fault. You can scream, lash out and cry all you want but I'm not going anywhere because there's nowhere else I'd rather be. I don't mind waking up in the middle of the night to hold you and comfort you when you're going through a tough time, or any time for that matter, nightmare or not, I'm always here."

Amanda listened to Olivia's words but, no matter how much she wanted to believe her boss, she still felt as though she was a burden and an inconvenience to the brunette and that was something she would have to work on. Her tears ran as her body shook, from trying so hard to hold them back, and with a shaky hand she reached up to wipe them away but Olivia gently grasped it, held it softly, kissed her palm tenderly and brought it to her chest. "No, let them fall. Leave them be, it's okay to cry, sweetheart, it's okay."

She pulled the sobbing blonde into her arms and rocked them both gently to and fro, her own eyes stinging from unshed tears that had gathered from watching her friend break down. She couldn't even begin to imagine what the blonde must be feeling after such a horrific ordeal and then, on top of it all, tortured by nightmares, reliving the attack over and over in an unconscious state, burrowing themselves deeper and deeper into her brain until she could no longer control her actions or mind. Olivia had never heard, or seen, anyone who had actually thrown up due to a nightmare but she hoped it was the first and the last time she would witness it. It had been awful to watch as Amanda gagged in her sleep, spitting and vomiting in her sleep, thinking it was Patton who was there and not Olivia.

As the sobs broke through the silent room, Amanda desperately clung to the security that only Olivia could offer and, after only a few minutes, she found herself in her lap, straddling her thighs, her body pressed so close to Olivia's front that not even air could pass between them. After a minute or so, Liv could feel the hold around her neck tighten slightly and Amanda's heartbeat was again speeding up. A dull ache spread across her chest at the thought of Amanda working herself up again and not being able to get a break from the constant panic, that appeared to be so persistent, that nothing seemed to help.

Liv did the only thing that came naturally to her and pulled up the back of Amanda's top and laid her hands flat on her bare skin, feeling the muscles ripple underneath. "Oh, baby! My sweet beautiful girl." she hushed, slowly letting her hands create a soothing pattern on her naked back, kissing her neck in comfort, willing to do anything to ease some of her friends pain. "You don't seem to be able to catch a break, do you, sweetie? What can I do to make things just a little bit easier for you? Is there anything I can do for you right now? Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask, honey. Never be ashamed to ask for comfort, not with me, I'll willingly give it to you."

Amanda took a shaky breath and calmed herself down just enough to talk. "I... I can't... can't get rid of the... the images of him touching me... hurting me... I can still... feel him... on me, his hands, his... his breath and I... I can't... I can't... I..."

"Hush, sweetheart, you're making things worse by working yourself up." she kissed her neck once more and cooed comforting words into her ear. "He's not here, he'll never come near you again, I promise you that. These are my hands on your back, my arms holding you, my lips kissing your neck and my voice that you can hear, not his. You're safe here, baby, you're safe."

Gradually Amanda began to relax but her arms were still wrapped around Olivia's neck, holding onto the only person she felt safe with, the only person who she could be herself with and not be judged. When she felt Olivia's hands being removed from her back and her top pulled down, she panicked again, not ready to lose the comforting physical contact just yet. "No, please!" she pleaded while shifting impossibly closer to the older woman holding her.

"Okay, sweetie, I won't let you go but we need to lay down and get some more sleep, you must be exhausted." somehow she managed to get them both into a lying position without causing too much upset on the blonde's part and they were now tightly snuggled together underneath the covers, Amanda resting her head in the crook of Olivia's neck, breathing in her soothing and calming scent, feeling the warm hands that were continuously stroking her naked back.

Olivia stayed awake long after Amanda had fallen asleep, letting her eyes wander across the now relaxed features of her friend, taking in her beauty and elegance, her heart fluttering as she absorbed the stunning woman's defined facial structure and the outline of her body. Liv was not going into work in the morning. How could she leave Amanda on her own after such a rough night full night terrors, bad dreams and the intense vomiting that had followed. There would be, without a doubt, a line of protests coming from Amanda in a few hours time but Olivia was not going to budge, no matter how hard the blonde would fight her, she would not change her mind. She was needed here.


End file.
